HO! HO! NO!
Toddlers are dreaming of a WAIT Christmas
A SHOCKING report in the Retail Gazette has revealed that British children could wait up to SIX WEEKS to see a Santa Claus in a department store this Christmas. And it is feared that as many as half a million wonderstruck toddlers may not get to see one at all.
The crisis is not due to a national shortage of Santa Clauses, which are in plentiful supply, but rather from Covid-19 restrictions which are limiting the number of appointments available for wideeyed children in shops.
“Britain produces more Santas than any country in the world except the United States, so for once, Brexit is not to blame,” said Aiken Drummond from the British Retailers Association. “But due to social distancing measures the number of children a Santa can see in an hour is severely limited.”
SLOT
Before the pandemic struck, awefilled children could simply queue up and wait their turn to see a Santa, and a busy grotto Father Christmas could easily see up to 50 boys and girls an hour. But to comply with Covid safety rules, all visits to Santa are now by appointment only, with each 10 minute slot comprising of a brief, two minute chat with the child, followed by eight minutes of disinfecting the grotto.
“In this Covid world we now live in, a Santa in a busy department store can only sit six children on his lap per hour,” Drummond added.
A government task force has been set up to look into how more dumbstruck children can be processed through the Santa system, increasing the number of visits and prioritising those with the greatest need to see Father Christmas.
SEWING
“Every child who wants to see a Santa Claus before Christmas will get the opportunity to see one. That is the priority of this government,” said Secretary of State for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport, Nadine Dorries.
“There are many ways to do this, but we will start by rolling out Santa Clauses for the under fives first, then making visits available to over fives by late November and finally the over tens in mid-December,” she told anyone who would listen.
WASHING
There have also been plans to increase the number of venues where open-mouthed children can visit Santa Claus. In addition to traditional department stores and shopping malls, the government is trying out grottos in smaller shops and other retail outlets to provide a walk-in service for overwhelmed children.
SILVER
But that particular experiment has met with mixed results. Trevor Broomshank, who has been a professional Santa for 35 years, told us that this year’s change of venue has been disastrous.
“I usually see hundreds of kiddies every day when I’m at the Arndale centre, or in the toy department of John Lewis,” he told The Grocer magazine. “But this year my grotto was set up in the foyer of Screwfix on the local trading estate.”
“I only saw half a dozen kids on the first Saturday in December. And two of those were sixteen year-old lads who were just larking about,” he said.
And Herbert Pocket, who made a Santa appointment for his three yearold son, was astonished to find that the grotto he had been sent to was in an Ann Summers shop. “I think it was a totally inappropriate venue for a visit to Father Christmas,” he complained.
“We were waiting for my son’s turn to see Santa, surrounded by models wearing peep-hole bras and split crotch knickers. The tot was asking some very difficult questions. What should have been a magical experience was completely spoiled,” said Mr Pocket.
“Once again, this government just hasn’t thought it through,” he added.