FUCK PANDAS!
Shock WWF statement attacks endangered bear
THE World Wrestling Federation yesterday TRASHTALKED giant pandas, slamming the shy, bamboochomping bears and challenging them to a no-holdsbarred Wrestlemania Smackdown Rumble.
Speaking on Radio 4’s Today programme, WWF spokesman Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake said: “We’re tired of these coward-assed bears with their grandstanding and their hot-dogging and their showboating. It’s time to see what they can do in the Wrestlemania ring with the boss man.”
“I’ll take their dreams and I’ll twist them, and I’ll bend them, and I’ll turn them into a nightmare,” he continued.
placid
And Beefcake was joined in his taunting of pandas by 4-times WWF Wrestlemania Champion Triple H, who had this message for the placid mammals.
“You and me, in front of a primetime WWF audience. Come on. Let’s do it.”
“I’ll break your life. I’ll shatter your dreams. You’re endangered now, but I’m going to make you extinct. Me, Triple H. Remember my name. Remember my face.”
windermere
But Triple H, real name Hunter Hearst Helmsley, went on to express doubt that the WWF challenge would be accepted by pandas, whose numbers are believed to have fallen to less than 2000 in the wild.
He continued: “You won’t do it. You’re chicken.You’ll be hiding behind your momma’s skirts, eating your bamboo with your big soft paws and your big black eyes.”
WWF favourite The Undertaker was also sceptical about the offer for a showdown being taken up. But he warned the black and white animals, that their days were numbered.
“You big raccoons can wander round the forest all you like,” the Undertaker said on Fox TV, whilst his manager Paul Bearer hovered in the background.
“But you can’t run forever, and you can’t hide, and I’m going to find you.”
“And when I find you I’m going to hurt you. And when I’m done hurting you, I’m going to hurt you some more,” he threatened onimously.
titicaca
Spokesman for the Beijing-based Panda Breeding and Research Centre Dr Xiao Teng said he was surprised by Beefcake and his fellow wrestlers’ offer of a fight. He told reporters: “Although pandas were once thought to be related to raccoons, molecular studies now show they are actually true bears. And although they are generally placid, if threatened they can be surprisingly aggressive.”
“And these things can weigh in at over 300 lbs. If The Barber corners a panda in the ring, it will turn on him and then he’ll see what it can do.”
“Those claws are two inches long. Those teeth are three inches long. Believe you me, it’s going to take him down,” he continued.
“It’s going to take his sorry ass down. It’s going to take it all the way
huron palmer
down to funky town,” said Dr Xiao.
“Choo-choo! Those sorry-ass WWF cowards have all got a oneway ticket for a ride on the Pain Express. Ain’t no BS, and I ain’t joshing,” Dr Xiao added, before throwing down the microphone and punching the camera.