WINDS OF CHANGE
Oxford Prof studies anals of history
NEANDERTHAL man, one of our ancient ancestors, walked the plains of central Europe until 40,000 years ago. And thanks to the recently developed scientific technique of facial mapping, we now know what our primitive predecessor looked like, with his large nose, receding chin and heavy-set brow. But one Oxford scientist wants to add to our catalogue of knowledge of these early hominids… by working out what their farts sounded like.
Archaeologist Dr Crispin Martinville has been researching the sound of breaking wind for 20 years, and now he thinks he knows exactly what it sounded like when a prehistoric Neanderthal stepped on a duck.
Dr Martinville told New Scientist magazine: “From radio and CDs to iPods, we take the ability to listen to sound at our leisure for granted. But recorded audio is a relatively new phenomenon. All sounds before the invention of recording are lost forever.”
“The clang of a Norman blacksmith hammering his anvil, the incantations of an Aztec priest – all these sounds are extinct, never to be heard by modern ears.”
But there is one sound that Crispin believes is our most tragic loss.
“Despite understanding what is at the centre of the atom and at the farthest reaches of the universe, the far ts of our ancestors remain a complete mystery,” he said.
“Whether it’s a medieval farmer squeaking one out as he bends to pick his beans, or a high-ranking Roman Centurion cutting the cheese before heading into battle, we simply have no idea what they sounded like.”
GUTS
But now, using the latest scientific techniques in physiology, anthropology and archaeology, that is all set to change. And Mar tinville says that he can now reproduce the sound of a Neolithic man dropping his guts – the first time it will have been heard in nearly half a million years.
“The average Neanderthal was only five foot six tall,” he explained. “With a shorter distance for their fart to travel from their colon to their anus, this would make for a short sharp fart when the sphincter expelled their gas.”
“Imagine you stepped into the road and then suddenly jumped back as the short toot of a horn blared. It would probably sound something like that,” he said.
But it’s not just the Neanderthals’ physiology that determines what their
trouser coughs were like. According to Dr Martinville, diet played as much of a part in determining the sound as the physical structure of the colon.
“Neander thals were essentially hunter-gatherers, with raw mammoth steaks constituting a large portion of their diet,” he said. “All that rich meat, supplemented with a few berries here and there, would have given their gut contents a slightly gelatinous texture.”
“Consequently, their farts would have probably stretched out and then popped – like a bubble rising to the surface of a boggy lake.”
SHOPPING
Mar tinville points out that the nature of human far ts has altered over the course of our history, as people’s shapes have changed.
“If you could go back in time, even as recently as Shakespearean times, you wouldn’t even recognise the flatulence you heard as farts by modern day standards,” he said.
“Not only have people’s bottoms expanded through improved diets, such as sweet and sour chicken and pork fried rice, but vitamins from things like Fanta and cans of Lilt have meant that we have grown taller. The distance from stomach to bum-hole has increased, and with it the entire timbre of the human far t.”
Dr Mar tinville was keen to explain why he is so interested in the archaeology of the noises our arses make. “A lot of academics accuse me of only having got into this field because of the women it attracts,” he said. “But I genuinely care about this work and its impor tance.”
“Growing up, I didn’t know what ancient Mesopotamian farts sounded like, or the farts of those who invented the first cotton looms.”
“It is my dream that in years to come, future generations will be able to hear the recreated farts of people from 1066 or Agincourt, and feel like they’re actually there on the battlefield with them,” he added.