Roger’s PROFANISAURUS
A Valentine Update from Britain’s Favourite Lexicon of Filth and Profanity
allotment pie 1.n. A rather bland-sounding dish of garden vegetables, slugs and compost, that was slightly more popular than the Blitz.
2. n. A hard-to-digest and pastits-sell-by-date haddock pastie found mouldering in the midst of Arthur Fowler’s allotment. bird scarer 1. n. A visual or audible device designed to deter avian creatures from congregating at airports or agricultural areas. 2. n. A copper’s torch of sufficient magnitude as to alarm a conventionally fannied female, eg. The one belonging to the former MP for Ealing North Stephen Pound. A bride frightener .A lso Scots. Boaby dazzler. bollocks, do one’s 1. v. To spend all one’s money on something. ‘I done my bollocks on the fucking gee-gees on Saturday, your Holiness.’
2. v. To knock oneself out. ‘I done my bollocks loading that fucking piano into the lorry on my own, your Holiness.’ Brexit, I blame exclam. statement issued i n order to blithely deflect blame after the stench of a dropped air biscuit reaches the nostrils of others in the surrounding area. bone-weary adj. Unable to fulfill one’s marital obligations due to a tired hampton. can you put that into an email for me please? exclam. interrog. Something to be said after someone drops a gut in the office, preferably during a very important meeting Cinderella story, a n. Identifying the perpetrator of the foul smell from the next lavatory cubicle by recognising their shoes under the gap.
Acity centre slalom n. The expertly executed, meandering route taken by metropolitan office workers on their lunch, whereby they maintain a constant equidistance between oncoming Terence Stamps and charity chuggers. creaming into the void euph. Descriptive of a lonely act of onanism, or perhaps an unkind comment a fellow might make after plastering a particularity wide hallway. cuntslab n. Wobbly paving stone which, when stepped upon, fires a jet of mucky water up one’s trouser leg. ‘Have you pissed your kecks, Lord Nelson?’ ‘No, Lady Hamilton. Stepped on a fuc king cuntslab, didn’t I?’ cyclist’s nipsy, as hard as a sim. Said of a particularly robust gentleman or ladywoman. ‘Did you see that video of Ross Kemp? He’s as har dasa cyclist’s nipsy, him.’ docker’s knuckle n. A particular gnarly chocolate starfish. ‘“Jesus, you rnanm ust have an arsehole like a docker’s knuckle, Jennings,” said Darbishire, as he rifled feverishly through the envelope of photographs that Venables had hidden behind the cistern.’ (from Jennings Drops His Hymn Book by Anthony Buckeridge). do ya want some? exclam. interrog. rhet. Threatening phrase used by one who is about to flatulate. Dracula’s allotment n. An overgrown radar trap with the painters in. factor fuck all euph. Sunburn protection utilised by topless building site workers during the summer months. fizzygoth n. Woman who, after an evening on the Prosecco, becomes a foul-mouthed, rampaging monster. froot n. The “front boot” of a car, especially one of one them new-fangled electric ones, where they’re showing off because they don’t need an engine, and accordingly 2. n. A young lady’s beetle bonnet. Gemma Collins’s knicker elastic, stronger than sim. A description of something or someone that is really tough or potent. Also stronger than a pig farmer’s aftershave. ‘Would you like another glass of Buckfast, reverend ?’ ‘Not for me, thanks. That stuff ’s stronge r tha n Gemma Collins’s knicker elastic.’ god of thunder 1. n. prop. Tit le of a so ng by cartoon rock band Kiss, on their album Destroyer . 2. n. Someone who drops theirguts alot. ‘Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together and give a big Pebble Mill at One welcome to the g od of thunder himself, Gene Simmons.’ going through one’s expenses euph. Watertight and peevish excuse for spending an entire day working from home as, ostensibly, one struggles to find old taxi receipts and to work out how to claim back 5 euros of hotel tax from three days spent in Utrecht without it exploding the system. In reality, a relaxing day watching internet videos of the Sri Lankan ladies’ netball team followed by some Uzbek balloon porn. ham-fisting n. Gut-smashing, but done inelegantly or inexpertly, if you can imagine such a thing. hole food n. Free-range pork that satisfies the appetites of revellers at a polony party. Cock. Hollywood handshake n.
A wank. kind regards euph. How one would sign off a work email to any member of management, or to a colleague for whom one has no respect. Fuck off. knicker blocker glory 1. phr. Malapropistical expression used on the back of an old postcard of the Golden Hind, asseenonthe Postcards from the Past Twitter feed, viz. ‘We went out shopping today and had a lovely fish & chips dinner also a big Knicker Blocker Glory.’ 2. n. Abig hairy fadge, like the one Germaine Greer used to flash at every opportunity she got. knoblems n. medic. When a fellow’s womb broom gets itsel finadoozyof apickle, eg. Brewer’s bugle, turtleneck entanglements, Dutch souvenirs etc. ku klux nan n. An otherwise outwardly benign grandparent who launches into an extended, extreme rightwing diatribe. lusty glaze 1. n. prop. A small but popular beach on the outskirts of Newquay, it says here. 2. n. Perseverance soup. magnifitits n. A remarkable pair of top bollocks found swinging around inside the T-shirt of a Love Island contestant or a Brazilian weather girl. ‘Christ on drums, vicar. Check out the maginifitits on her!’
