Oger’s PROFANISAURUS

A Valentine Update om Britain’s Fav rite L c of Filth an Prof ty

alert all commands, deploy the fleet! 1. exclam. Catch-all order issued by various disposable Imperial officers in The Empire Strikes Back. 2. n. An amusing vocalised overture performed immediately prior to the delivery of a noisy Chewbacca’s call. awkward-on 1. n. Descriptive of socially unacceptable, maladroit tumescence in the trouser department. ‘Good Lord, what is that protruding from your breeches?’ ‘Don’t worry, it’s just my awkward-on. Keep on going with the investiture, your Majesty. 2. ’post n. acu The atory uncomfortable situation w by a fellow is is obliged, for whatever reason (eg. room ate’s unexpected return, Am zon delivery, presenting a daytime television show, etc. uickly pull up his strides , tuck his wood behind his belt, and carry on regardless. bog clogger n. A prodigious feeshus that p the efficient function o chod hopper. ‘Holy Mary , mothe r of God, is it yourse responsible for that bo clogger, Cardinal, orwasitoeofthechoirboys again?’ ‘I’m sorry to be sure, Sister, but these new communion wafers are having a powerful effect on me holy guts, so they are.’ bone dry ad to get his damp. bone weary adj. Incapable of fulfilling one’s marital obligations due to having a tired penis. brush with stardom euph. During sexual relations whilst in a state of drunken disrepair, an arguably unwitting attempt to enter via the back door ,before being hastily redirected towards the missus’s preferred entrance. See also French fancy. camel tongue n. The outline of a man’s Johnson in an overly tight pair of strides. ‘Nice camel tongue, Mr Plant. Big smile for the Cambrian News.’ clange n. A Scottish minge. Also jockflap, .Edinburgh fringe, fud, flingel ‘Och, put awa’ yir clange, Morag. Dinnae ye ken it’s the sabbath.’ clit-hanger n. A lady’s nail-biting fear that her over-eager beau is going to fail to stay the course. ach e chap even mildly cockapoo 1. n. A popular cross between a spaniel and a poodle. 2. n. A messy attempt at bum sex. cockweiler n. A boner that is all bark and no bite; not as hard as you would think. cum cunnus semper cunnum phr. Lat. A learned, pithy response to an aggravating person, who will be impressed by one’s effortless access to an ancient language much employed by scholars and persons of letters. “Once a cunt, always a cunt.”

uyn. orm of stupidity, from the famous, cunt-based family entertainment spoonerism much emplo yed by Ken ny Everett on prime-time BBC 1 back i n the 1980s. c-urchin n. Somewhat off-putting state of a woman’s clam after it has been shaved and then allowed to grow back, so that the newly emergent pubes resemble - somewhat off-puttingly - the spines of the similarly named marine echinoderm. defecacious adj. Having had a particularly satisfying start to one’s day, leaving one lighter of step and with a powerful sense of achievement, confident that no matter what the day ahead migh ng, one wi ace i a boss, Mary Poppins-stylee. devil’s lasagne n. A layer of shit , followed by a layer of shit tickets, followed by another layer of shit, followed by a further layer of bum-wad ,andsoon ad excretum. The type of horrific sight found in a festival portable toilet, when there used to be festivals. See also Andrex sandwich, bangers and mash, Viennetta. do you want fries with that? exclam. interrog. A humourous retort after one’s companion breaks wind. exercise my constitutional right, I’m just going to exclam. Announcement immediately prior to a forceful and pungent Exchange and Mart. fanity n. A lady’s excessive pride in the appearance of her growler. ‘ Had I been in love, I could not have been more wretchedly blind. But fanity, not love, has been my folly.’ (from Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen). fifty-one week Methodists euph. Those mysterious members of the community who you never see in your local boozer, yet suddenly take over the fucking place for the last week of every year. food miles n. The length of the journey that a meal takes through a person’s alimentary canal before once more emerging into daylight. According to experts, Mussels Vindaloo travels remarkably few food miles. geek yoghurt n. Amatory resi

e lef across h s laptop k ys by a spotty youth after he has completed imaginary intercourse with the remote object of his desires. gummy party n. A nosh sesh involvin g two or more toothless crones and a randy bingo wing commander , such as Wa yne R(the remainder of this entry has been removed on legal advice)ooney. hat trick n. A soiled pair of trolleys in the laundry basket, comprehensively befouled with faecal, urinary & seminal excressences. ‘Anything for the wash this morning, Donald?’ ‘Just thes eha t-tricks from the press conference, thanks Melania.’ hornbeam 1. n. Hardwood trees of the flowering plant genus Carpinus. 2. n. A fleshlight. What used to be called a pocket fanny; a torch filled with swarfega. hovercrapt n. The acrobatical art of balancing above a public bog crapper in order to lay a cable without your clean arse cheeks touching the filthy, germ-ridden seat.

I love the smell of methane in the morning exclam. Something to be said, Marlon Brando-style, after dropping the first apocalyptic guff of the day. lipstick on the collar n. Unwelcome red marks on the paper following an over enthusiastic wipe of the freckle with whatever budget arsewad one has been able to find amid the wrecked, Day After-style badlands of the supermarket toiletries aisle. muff tumbler 1. n. A type of selectively bred fancy pigeon with feathered legs. ‘Look at all the muff tumbler shit on

Nelson’s Column, nan.’ 2. n. Someone who often tumbles, face first, into a lady’s muff. ‘Born on this day: Joe Jackson, Michael Jackson’s horrible dad,

1928; Lawrie McMenemy, football manager, 1936; Sir Mick Jag , muff tumbler, 1943.’ nag for life n. rhym slang. missus. ‘Have you m for life, your holiness?’

k ma n. Theticklyjourneyabubb leof carbon dibaxide makes upthe rear of a submerged diver or surfer’s wetsuit, befo reeme rging at the neck, no, Mr Bond, I expect you to die! exclam. Verbalised in a cod Latvian accent after loudly breaking wind. old faithful 1 .n. The name of a geyser in Yellowstone park which erupts every 35 minutes, filling the area with a foul, sulphurous smell. 2. n. The name given to an acrid bathtime Hart to Hart which erupts through the suds with a foul, sulphu rous smell . ‘Shall I get in the bath with you, Charles?’ ‘I wouldn’t, Camilla. I had a Pound Shop curry pot noodle

The nag tea, and o erupt any moment.’ openi ng the po rk scr n. Letting off a p meaty one.

Pandora’s box 1.n.A in Greek mythology when opened, unlea sorts of evils and cu the world. 2. n. The wat ofa lady who maintains dubious personal hygiene regim panty liner n. A large going ve ssel full single ladie s on a Cl style cruise . And w hi ers might expect this entry to include a reference to the presence of “plenty of se men” on board, we’r efrankly t going to lower ourselves to hat level.

ph. Old to artefact which, oceanoung 8-30

tiny and wet (5,4)

21 Covered in shit, chocolatey problem (5)

22 Royal meeting Cleopatra’s killer, wiping bottom on bed (5)

24 Shitty poop for colleague (4)

25

Fuzzy stuff fingered (4)