Rogers PROFANISAURUS

A Festive update from Britain’s Favourite Lexicon of Filth and Profanity

arsejection moulding n.

The kind of sit down toilet adventure that requires you to tease your nipsy back into roughly the right shape afterwards. A humpty dumpty that changes the way you walk. See also (like a) hedgehog through a cheesegrater. ballistics n. The science of bet Freds A tight group of loud, Lynx-deodorantsmelling, thirty-something men - who only refer to each other by nicknames - hanging around the bar in a momentarily trendy establishment. bio-break 1. n. Term used by business wankers when they need to have a five minute interregnum between meetings in order to answer the call of nature 2. n. A monkey’s fagbreak.. bring down the gavel 1. phr. What an auctioneer on Bargain Hunt does in order to bring everyone’s suffering to a close. 2. n. The highly audible sound made by the toilet seat when it releases itself from the back of the thighs, indicating the conclusion of someone’s duties. ‘Ah, it sounds as though the Lord Chamberlain has brought down the gavel at last. Although I’d give it ten minutes if I were you.’ brown sky thinking 1. n. A state of mind attained by a sage fellow when his or her mind wanders to thoughts of a defecatory nature. 2. n. The state of mindfulness one experiences in the moments after the bugler sounds the retreat. bugler sound the retreat exclam. Rousing, military-style announcement of a trumpet involuntary. bunt 1. v. In baseball, to bat a pitched ball very gently so that it rolls into the infield close to home plate. Whatever that means. 2. v. Of a goat or calf, to push with the horns or head. 3. n. The perineum; that bit between the bum and the cunt. Also known as the carse, notcher, transporter bridge, tinter, taint, tisnae, tissent, crunk and Luton-to-Dunstable busway.

Celtic reminder n. When enjoying an illegal Sky Sports broadcast, the discombobulating moment when the advert shows Dominos Pizza prices in euros and you realise that you’re

watching an Irish stream. chode-stool n. A shiny red ballbag under a tiny Hampton. Quite possibly toxic if ingested. clamcorder n. Video camera used for close-up work in lowbudget nutflix productions. craprobat n. One who performs incredible feats of physical flexibility when parking their fudge. Like the dirty bastard who managed to leave his mark up every door and wall of the bogs at the entrance to Tsavo East National Park in Kenya, and even managed to hit the ventilation fan high on the ceiling, plus every window. Croatian windsock n. The sorry state of a chap’s quiver when he has lost his darts. ‘Sorry love, will have to give it a miss tonight. I’ve got a cock like a Croatian wind sock.’ dead sparrow n. A small amount of foulage that has fallen into an area of the shark’s mouth beyond the reach of advancing toilet flushes and must be left there until the missus volunteers to do something heroic. double jobbing 1. n. Holding down two careers simultaneously, for example whilst working from home or being the Prime Minister. 2. n. A second sitting, epilog or double rollover. double slit experiment 1. n. Famous demonstration of wave/particle duality that was first performed by Thomas Young in 1801. 2. n. An attempt to persuade two ladyfriends into joining a three-ina bed romp that displays the fundamentally probabilistic nature of quantum mechanical phenomena. enchilardarse n. Someone who has achieved plumper status through enthusiastic consumption of spicy Mexican comestibles.

Geordie foix gras n. Pease pudding. Also known as Geordie hummus, Yorkshire caviar, Barnsley caviar and Scouse guacamole. gift that keeps on giving 1. n. medic. The trots, Indian mustard, jungle jitters, hoop soup. A load of old shoes falling out of a loft. 2. n. That last teggat of feeshus that seems to require a whole bog roll to wipe. Ginderella n. prop. A pretty princess who is - after imbibing quantities of crying juice - transformed in dawn’s early light into a ragged scullery maid of low bearing, wearing one shoe. give the benefit of the doubt v.T ohavea wank over someone. ‘I saw Nigella on her new cookery show last night, your holiness.’ ‘Ah, I haven’t given her the benefit of the doubt in a while, I can tell you. Print out a picture of her, and I’ll make amends after evensong.’ grandfather cock euph. A senior citizen with excessively pendulous clockweights that have to be laboriously raised each evening whilst pausing on the landing on the way to bed, Reverend Bronte-style. grim-dins n. When you come home to find that all you have in the pantry is a tin of peas, a packet of spaghetti and some cold ham nearing its use-by date, and no amount of fucking Hellmans can “turn your nothing into something.” gum shot n. The climactic finale of granny horatio caught on camera. hand fanny-sizer n. Traditional method of determining the dimensions and pliancy of a prospective enamorata’s cludgepiece by the insertion of the terminal portion of the human forelimb. horn breaker n. An overlyenthusiastic rider of the horse’s handbrake.

