EASY AS SLEIGH, B, C!

Remembering Santa’s Reindeer…

SOME things are as certain as the rising of the Sun in the morning, the ebbing and flowing of the tide, and the shitting of bears in the woods. And for the department store Santa, it’s a certainty that each year, some snotty-nosed, know-it-all little kid will claim that if you are the real Santa Claus, you will be able to name all your nine reindeer. A jolly “Ho! Ho! Ho!” and asking them what they want for Christmas will cut no ice with these obnoxious little shits who want to see you squirm, and nothing less than all nine names tripped effortlessly off the tongue will shut the little fuckers up.

But who has got the time to learn the names of these magic, flying ungulates? Nobody. And luckily you don’t need to, because if you are working this Christmas as a department store Santa, here’s a handy word association system which will help you remember them all.

RUDOLPH He is the most famous of Santa’s reindeer, and even has his own song. If you can’t remember this one, you really should ask yourself if you are in the right game. RUDOLPH – Rudolph Hess, deputy to the nazi Führer who fled to Scotland during WWII – that war featured a bombing campaign called the Blitz = BLITZEN.

BLITZEN Zen, a type of Buddhism – Buddhism is a religion – religions worship God – God’s minions are angels – the most famous of angels = CUPID.

CUPID was a little, fat baby with a bow and arrow – an arrow is a projectile – projectile vomit = COMET.

COMET The Comets were rocker Bill Haley’s backing band – Haley was a Singer – another singer was Neil Sedaka – Sedaka had a famous hit called Oh! Carol! – Carol is a girl’s name – another girl’s name is Donna = DONNER. DONNER Drop one N to get Doner – Doner kebab – kebabs are only eaten on a Saturday night – Saturday night is when Strictly is on the telly – Strictly features dancers = DANCER. DANCER rhymes with prancer = PRANCER.

PRANCER rhymes with dancer (make sure you don’t get in a loop) – Tina Turner had a hit with a song called Private Dancer – Private Dancers perform for men interested in sex – other men interested in sex are Furries who have erotic desires for anthropomorphic animals, so may be attracted to a woman dressed up as a sexy female fox – a female fox = VIXEN.

VIXEN rhymes with Dixon – Dixon of Dock Green was a mild mannered police officer who got killed in the film The Blue Lamp (1950) but was resurrected for a long running BBC TV series – the character who killed him in the film was played by Dirk Bogarde – Bogarde was also in a film called The Damned (1969) – The Damned were a punk band fronted by Captain Sensible – Captain is a rank in the Royal Navy – one of the navy’s fleet is the Archer-class P2000 patrol and training vessel HMS Dasher = DASHER!

DASHER. And there’s all nine of the fuckers.

NEXT YEAR: How to remember all the presents from that fucking awful Twelve Days of Christmas song.