Shit Yourself Up This Christmas
SON THE THUNDERBOX STRAINING AGAINST CHRISTMAS CONSTIPATION IS AN UNWELCOME FESTIVE TRADITION, AND UNFORTUNATELY IT’S ALSO AN EXTREMELY COMMON ONE. A REPORT IN THE BRITISH MEDICAL ASSOCIATION’S JOURNAL The Lancet SAYS THAT ALMOST 68% OF THE POPULATION WILL GET A FAECAL BACK-UP AT THIS MOST MAGICAL TIME OF THE YEAR, A CONSEQUENCE OF OUR MODERN, STRESSFUL HOLIDAY SEASON.
A much older, and more welcome festive tradition is the telling of ghost stories, which have been thrilling old and young alike at Christmas since the Victorian era.
So we’ve decided to use one of these traditions to put an end to the other. And we’ve teamed up with top performance ghost story teller and writer Robert Lloyd Parry to scare the shit out of three lucky constipated readers this Christmas.
The uncomfortable, bloated winners of our Christmas ghost story competition will each receive a copy of Ghosts of the Chit-Chat, a collection of short ghost stories edited and signed by Parry himself. And if that’s not enough to open the festive bomb bay doors, they will also receive a DVD of RL Parry performing a reading of several of the stories.
For your chance to win, correctly answer these five spine-chilling ghost-story related questions…
1. In Charles Dickens’s 1843 novel A Christmas Carol, who was the final spirit to visit miser Ebenezer Scrooge on Christmas Eve? a. The ghost of Tsushima b. The ghost of Christmas yet to come c. The ghost of Elvis Presley
2. In the 1990 film Ghost, a spook comes into the Manhattan apartment of Molly Jensen, played by Demi Moore, and helps her make
a big clay cock on a potter’s wheel. But who plays the spook?
a. Patrick Swayze b. Morgan Freeman c. Ben Turpin
3. According to the 1988 hit song Ghostbusters, which accompanied the film of the same name, what type of ghost did singer Ray Parker Jnr confess to not being afraid of?
a. a poltergeist b. a wraith c. no
4. The title of MR James’s chilling 1904 ghost story Oh, Whistle, and I’ll Come to You, My Lad, was inspired by which poem?
a. The Pied Piper of Hamelin by Robert Browning
b. The Charge of the Light Brigade by Alfred Tennyson
c. Oh, Whistle, and I’ll Come to You, My Lad by Robert Burns
5. Susan Hill’s 1983 ringpiece-opener The Woman in Black is set in a desolate house named after a fish and a type of wetland. What is it called?
a. Perch Mire House b. Eel Marsh House c. Cod in Parsley Sauce Bog House
SEND YOUR ANSWERS TO: Viz Ghost Story Competition, PO Box 841, Whitely Bay, NE26 9EQ, or email your answers to letters@viz.co.uk with ‘Ghost Story Competition’ as the subject heading. But don’t worry if you don’t win – You can buy a copy of Ghosts of the Chit-Chat, along with a series of DVDs featuring Robert Lloyd Parry’s readings by going to www.nunkie.co.uk, where you will also find his schedule of live performances. Everyone attending one of Robert’s evening recitals is advised to take a clean pair of underpants or knickers with them. Anyone not needing to change into them at the end of the show will be refunded their admission in full.