Oger’s PROFANISAURUS

A Lockdown Easing Update from Britain’s F Lexicon of Filth and Profanity

and now over to Laura Kuenssberg for the latest from Westminster exclam. Huw Edwards-style announcement prior to the arrival of a very urgent poosflash. See also and the thunderball is, going once going twice, prisoner… show yourself!, and now a word from our sponsors etc. beer-mint wino n. A worker who consumes large amounts of Tic-Tacs or Polos in an effort to to disguise their alcoholic breath when returning from “lunch.” bowling partner n. A person in whom one inserts two fingers and a thumb. bring your backstory to life 1. phr. Slogan used by Ancestry. com to encourage members of the public to discover that their utterly unremarkable ancestors apparently couldn’t spell their own surname the same fucking way twice in a fucking row. 2. phr. To allow one’s romantic partner to do one up the wrong ‘un. butcher emptying out his offal bin, like a sim. Descriptive of a proper rectal clearout when one is in receivership and everything must go . See also bempty, next sale. ceci n’est pas une pipe phr. Fr. A classy, Magritte-inspired way to let a lady know she’s put a rocket in your pocket. ‘Ceci n’est pas une pipe, ma cherie.’ ‘Anyway, as I was saying, about the flower arrangements in the nave, vicar…’ chesticulating n. Jiggling one’s jugs to summon a barman or waiter without the need for hand signals or words. A technique used most successfully by young, full-bosomed ladies and Lord Owen of Plymouth when he’s trying to catch the Lord Chancellor’s eye in the Upper House. chocolate Sunday n. Adayof rest spent sat on the chodbin following a Saturday night of heavy refreshment and an unwise intake of dodgy solids. Chris Witty’s suit, a fanny like sim. Descriptive of a massive minge. A reference to the eponymous government chief medical officer’s generously tailored work threads. Also horse’s collar, melted welly, clown’s pocket, kangaroo pouch, hippo’s mouth. clout round the head with a brass hand, he wants a exclam. Said of one whose conduct arguably leaves something to be desired. cockchafer 1. n. A boiledsweet-sized beetle from the Scarabaeidae family, also known as the maybug. 2. n. An especially snug fadge. cockdown n. Ad esperate situation whereby no sexual activity whatsoever is allowed. That’ll be from about a week after you get married to when they push you into the burner at the crem, then. containment and delay 1. phr. Strategy - if it can be called that - employed by the British government during the 2020 Covid-19 outbreak. 2. n. Rearguard action strategy, employed by a buffalo soldier indulging in a monomanual act of personal delight , involving the summoning up of an horrific, cock-shrinking mental image when he feels his milk shake starting to bubble a bit.

Corona virus n. medic. Condition which leaves sufferers feeling like shit the morning after imbibing a surfeit of Mexican lager that was inexplicably going cheap in the supermarket. dash-cam Van Damm n. An otherwise unremarkable fellow - typically lacking martial arts, special forces, or tactical weapons training - who nevertheless, following minor road traffic incidents, takes it upon himself to become a low budget vigilante. Presumably with the intention of getting his GoPro camera violently shoved up his chuff. dying man’s handshake n. A tragically loose minge. ‘How was it for you, Liam?’ ‘Like a dying man’s handshake, Patsy.’ fliar n. One who is economical with the truth. From fucking + liar. ‘Today’s birthdays: Percy Sledge, American singer, 1941; Stacy Lattislaw; American singer, 1966; Dominic Cummings, fliar, 1971.’ following the science euph. A catch-all explanation offered in an attem pttoavo id further interrogation in the absence of an y reasonable excuse. ‘Why the fuck are you pissing in the kettle at 3am? You said you were only going out for aqu ick one. ’‘So rry, love. I’m just following the science.’ foraging for wood euph. Dancing with the captain whilst in the World of Minecraft.

Genevieve n. prop. An old banger from whom you might expect to get an uncomfortable ride. glue lagoon, the euph. The name given to the sticky, damp patch left on the bed, couch, car seat, woolsack etc., by a partner who is dripping like a gravel wagon at the lights.

Gregg Wallace in a snood, like sim. Descriptive of an extremely engorged clematis. guybuprofen gel n. Warm, sticky balm copiously applied to the breadknife’s lower back or tits in order to relieve stiffness. home secretary 1. n. Her Majesty’s Principal Secretary of

State for the Home Department. 2. n. The breadknife. 3. n. In the specific circumstances whereby your missus is the Rt. Hon. Priti Patel MP, both. jet-washing the algae off the patio euph. Whilst coupling doggy fashion, the act of withdrawing and immediately ejaculating onto one’s romantic partner’s nipsy, to give it a deep and thorough clean. ‘One of th e advantages of Vatic an ro ulette is that last night I totally jet-washed the algae off my girlfriend’s patio.’

