‘‘I’m No Tit-Man’’ ~Starmer

Labour leader moves to quash rumours

SIR Keir Starmer yesterday denied being a tit man after claims in an unauthorised biography accused the Labour leader of ‘living a lie’ by publicly pretending to prefer women’s arses and thighs while secretly admiring the shape and size of their breasts.

There have long been rumours that the Labour Party leader went through a rebellious phase of being a tit man during his university years.

And an unnamed source in the book, Your Starmer for Ten by former ITV weather man Hutton Cranswick, claims that whilst studying at St Edmund’s Hall, Oxford, Starmer would openly talk about his preference for women’s breasts over their buttocks and the tops of their legs.

LEG

Despite the accusations, the self-proclaimed leg and arse man and former Attorney General braved the media as he arrived at Parliament for Prime Minister’s Questions, but refused to comment on the accusations when challenged by reporters.

“Let’s be clear about this, I’m not a tit man,” he said. “Tits don’t really do anything for me.”

HAND

But Leader of the House, Jacob Rees-Mogg, stood up in the chamber and asked the Labour leader directly to come clean about which bits he preferred.

GUARD

“It is a simple question, and I confess to being rather perplexed as to why The Right Honourable Gentleman can not give a straight answer and quell the rumours concerning his being a tit man,” the lanky streak of piss told MPs.

WATCH

And, to raucous shouts of “Tit man! Tit man!” from the Tory back benches, Rees-Mogg added: “Unless the Labour leader denies the accusations, he is guilty of misleading this house.”

FANNY

But Sir Keir would not be drawn into the argument, and responded calmly and forensically when he rose. “Mr Speaker, the Leader of the House knows well my preferences. They have been logged in the Register of Members’ Interests and are a matter of public record,” he said.

“Furthermore, if he wants to lay an accusation of my being a tit man at my door, I would invite him to do it outside of this chamber where he will not enjoy the protection of Parliamentary privilege.”

Division: Labour leader Starmer (left) denies preferring womens breasts (above left) over and above their buttocks and thighs (above)

Shadow chief whip, Valerie Vaz, later told reporters that Starmer had said all he had to say on what has been termed “Tit-man gate” and that the Labour Party considered the matter closed.

TITS

But chairman of the influential 1922 Committee, Sir Graham Brady, said that he intended to introduce a private members bill calling on Starmer to appear before a cross-party Select Committee to answer questions about whether he prefers tits to arses and thighs.