Jemima Puddlefuck n. prop. Nickname for a female wetness enthusiast. See also Judy Drench. lockfrown n. The expression on a fellow’s face when he realises he has to summon up the strength to have ten wanks, drink fifteen cans and eat twenty bags of crisps every day for the next three months. long piss euph. A shit that you don’t want people to know that you shat. ‘You were in the facilities a long time just then, your majesty.’ ‘I was just having a long piss, Archbishop. Just having a long piss.’ look at him getting plenty while the rest of us scrap for crumbs exclam. Whilst viewing a film or television sex scene, a frustrated announcement from a gentlemen who’s had none in a good while. Typically uttered in the presence of his good lady in a thinly veiled - and fruitless - bid to spur her into abit. methane footprint n. An internationally recognised measure used to evaluate the potential environmental damage caused by an individual’s emissions of brownhouse gases. migroine n. medic. Feeling of generalised cranial decrepitude after spending a little too long trapped in a porn vortex. ‘How was your day working from home, dear?’ ‘Er, fine love. I had to have a little lie down after lunch as I felt a migroine coming on.’ move the needle 1. v. To invigorate one who is noticably un

dersized. 2. v. To miraculously get a rise out of someone who exhibits lack of composure in front of goal. mud smile n. A rusty grin in

your undercrackers. nontrepreneur n. A bloke who incessantly rabbits on how he’s going to make his millions with a business idea that he proceeds to do absolutely nothing about. norkward silence n. Period of wordless embarrassment that ensues when a lady catches a gent peering furtively at her chebs. one brown mouse 1. n. prop. Second track on side 2 of Jethro Tull’s 1978 LP Heavy Horses. 2. n. A singular dollop of feeshus passed during a trip to the bog. peeling a post-it note euph. The gentle manoeuvre separating the sides of the chicken skin handbag from the top of the thigh. An operation of increasing necessity with advancing age.

Penelope touch lamp 1. n. Lighting device supplied by a well known high street retailer. 2. n. Victorian name for the clematis.

PHD acronym. Pre-Hump Dump. A thoughtful concession to the olfactory sensitivities of one’s romantic partner of prior to embarking on. a bout

salami concealment ‘Make sure you have a good PHD tonight, Gordon. Four hours of them guffs last night was enough to gag a maggot.’ ‘Okay, our Trudie. I’ll even lay off the stout.’ pooperglue n. Faecal ejecta that displays superior - not to say industrial-strength - adhesive properties. Removal is often only possible by using the piss chisel, thumbnail or blowtorch. ‘Holy Mary, mother of God! The father’s cludgee is daubed in fecking pooperglue again. Fetch a sister with good nails, and quick.’ ride the pink horse 1. n. prop. Title of a 1947 film noir starring Robert Montgomery, Thomas Gomez and Rita Conde, remade for TV by Don Siegel in 1964 as The Hanged Man. The sort of thing that turns up on Talking Pictures TV, and looks like it’s been transferred off Standard 8. 2. v. To get shagged. school gate mafia n. Social grouping of mams, nans and aunts who congregate in school playgrounds at drop-off and pick-up times, spending every available second networking with each other and ingratiating themselves with teachers and playground wardens. They probably know more about your kid than you do. self-arselating n. Taking oneself off to a quiet corner of the pub, bookies, restaurant etc. for a period of time, in order that others need not be in danger of inhaling your particularly noxious variant of carbon-dibaxide. she-bay n. Online retailing that is responsible for filling your dwelling with handbags, shoes, make-up, hairdryers, soft furnishings, food supplements and exercise bikes whilst you are out at work. shitbit n. Non-branded wristworn exercise monitor typically found for sale out of a suitcase or on a market stall, notable for the small font utilised on its instruction leaflet. shitchy adj. How you might describe your ringpiece if you don’t follow a sufficiently rigorous wiping regimen. showstopper 1. n. A round in The Great British Bake Off in which participants are required to create a dramatic and technically challenging confection in an attempt to impress the judges. 2. n. Any sudden and unexpectedly dramatic passage of marsh gas which momentarily stops all activity within a 200m radius. skid games n. Gambling that a fart is not a shit. Poor play can lead to serious injury or even death. spill the beans v. To blow off

thunderously that one will itch when it dries exclam. Comment made after unsuccessfully twisting on nineteen. top shelf shit n. An explosive Sir Douglas that’s on the runny side, and manages to paint the top rim of the toilet bowl and escape the flush. torpoodo n. A brown missile launched with such ferocity it could sink the Bismarck or Tirpitz. Also known as a pan cracker or Bedfordshire clanger. two-hander 1. n. A film or play where a pair of actors share the stage, eg. The Dumb Waiter by Harold Pinter; Educating Rita by Willy Russell; The Stronger by August Strindberg. 2. n. A gigantic, tumescent chopper which requires the simultaneous deployment of both of a romantic suitor’s hands. As seen only in extreme whirlwind romance videos. whirlwind romance video euph. A short play with limited dialogue where the characters get on very well. wood morning exclam. Upon waking, a young chap’s spoken greeting to his youthful ante meridiem tumescence.