Noel Edmonds

AGOOD Home Secretary must be able to keep Britain’s house in order: welcoming visitors with open arms while maintaining a close watch on them at all times... and punishing any wrongdoers severely. According to Ronnie, these are all qualities expertly displayed by tidy-bearded ‘Deal or No Deal’ icon NOEL EDMONDS.

“On the Nineties TV juggernaut Noel’s House Party, Edmonds proved that he was an immaculate host: warm, charming and always ready with a big smile for anyone he ushered through the front door of his fictional mansion. Just what we need to show the world that Britain is a welcoming place.”

“However, as the ‘NTV’ section of that same programme showed, Noel was also a dab hand with hidden cameras, and this surveillance expertise would be extremely useful when it came to national security. Under Home Secretary Edmonds, any terrorist activity would be instantly picked up and snuffed out by one of the countless clandestine ‘Gotcha’ cameras The Right Honourable Noel had secreted in homes across the United Kingdom.”

“Of course, the Telly Addicts titan famously subscribes to the philosophy of ‘cosmic ordering’, so his trademark positive thinking would ensure that no atrocity ever took place on British soil. But in the unlikely event radicals did carry out a bomb plot on his watch, the hirsute Home Sec would be more than capable of handling it. Suspected extremists would be strapped into Noel’s iconic glass ‘gunge tank’, where they would be forced to provide information on their subversive schemes or face the indignity of being showered with brightly coloured food thickening agent.”

“And if they still refused to talk, Edmonds would not think twice about bringing in his anonymous masked sidekick, Mr Blobby, to perform more traditional methods of interrogation-based torture – such as kneecapping, electrocution or waterboarding.”

“Noel was famously the host of Swap Shop –butasmy hypothetical Home Secretary, I wouldn’t swap him for the world.”