ARE YOU HAVING A MIDLIFE CRISIS?

W ESEE MEN GOING THROUGH THEIR MIDLIFE CRISIS EVERY DAY; WHETHER IT’S MAKING LEWD COMMENTS TO WOMEN 20 YEARS THEIR JUNIOR IN THE WORKPLACE, TAKING OUT FINANCE ON A TESTAROSSA AT THE FERRARI SHOWROOM, OR SHOUTING ILL-RESEARCHED BULLSHIT THROUGH A MEGAPHONE ON THE STREET CORNER. BUT BEFORE YOU POINT AND LAUGH, HAVE YOU CONSIDERED THAT YOU MIGHT BE GOING THROUGH THE MALE MENOPAUSE? ALL MEN EXPERIENCE A MIDLIFE CRISIS AT SOME POINT IN THEIR LIVES, and you could be going through yours right now.

So why not take our fun quiz to find out? Simply answer the following questions truthfully, tot up your answers, and see if you are going through a male pattern midlife meltdown.

1. How would you describe your facial hair?

a. Clean shaven. There’s not really much point in making work for yourself.

b. A Noel Edmonds-style tidy beard, treated with a light touch of Just for Men.

c. An enormous twirly-tipped waxed moustache, exquisitely maintained pointed sideburns and a stupid plaited Viking beard.

2. You could do with some clothes, so you go shopping for a new outfit. What do you buy?

a. A stylish suit with a sober shirt and a pair of brogues from a gent’s outfitter.

b. A pair of M&S Chinos, matching polo shirt, a pair of deck shoes and a sweater inexplicably draped over your shoulders.

c. A white, skin-tight Calvin Klein T-shirt, ripped Tommy Hilfiger jeans, Oakley sun glasses and a pair of designer sneakers costing more than a family hatchback.

3. What is your normal bedtime routine?

a. You usually turn in about 10pm with a good book, whilst catching a roundup of the day’s news on Radio 4

b. You tend to drop off around midnight after a glass of wine and maybe a weekly attempt at some perfunctory sex with your wife.

c. You arrive home at 6 in the morning, dishevelled and still ripped to the tits on MDMA after spending the night throwing ludicrous shapes and waving glow sticks at an illegal rave at an out of town warehouse.

4. A scuffle between a group of young men half your age breaks out in your local. How do you react?

a. Just keep your head down, hoping the security staff will deal swiftly with the troublemakers.

b. Ensure you are between your wife and the participants, appearing ready to step in if they get too close and inviting your wife to hold you back. You did, after all, box at school.

c. Strip to the waist and angrily enquire whether any of the miscreants fucking wants some.

5. You pop to the shops to buy a pint of milk. How will you get there?

a. Cycle, or maybe take a brisk walk. It’s only a short distance and the exercise will do you good.

b. You drive there in an eco-friendly Hybrid vehicle.

c. On a Honda Fireblade, capable of a top speed in excess of 190mph, dressed head to toe in a gaudy, tasselled leather one-piece that would embarrass Evel Knievel.