The Conspiracy Theorist
DID YOU KNOW that the apollo astronauts never set foot on the moon despite photographs showing they clearly did? Did you know that far from dying in 1979, Elvis Presley is still alive and well and living in scotland? And did you know that the 9/11 attacks were actually organised by US President George Bush in order to spark a war with Iraq and secure a pipeline deal for Dick Cheney’s Halliburton group? No? Well you do now. And it’s all thanks to the tireless work of conspiracy theorists.
Many people believe that conspiracy theories are simply lunatic ideas dreamed up and perpetuated by crackpots with little grip on reality. But if you take the trouble to examine the evidence in plain sight, it is clear we live in a world where many people are trying to deceive us to further their own ends. Why should we believe a viroloigist who says a vaccine is effective against a virus simply because they have thirty years experience and have tested it rigorously? Perhaps they have an ulterior motive in getting us to inject their death serums into our arms. Perhaps they actually do contain microchips which track our every movement. Conspiracy theorists force us to question what we believe to be the case, and as such they are vital tools in getting to the truth.
But how do their theories come about? How do they start one? And how do they promulgate it so that it becomes accepted as gospel truth by everyone wearing a MAGA hat? Here’s a step-by-step guide to how the Conspiracy Theorist operates…
1 THE FIRST STEP in developing a new conspiracy theory is to think about something that almost everyone accepts as truth. For instance, there is only ONE Queen Elizabeth II. That is so obviously a fact that it would seem madness to even question it. But do we know that for sure? Human beings are blessed with inquisitive minds which seek the truth. Why should we believe something simply because everyone else believes it? Could there not actually be two Queens? Or three? How do we know that they have not cloned her majesty not once, but twice, and that our country is being ruled by the actual monarch, aided by two replicants?
2 THE SKELETON of your conspiracy is formed. But just like in the scientific realm, it is initially merely a loose hypothesis; in order for it to become a theory you will have to provide solid evidence to back it up. For scientists, this step involves years of painstaking research and experimentation, followed by a rigorous process of peer review and reassessment. Fortunately, the burden of proof for the Conspiracy Theorist is far lower. A blurred photograph of the Queen with two women of similar height alongside her is evidence enough. As is the testimony of a man in the pub who says he knows for a fact that the Queen once opened a supermarket in Aberdeen at exactly the same time as she was Trooping the Colour in London.
3 YOUR THEORY now backed up by irrefutible photographic proof - is complete, and you are ready to let the world know the truth. Just a few years ago, this would have been done by writing to the newspaper, or standing on the corner of your local high street with a placard, handing out flyers whilst being kicked up the arse by schoolboys. But today, social media has made the dissemination of information as quick as the speed on an electron. With a click of your mouse, the world can instantaneously know that the United Kingdom has three Queen Elizabeth IIs.
4 HOWEVER, it’s likely that you are still building up your Twitter following, so your theory will probably only have been read by four or five people. So it is important to send it to the right channel, to someone who will not only see the truth in what you say, but who has an online following in the hundreds of thousands. Until recently, sending it to Donald Trump was a guarantee of your theory becoming fact, but unfortunately he was removed from Twitter under instruction from the CIA who are in the pay of Barack Obama. Fortunately, you are still spoilt for choice. Clear thinkers like Laurence Fox, Julia Hartley-Brewer, Alex Jones and Right Said Fred are good conduits to get the truth out to the masses.
5 THE WHOLE world has now heard about Britain’s three Queens. The truth is like a juggernaut; once it builds up momentum, nothing can stop it, so you may think you are home and dry. But this is the most dangerous time for a newly minted conspiracy theory. There are many people who have a vested interest in keeping the fact that there are three Queens secret, and they will stop at nothing to silence you. ‘Woke’ comedians will crack feeble jokes at your expense, and left-wing columnists will mock your theory in their tawdry newspaper columns in the mainstream media. