Letterbocks

ON A RECENT visit to Denmark I saw this remarkable poster inside a bus. Needless to say, I put my foot through the bus window and was hospitalised for a considerable amount of time. However, I was perfectly fine and I didn’t even have to pay any medical bills because of the excellent public health system in Scandinavia. Do I win five Krone?

Reginald Chaos, email

NOW THAT Who Do You Think You Are has informed us that comedian Josh Widdicombe is descended from Henry VIII, it somehow makes all the trouble the tyrannical fat fucker caused in his desperate quest for a male heir seem even more ridiculous.

Steve Crouch, Peterborough

I RECENTLY started writing a musical about Brenda Blethyn simply called Brenda. However, I had to stop because I realised that I know nothing about her, and in addition, I can’t write music. Michael Mathew, Watford

I CAN’T HELP noticing that there haven’t been many kitchen appliance-related stories in this magazine for quite some time. Come on Viz, lift your game!

Col P Fawcett, Durham

COME ON, train drivers. It wouldn’t hurt you to stop at a level crossing and let pedestrians and traffic s ac Juhsi t e

D Williams, Donegal

HOW COME the army still transport their soldiers in those huge, dark green vehicles? They’ve been doing this for years and surely the enemy have realised what’s in them by now. I think they’d be far better off turning up to battle in a DPD delivery truck, or an Eddie Stobart lorry. The enemy wouldn’t have a clue what was going on until they all hopped out the back.

Lloyd Hilton, Connah’s Quay

FORGET the empty supermarket shelves, travel restrictions and delivery driver shortages. The worst aspect of Brexit must surely be not being allowed to ask for a ‘soixanteneuf’ in a rub-a-tug shop any more.

J Brown, Edinburgh

HAVE ANY other readers noticed that there are no life jackets under the seats for passengers on a bus, like they have on aeroplanes? As usual it’s one rule for air travellers and another for the rest of us.

Col P Fawcett, Durham

HAVE ANY other readers noticed that there are no emergency stop buttons or handles like they have on trains for passengers on aeroplanes? As usual it’s one rule for rail passengers and another for the rest of us.

Col P Fawcett, Durham

I HAVE JUST read a news story which said there may be a shortage of turkeys this Christmas due to a lack of staff to ‘process’ the birds at farms. Surely if there is not enough people to kill turkeys, that means there is more of them about, leading to a surplus, not a shortage. So there’s nothing to worry about.

Ian Thompson, Northumberland MUTED trumpets may be old fashioned, but I still like them. And if the so-called ‘woke’ brigade try to stop me enjoying them, I’ll give them what for.

Rodney Watts, West Drayton

IN REPLY to Antony of Invercargill (Letterbocks, issue 310), I am saddened to say that he is spouting complete bollocks. The name Evan rhymes with heaven, so were Ivan Jelical to be called Evan Jelical, it may look more correct in his eyes, but phonetically would be all wrong. Ivan Jelical is a closer phonetic match to evangelical, which is the play on words that the name of this fictitious character aims to achieve. Frankly, I am surprised that Antony of Invercargill has time to waste writing letters to Viz on such a trivial matter.

Colin Edge, email

I RECKON I could easily be the Olympic 100 metres champion if I could be arsed. Do any other readers believe they could easily be world champion at something if only they could be arsed?

Ian Webb, Bury St Edmunds

That’s an interesting question to ask our readers, Mr Webb. What is it you would be best in the world at, but you just can’t be arsed? Perhaps you would be the World Chess Champion if you could be bothered. Or maybe you can’t be arsed to break the world high jump record. Or perhaps you have the world’s best selling book of all time in your head, but you’re just too apathetic to get it down on paper. Write in and let us know, if you can be arsed, of course.

I READ with disgust the mocking of Kraftwerk in a recent issue, particularly the fact that Kraftwerk had a large number of former members. I assure you, these lists of past and present personnel are inaccurate. They contain people who were never fully-fledged members of the band. The truthful list would not exceed 12 Mitglieder at its most generous. Even though I understand this was an attempt at world-famous ‘British Humour,’ I am still not liking. One who repeats these lies is clearly an Arschgeige. Please return when you are a pioneer of music and have produced art of outstanding technical aptitude and elegance. In the meantime, please to refrain from mocking artists who redraw the musical landscape in their image, you English swine.

