Stars’ Camping Fears

CAMPING IS UNDOUBTEDLY GREAT FUN – PITCHING THE TENT, SNUGGLING INSIDE YOUR SLEEPING BAG, AND WAKING UP AT HALF PAST FOUR TO THE SOUND OF BIRDSONG IS ALL PART OF THE EXPERIENCE. BUT SLEEPING IN A TENT ALSO HAS ITS DARK SIDE – THE STRANGE NOISES IN THE DARK, THE SENSE OF VULNERABILITY, THE PRICES AT THE CAMP SHOP. WE ASKED SOME A-LIST CELEBRITY CAMPERS ABOUT THEIR BIGGEST FEARS WHEN SETTLING DOWN UNDER CANVAS, AND WHAT THEY DO TO OVERCOME THEM.

Jeremy Paxman

WHENEVER I go camping, I’m always worried about a sink hole opening up and engulfing my tent. I watched a programme on National Geographic a few years ago and those things open up really fast and go down for miles. So before I go camping, I always do a thorough research of the campsite to see if there is any history of subsidence or geological suffosion in the area. Then, after I’ve pitched my tent, I drive back home and sleep there just to be on the safe side.

JK Rowling

I'M TERRIFIED of being struck by lightning when I go glamping. And because I’ve got so much money, I’ve always got the biggest tent on the campsite, which means that in an electrical storm, I’m the one most likely to be struck. So after

I’ve pitched my enormous tent, I get a scaffolding company to erect a ‘Faraday Cage’ around it to protect it from lightning bolts. The scaffolding has to be made out of platinum, which makes it really expensive. But I’m extremely rich and what price safety?

Idris Elba

I LOVE camping, but I’m terrified that while I’m asleep, a car will suddenly roll into my tent and squash me flat. A lot of these campsites have sloping ground and it’s not unheard of for the handbrake cable on a parked car to ping. So when we go camping, as well as the tent, the cooker and all the other paraphernalia, I also take along a hundred or so house bricks. Then, every night before turning in, I go round the entire campsite and wedge a brick under the front wheel of each car. It’s a lot of hard work, but it means I get a good night’s sleep.

Ian Dunt

I FUCKING love camping, but I’m shit fucking scared of animals coming into my fucking tent in the night. I know there aren’t fucking wolves or bears or anything like that in the UK, but there’s fucking beavers now, and them fucking coypu things, and them bastards have got fucking front teeth like little fucking daggers. So when I go camping, I take a 2000v electric fence and set the fucker up around my tent to keep the fuckers out. It’s powered by a bastard big diesel generator which is noisy as fuck, but it’s okay because I take fucking earplugs.