John Bonham upgrade n. A change of statu s that is far from being a n improvement. Named after the colourful Led Zeppelin drummer who famously, after pissing it, traded his seat in first class with a roadie inec onomy. logdown n. The sa tisying release of a brown egg from the cocoa chute. metawank n. A self-referential form of masturbation following a protracted period of celibacy, whereby all that one can summon to mind for erotic inspiration is previously enjoyed wanks. Middlesbrough vasectomy n.

medic. A kick in the bollocks. milk money n. Wages set aside to spend in breastaurants and strip clubs. ‘I’m just going out for a walk, Mary.’ ‘Don’t forget your milk money, Jeffrey.’

non-album single euph. A small Douglas Hurd released between full-length long players. nutflix n. Adult interweb content enjoyed by monomanualists. porker’s crisps n. The name given to the crusty remains found inside one’s undercrackers the morning after rodding someone’s drains in a nightclub bog. pressure washer 1. n. German precision engineered device that removes all the shite from your driveway and deposits it on your neighbour’s car. 2. n. The piss chisel. pyramid stage n. In a festival crapper, that final point in the evolution of a blocked chodbin when the bangers and mash are piled up into a great, stinking, conical pile, and some rotter has somehow managed to curl one off, in the most unlikely fashion, right on the summit. Maybe with a little flag in it. Russian suicide n. A death caused by any number of bullet wounds greater than one. Satan’s chuckles n. The series of sulphurous botty burps that often presage the Blue Peter tortoise coming ou tof hibernation . Also turtle’s gurgles, string of pearls. shepherd’s pie n. The result of releasing a few pounds of of brown minced slurry into the pan and then covering it with a pile of fluffy white toiletpapermash. shitificate n. Meaningless award that is literally not worth the fucking paper it is written on, eg. 5m swimming badge, Employee of the Month, Upper Second Class Honours in the School of Literae Humaniore at Oxford etc. sock in a washing machine, like a sim. Descriptive of an unsatisfying act of intercourse. See also throwing a Woodbine up Northumberland Street, waving a sausage in the Albert Hall, dipping a worm in a bucket, punching smoke etc. sparseholes n. Somewhat disparaging term for owners of hot tubs. symphony n. A stirring trip to the thunderbox that consists of three separate and distinct movements. Also symphony number two. teapotting n. The rather unpleasant feeling experienced when a fellow’s dangling clockweights are immersed in the rising water of an overfilled chod bin .

Tex Tucker’s guns euph. From the 1960s children’s television puppet show Four Feather Falls, where the sheriff was able to raise and fire his pistols without touching them. An involuntary stonk on. three wipe problem euph. When a trifecta of salvos from the burly are required in order to clear the chocolate speedway of all clag, winnets, tagnuts and klingons. Named in honour of Victorian detective Sherlock Holmes’s favoured solution when faced with particularly complex mysteries. ‘It is quite a three wipe problem and I beg you won’t speak to me for fifty minutes, Dr Watson.’ tipping point 1. n. Intellectually unchallenging tuppenny waterfalls-based television gameshow presented by Ben Shephard. 2. n. Sudden moment of panic immediately following the turtle’s head, when it instantly becomes a matter of the utmost urgency that you be seated on a crapper, ideally with your trolleys around your ankles and well outofh arm’s way. toffice n. Something currently in great use as so many people are working from home. From toilet + office. ‘Right, just off to the toffice to drop off the kids off at the pool and email that invoice to facilities. Should be about ten minutes, then it’s straight back to Grand Theft Auto for another eight hours.’ top shelf adj. Wankerish. ‘Johnson? What a guy! Absolutely top shelf!’ turd fairies, visit from the euph. Descriptive of a sudden kno ck at the back door caused by the magical appearance of a large, explosive payload in the bomb bay. ‘Sorry I was late, General Custer, only I had a visit from the turd fairies. Did I miss anything?’ wanker’s rancour n. The festering resentment that curdles the milk of human kindness in an habitual self-abuser. watermark 1. n. A subtle identifying image or overlay on a banknote or certificate. 2. n. A piss stain on a mattress (or, for that matter, on John Bonham’s first class plane seat). zoomorrhoids n. medic. Lockdown-fostered Nobby Stiles which start to twinge during the day’s third or fourth online webcam meeting.