Ralf H, Meerbusch-Osterath

I’m afraid we find the tone of your letter rather offensive, Ralf. And it was certainly most uncalled for. What have we British ever done, in the last five or so years, to cause such offence to our European friends and neighbours?

APPARENTLY, there are more people alive today than have ever lived in all of human history. It must therefore follow that there are more living people than there can possibly be ghosts. So I would suggest that ghosts are nothing to be scared of because we outnumber them, and quite frankly, they should stop all the rattling chains and woooing noises and wind their fucking necks in.

Dawn Chorus, Cornwall

NOW THAT the Saudis have taken over Newcastle United, they’ll be looking for ways to ingratiate themselves with the locals and embrace the culture of the area. And what better way than to sponsor the letters page of the North East’s most popular humorous magazine? Replacing any mention of Arthur Graham with Chris Waddle or Alan Shearer may help to grease the wheels a bit and get a much needed cash injection into this fine national institution.

Henry Ballsup, Lincoln

That’s an interesting idea, Mr Ballsup, but we have our standards and we would not take their money, no matter how much they offered. And if they think we are not serious, then they should send us some money and watch us not take it. We would not take cash, bank transfer or crossed cheques made payable to Viz Comic.

I DON’T have a car, so during the petrol crisis I’ve started stockpiling toilet rolls. We’ve all got to do our bit.

D F Kant, Northumberland

I TRAINED our dog to lick my bollocks using Nutella as a treat. However, the other day he went too far and I had to tell my wife that I got caught up on some barbed wire.

Bob Coombs, email

I KNOW a bloke called Jonny Foreigner… and he’s English. It just goes to show anything is possible these days.

Ian Webb, Bury St Edmunds

shot 90-year-old William Shatner into orbit, the Americans currently hold the record for the oldest celebrity in space. But we’ve got a perfectly serviceable 95-year-old Queen who Richard Branson could afford to fire up in one of his rockets and snatch the record. Come on, Ma’am. Come on, Sir Richard. Let’s give the yanks a bloody nose.

Stuie, Bunny

DOES anyone know if there is an emoji for a swollen scrotum? I can’t find one on my iPhone and it’s rather urgent.

Boody, Chesvegas

WE HAVE unisex toilets at my work, and while I was waiting for a free cubicle, a female colleague exited one declaring “that smell in there wasn’t me.” Correct me if I’m wrong, but any bloke would have proudly accepted full responsibility for the eye-watering stench that assaulted my olfactory senses. This gender equality thing is clearly nonsense.

Mike Tatham, St. Andrews

WHY are photos of the moon always in black and white? Come on NASA, take one in colour for once.

Brian Wigdrain, Plantpot

FARMERS are complaining that they can’t get enough slaughtermen to deal with their pigs and send them off to market. So why don’t they take a leaf out of fruit farmers’ books and start a ‘pick your own pigs’ business? This would solve all their problems and save on staff costs at a stroke, plus we the public could do what we do when strawberry picking, and eat the odd pig or two before we got to the tills.

Shy Ted, email

IT’S SCANDALOUS the amount of betting companies that are involved in football these days, enticing weak-minded fans to wager on ridiculous things like the number of corners or yellow cards. I bet there are more than 100 bookmakers advertising in Premier League stadiums alone. But it turned out there were only 98, so I lost my £50 stake. But you win some, you lose some. And when the fun stops, I’ll stop. Do I win £5?

Pardraig Gumboil, Hull

YOU CAN keep your Pyramids at Giza, your Great Walls of China and your Roman Colosseums. The humble ROAD is constantly overlooked when discussing great feats of engineering. They are the longest man-made structures on the planet but you don’t see coachloads of tourists pulling up to have their picture taken with them. Maybe you should think about that next time you stop for a piss on the A303 on your way to Stonehenge.