Mormon mini-van, the n. An extreme method of pleasing one’s lady. Named in honour of the Latter Day Saints’ fondness for large families. Consisting of “two in the front” (fingers/fanny ) and “five in the back” (fist/arse). muellered report n. Slurred account of the amount and specifics of the evening’s alcoholic ingestions. old cock throbbin’ 1. phr. The initial tingle or stirring that shows that the internetsourced pork pills a chap took twenty minutes ago have started to kick in. 2. n. That smug fannychops off the Viagra advert who has just “broken every code”.
one hand mode 1. n. A setting on a smartphone that makes it easier to use. 2. n. A skill developed by male smartphone users enabling them to access filth monomanually whilst their other hands are busy. on-the-job training 1. n. A crucial aspect of developing competency in a given task. 2. n. Being taught the ropes in the sack by a more experienced partner, so you can surprise your spouse with new tricks and techniques, leading to difficult questions and your belongings being thrown out of the window. ozone hole n. A ringpiece that is a continual source of worry for environmentalists.
panta ray n. A widely spread area of feminine anatomy that exudes a distinct piscatorial aroma. A stamped bat. phyxasorbum n. pharm. A gentle gel for the relief of haemorrhoids, applied by a finger onto the affected area. plumber’s diary n. An item, or indeed person, that is entirely without use. ‘Today’s birthdays: Anna Lindh, Swedish politician, 1957; Christian Wulff, German politician, 1959 ; Alexander Boris de Falafel Johnson, plumber’s diary, 1964.’ pokey blinders n. Nipples like pygmies’ cocks, that could take your fucking eye out if you’re not careful. poutlet village n. prop. Any residential community in Cheshire blessed with beauty salons offering lip injectables. predate 1. v. To exist or happen before another thing, sort of thing. 2. v. To hunt, kill and eat another animal. 3. v. To give your cock and bollocks a good rinse in anticipation of a bit of how’s your father. race against slime euph. When a lady has to run to the smallest room before her beau’s muck drips out of her fanny and onto the carpet/cat/dog. rugby club shower plug hole, arse like a sim. The presence of unsightly, matted hair around a woman’s back body. rusty fish hook n. An erectivitation that is covered in faecal matter. salad cream n. The man mayonnaise of a vegan or vegetarian. second that motion v. To take a shit into an unflushed bog, like what Smokey Robinson sang about. sexaphone n. The horn section ofa bongo movie score, typically accompanying a scene where Robin Askwith’s arse is going up and down ten to the dozen between some fattitted lovely’s legs while a smiling Bob Todd is tripping up the stairs, wearing a bowler hat and carrying a bunch of flowers for his missus. shisotonic adj. Descriptive of some “sports drink” manufactured in Bulgaria that, when consumed in quantity, ensures you can run like fuck, especially to the Rick Witter. shoe poisoning n. medic. The alarming symptons of one suffering the effects of a fucking good kicking. sorry, I was on mute exclam. Either something to say before letting rip with an audible treacle tart, or something to say after you’ve released a silent but deadly. Quite possibly in a board meeting. sounds like Dr Banner is changing again exclam. Phrase to be used when someone blows off so violently that it sounds like clothes being ripped. Named after troubled scientist-turned argumentative mental green muscle man, Dr Bruce Banner, aka the Incredible Hulk, who went through shirts like nobody’s business. spank manager n. A chap’s lady of the night who furnishes him with dominatrix-style how’s your father, culminating in him depositing a large wad. stiffener 1. n. That which is added to something in order to increase its rigidity, such as starch for a collar, for example. 2. n. A person who is apt to stiffen a rod. ‘Today’s birthdays: Arthur Scargill, seventies miners’ union firebrand, 1936; Mary J Blige, US singer, songwriter, actress and philanthropist, 1971; Rachel Riley, stiffener, 1986.’ taking a shit in a sewer, like sim. Descriptive of performing an ultimately futile act. For example, sending a tweet to Southern Rail asking why their service is so terrible, which will get lost in an ocean of identical questions. tassel twanger n. A pithy and inoffensive way to call an onanist a wanker. that’s the shit I’m talking about exclam. One of numerous phrases to say after chuffing. thistle funnel 1. n. A piece of laboratory glassware used by a chemist to add liquid to an existing system or apparatus. 2. n. Name given to the pudendas ofa rather rough member of the fairer s*x. ‘Why are you chatting her up, Dave? She looks like she has a right thistle funnel on her.’ tidemark n. The staining on a gentleman’s pickle after it is withdrawn from the rusty sheriff’s badge. two dollar steak, tougher than a sim. US. Said of something that looks like it could handle itself in a barney, or like it would take a bit of chewing. wasp on an over-ripe plum, going at it like a sim. A measure of the extreme avidity with which a randy young chap performs cumulonimbus on his significant other.