AMBULANCE DRIVER: Richard ‘The Hamster’ Hammond

WITH ALL my health problems I usually end up phoning for an ambulance at least four times a week – so I know how important getting a decent driver is. Unfortunately, most of the NHS wheelmen I’ve dealt with in my time have been thoroughly incompetent and unpleasant characters. Only yesterday, I dialled 999 when I spotted a worrying new mole on my elbow. It turned out to be a stray Coco Pop, but rather than chuckling at this mix-up and giving me a lift to the hospital anyway, the obnoxious ambulance man simply swore at me and stormed off. For my A-List med team, I’d want a driver who was friendly, professional and a dab hand behind the wheel – so who better than vertically challenged telly fave RICHARD ‘THE HAMSTER’ HAMMOND?

First and foremost, Top Gear icon Hammond is a renowned petrolhead, so he would not be afraid to stick the sirens on full blast and screech through the streets at breakneck speed to ferry his wounded subjects to safety. What’s more, the death-defying Hamster already knows his way around the healthcare system, having spent five weeks in Leeds General Infirmary after going arse over tit in a rocket-powered dragster. As such, the tidy-bearded presenter would be able to soothe his patients’ nerves about what was in store, providing words of comfort and experience from the driver’s seat.

Hammond could even surprise his pick-ups with a delightful new scheme called ‘Star In A Reasonably Priced Ambulance’, in which he roped in another A-List petrolhead – perhaps James Martin or Jay Kay out of Jamiroquai – to take the wheel and see if they could make it to casualty before their starstruck patient bled out in the back of the vehicle.

When it came to selecting my A-List ambulance operator, Lilliputian motormouth Richard would finish in pole position every time.