D Williams, Donegal

IF WE can have wind-up radios and torches, why can’t we have other appliances that can be powered in the same way? I for one would like to survive the forthcoming winter of discontent with its gas, electricity and petrol shortages, so a wind-up cooker, TV and central heating would be great. James Dyson should earn his knighthood and get to work on it right away. What do we pay these ‘so-called’ scientists for?

T.ONeill, Glasgow WITH reference to the Viz Nano-Vegetables Challenge from issue 296, here is my 2021 spud and carrot ‘micro-harvest,’ with banknote included for scale. Incidentally, the original letter sparking off the nanovegetable challenge featured a nano-tomato, which is actually a fruit.

Dave Hoare, Stockton Heath

THE OTHER DAY I attempted some humour by doing the old ‘pull my finger’ fart routine. However, I had forgotten that a few days earlier I had dislocated the finger that was to be pulled, and when my mate tugged it, I gave out an almighty scream, together with a much louder than normal fart. It left my mate genuinely stunned and horrified at the pain he’d caused me, and any humour was lost in the moment. I also got more than I’d bargained for, as I had to give my bum a wipe and, if truth be told, I probably should have changed my underpants too.

Ken, Barlow

THEY say chocolate is poisonous for dogs. Now I may not be a dog, but I regularly eat chocolate and it’s never done me any harm.

Mikery Stroudbarston, Worcester

IT’S BECOME fashionable recently to view films and television shows from the past and find them problematic or ‘unwoke.’ However, it is not always the case. I rewatched a German porn film called Nun Fuckers yesterday which I first saw in the early 90s, and it was fucking great then, and it’s fucking great now.

James Millar, Sutton

WE LIVE in strange times. Mark Selby is from Leicester, Jack Lester is from Sheffield and Jeremy Sheffield is from Chelmsford. And there are no celebrities or sports stars with the surname Chelmsford. You couldn’t make it up.

Adrian Lord, Barnsley

PLEASE find attached a second version of a letter about the Righteous Brothers. Ignore the first one I sent you, as I made an arse of the spelling. On second thoughts, It’s probably best to ignore both of them.

Graham Flintoft, Gatesheed

WHY should I trust scientists with viruses when they can’t even make a mango with edible skin? Come on, scientists. If you can make smooth-skinned peaches, I’m sure you can make it possible to eat a mango like an apple.

Yarners, London

WITH REFERENCE to the above letter. I won’t hold my breath waiting for scientists to make a mango with an edible skin. We’ve been waiting for decades for them to find cures for diseases, develop drought resistant plants and discover ever smaller sub-atomic particles. But no, that’s too much to ask. They’re all too busy swanning about their laboratories in their white coats like Lord Muck, calling each other Dr this, and Professor that, and giving each other Nobel prizes right, left and centre. Work-shy fuckers, the lot of them.

Hubert Lanceboil, Derby

HOW can they call themselves Status Quo when they’ve had so many lineup changes? Am I the only one who thinks the hypocrisy of this band stinks?

Ed O’Meara, Bromley

IT was the the October holiday week at last, and while on holiday at my aunt’s cottage in Clackmannanshire, I came upon this pile of Zimmer frames, all carefully sawn in half. It looks to me awfully much like one of those vital clues Jack Black and his dog Silver stumble upon so often. I wonder if you could pass the picture to Jack, as it may solve his next mystery.

Argy Ell, Glasgow

GROWING up in the 1980s, my mum regularly put the fear of God into me with tales about catching rabies. I’m now a parent myself, but not once have I passed this irrational anxiety on to my own children. So come on, modern mums and dads. Let’s bring back the good old-fashioned fear of rabies, and give the current snowflake generation something to really worry about.

Tom Muskett, Huddersfield

IN THE FUTURE ,if any workers get trapped underground and rescuers have to dig a borehole to get them out, rather than slowly hoisting them up in a cylindrical cage like they did with those Chilean miners, I think they should be fired up it like a big cannon. They could land in a massive net on the surface, with all clowns cheering and clapping. I’m sure it would lighten the mood for any onlooking anxious relatives.

