Beating the Boxing Day Bog Roll Shortage
IT’S THE FAECAL FIASCO THAT everyone’s GOT AN OPINION ON. SO WE WENT OUT ON THE STREET TO SEE WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THE Great British Bog Roll Embargo.
“IF THE WATER companies invested in stonger maceration equipment, we could use old wrapping paper left over from Christmas Day for cleaning our arses. It would leave our holes a bit glittery and itchy, but it’s a small price to pay for the luxury of an empty gut and forty minutes’ peace and quiet on the thunder mug on Boxing Day.”
Barry Murk, Shrewsbury
“ONCE AGAIN, Westminster is out of touch with the general population. I imagine your average politician eats stuff like quails’ eggs, grouse and fancy cheese - all food that binds the bomb bay shut. I’d like to see these toffs wrestling with the stirrings caused by a few bottles of bitter and a jumbo bag of dryroasted the day after Christmas.”
Frank Potato, Chester
“MY WIFE and I are only a year apart in age, so we’ve both been
assigned the same slot for our festive flush; 3.15pm on the first of December. We only have the one toilet in our property so, in order to stick to Government guidelines, we are going to have to curl one out at precisely the same moment into the same pan. As it happens, we’re quite looking forward to it, hoping it will put a bit of spice back into our marriage, but we understand that that kind of thing may not be everyone’s cup of tea.”
Harold Amphetamines, Leicester
“I THINK it’s a great idea and one that could be applied to other seasonal toilet-roll based activities, like the traditional festive tug. If everyone else in the country is like my husband, they’ll all go for a quick ham shank when there’s nothing much on TV, like during Songs of Praise or Her Majesty’s Christmas Broadcast.”
Marjorie Pleat, Tunbridge