ROD FOR A DAY

WE’VE ALL WONDERED WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO BE A ROD FOR A DAY, AND OUR ELECTED MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT ARE NO DIFFERENT. THAT’S WHY WE ROUNDED UP FOUR OF OUR ALL-TIME FAVOURITE POLITICAL BIGWIGS AND ASKED THEM ONE SIMPLE QUESTION, COMPRISED OF THREE COMPONENT PARTS: IF YOU COULD BE ANY ROD FOR A DAY, WHAT ROD WOULD YOU BE, WHY WOULD YOU BE IT, AND WHAT EXACTLY WOULD YOU DO WHILE YOU WERE THAT Rod For A Day?

Stephen Pound, former MP for Ealing North

I’m hung like a shire horse, so I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have an incredibly small penis. For that reason, if I could be any RodForA Day, I’d be outspoken Spectator columnist ROD LIDDLE. I’d spend my entire 24 hours as Rod marvelling at my newfound microscopic cock, which – if cruel and unsubstantiated rumours are true – is the size of a triple-A battery, even on the bonk. Within a few hours, however, my initial fascination would no doubt have turned to shame and despair, and I’d be doubly glad when the clock struck midnight and my own gargantuan tackle magically reappeared.

Matt Hancock, former Health Secretary

I’m constantly getting hassled by journalists who ask me difficult questions about the many fuck-witted things I’ve done in my career. I’d love to find a way to sidestep these nosy interviewers, which is why, if I could be any

Rod For A Day ,I’dbe ROD HULL. That way, any time some snooping hack stuck a microphone under my nose, I could simply throttle him and then grab him by the bollocks with my iconic ‘Emu’ hand puppet, safe in the knowledge that the public would find it hilarious, and I wouldn’t have to answer the question. I’d do this a few times throughout the day, and then I’d thank Emu for his help by awarding him a £30 million government contract for something to do with Covid.

Chris Grayling, former Transport Secretary

I love all forms of locomotive transportation, so if I could be any Rod For

ADay , I think I’d be Scotch rocker-turned-model railway enthusiast ROD STEWART. I’d have a wonderful morning and afternoon, playing around with Rod’s extensive miniature train sets. By early evening, though, I would probably have attempted a cack-handed ‘timetable revamp’, which would inevitably lead to strikes, delays and disruption to services, costing the fictional inhabitants of Rod’s model village billions of pounds in taxes. Yet again, I would be forced to resign for ‘serial failure and routine incompetence’, leaving the entire model train network in a chaotic shambles for Rod himself to deal with once he returned to his own body.

Geoffrey Cox, former full time MP

I would be BLACK ROD from the House of Commons, because he only has to go into work one day a year for the State Opening of Parliament, and that would suit me down to the ground. In fact, it’s not even half a day. He only has to walk slowly from the Lords Chamber through the Central Lobby to the Commons Chamber and bang three times on the door with his stick. Ten minutes, tops. And if I quickened the pace up, I could be done in five and be back on the plane to the British Virgin Islands to serve my constituents. In fact, if I could be Black Rod on any one of the other 364 days of the year, then that would be even better as I wouldn’t have to go in at all.