YULE LOG JAM

Nation Urged to Stagger Boxing Day Motions

THE UK WAS IN UPROAR LAST NIGHT AFTER IT EMERGED THAT THE GOVERNMENT IS HOPING TO AVOID CHRISTMAS SHORTAGES BY ASKING PEOPLE TO STAGGER THEIR BOXING DAY TOILET VISITS.

Due to a range of factors, including Brexit, the shortage of lorry drivers and the Covid pandemic, supply chains for toilet roll have been compromised, and Whitehall is clearly worried that the nation’s stocks won’t withstand the festive onslaught.

Many Britons, terrified that they would run out of chod-rag supplies for the smallest room in the house, stockpiled toilet paper at the beginning of the first lockdown, leading to empty shelves across the nation’s supermarkets. More than a year on, these supplies have all but been used up, and Parliament fears that a repeat surge of panic buying could clear out Christmas stocks of bumwad across the nation.

To avoid this happening, and in order to avoid toilet paper shortages during what is traditionally a busy time for bog roll suppliers, the proposal would see every Briton being assigned a pre-determined date to drop their festive load.

DINNERS

“The figures I’ve seen are compelling,” says ITV Chief Political Reporter Robert Peston. “During a normal Christmas, all 70 million inhabitants of the UK parking their Christmas dinners on Boxing Day uses enough shit tickets to stretch to the moon and back over a thousand times.”

According to the proposal, Britons will be asked to schedule their festive cable laying by age group. The over80s will take priority, taking their Boxing Day Shit from the 15th to the 19th of November, with the 55-79 age group following through shortly afterwards, between the 20th and 28th of November.

LITTLE

“I wasn’t sure at first, but now I think it’s a first-rate idea,” Fulchester octogenerian Edna Crease told us. “And it’s right that us pensioners get to drop our copper bolts first.”

“I look foward to strangling a Mars bar on December the 26th, but if I’ve got to drop my Boxing Day Thora Hird in November, then I’ll do it for Queen and country,” said 92-year old Harold Barstool.

“Like in the war, we’ve all got to do our bit to keep the bumwad spinning off the roll.”

“I only hope that shortages of turkey, sprouts and Christmas pudding will keep the turtle’s head at Bay on December 26th,” he added.

Off the shelf: The nowfamiliar sight of supermarket shelves devoid of bog roll could spell a seasonal disaster for a nation gorged on sprouts and turkey (inset).