Your Etiquette Questions Answered by Acknowledged Etiquette Expert
Dear Mickey,
MY AUNTIE is terminally ill and I suspect that she may pop her clogs sometime this week. I was just wondering how long is it after she goes before I can have a wank without it seeming disrespectful. I love her very much, but I also love to have a nice wank.
Billy Beaujangles, Goole
Mickey says…That is a difficult one, Mr Beaujangles. If it was someone extremely close to you who had died, such as your mother, sister or wife, then you should not have a strum of any sort for at least a week. In the case of an auntie, it all depends on the closeness of your relationship, but I think you should refrain from any form of self abuse for at least 48 hours. Unless of course, you are a 17 year-old boy, in which case you should try your best to wait until the person breaking the news to you has left the room before pulling the pope’s cap off.
Dear Mickey,
LAST week my cousin was killed in an industrial accident which was obviously a terrible shock to our family. A few days after his death, I found out that my son, after several months’ trials, had been given a contract to play for Manchester City. I am absolutely over the moon and I want to tell everybody about it. My entire family will be at my cousin’s funeral next week and it would be an ideal opportunity to let everyone know my son has made the big time. I wonder if it would be in bad taste to go around telling everybody the fantastic news, grinning like an idiot, on such a solemn occasion.
Tommy Coathooks, Manchester
Mickey says… Funerals are very strange occasions, with both sombre and lighthearted moments. The actual service will be a solemn time of reflection of the life lost, and you must not mention your wonderful news at the crem. However, the gatherings after a funeral invariably lighten in mood as everyone moves forward. So afterwards, you would certainly be able to spread the fantastic news. Perhaps steer the conversation towards football whilst talking fondly about your cousin, and then mention the news in passing adding that, were he still with us, how proud he would have been of your son’s success, something like that.