Fat Al White, Wrenthorpe

PERHAPS you or your readers could assist me with this question: Is there a threshold between a skidmark and a shit, and if there is, what is it and how might one measure it? This is important as the missus is claiming that I have shit my pants, but it is my assertion that it is only heavy skidding following a sudden application of the brakes whilst attempting to twist on nineteen.

S Minge, Jersey

HOW COME you never see those man-powered trolleys with the seesaw-type mechanism on train tracks any more? They used to be in all the films. Come on, Hollywood. Bring them back and give us all a laugh in these difficult times.

Tony Steward, West Drayton

WHY do boxers take such long breaks between fights? In my local boozer last month, Wee Davie and Mad Mick went outside and knocked the shit out of each other all over some woman. And the very next week, it happened again. If they were professional boxers, the re-match would have been several months after.

Dr Doalot, ICU, Glasgow.

I CAN’T HELP but think that if the Smiths had made it big nowadays instead of the 1980s, Morrissey would have been on Top Of The Pops with his eyes laser-corrected, and wearing an invisible Bluetooth ear bud instead of those dreary NHS specs and that big brown hearing aid hanging out of his ear. There are some wonderful treatments available these days.

Jools Carriageway, email

IN the article 15 Things You Never Knew About Chess (Viz 309) ,you state there are only twelve possible opening moves in a game. This is bullshit, as each prawn could advance either one or two spaces forward, making a total of twenty moves along with the four moves the knights could make. Furthermore, the white player may choose to just sack the whole thing off and surrender his king for his opening gambit, so he can do something more worthwhile with his time instead, like going to the pub or having a wank. So that’s twenty-one moves.

Dave Sayers, Beverley

WHY does ‘stick it up your bollocks’ football manager Roy Keane keep shaving his beard off, then growing it again, then shaving it off again? I never know whether I’m watching live football or a recorded match because of this. Keane should either make a decision and stay with it, or the TV companies should put a disclaimer on the screen advising of his current beard status.

Terry Farricker, Blackpool

I RECENTLY bought a pack of Wotsits Giants to recreate the whole “they were bigger when I was smaller” experience. But I made the mistake of giving one to a child who will now remember them as that size. In twenty years time, will they have to make Wotsits Giants Giants so that this era’s children can have the same experience? If so, where will it end?

S. Beckett, Shiptonon-Dour

WHY are tigers endangered but lions aren’t? I’d much rather have a lion skin rug in my living room than a tiger one. Those stripes wouldn’t go with my curtains.

Greg Alam, Hanham

ALOT of hard working people in this country are struggling to make ends meet. Yet football clubs are rewarding their players by making them millionaires for kicking a football about each week, which doesn’t seem fair. Why don’t these clubs give one or two ordinary people a run-out for their team every Saturday and pay them in line with their professional players? It wouldn’t disadvantage a team in a match if both sides did it, and a single 60-70 minute run-out for any Premier League side would set them up for life.

John Mason, email

SPIDERS would have far more luck catching flies if they spun their webs over dog shit or across a cow’s arse. There you go, spiders. You can thank me later.

Dave Attenborough, London

HOW come when Salt Bae trickles salt from his fingers and down his arm on to someone’s food he gets called a genius, but when I do something similar I get fired from my job? Once again it’s one rule for international superchefs and another for disgruntled pub kitchen staff adding a personal ingredient to an awkward customer’s mixed grill.

Hector Broomshank, Poole

IF, AS WE’RE told, variety is the spice of life, then it’s hardly surprising that the British are such miserable fuckers when our biggest crisp manufacturers’ Variety Pack always consists of boring old Ready Salted, Cheese & Onion and Salt & Vinegar. If Gary Lineker truly wants to sort out social injustices, maybe he should start here.

Micky Spudsworth, Luton

I READ with even more interest than Iain Lee did about the piss poor list of celebrities that have visited Clifton Rocks Railway, and I see that Mr Lee has offered to visit this attraction if they pay for his fares. Well I was on the telly in the 80’s, then went to Hollywood and appeared in five of the worst films ever made. I am now working part time in a garden centre in Kent and would be delighted to attend if they paid HALF my fare. I hope this may stir the relevant interest.

Steve Blacknell, email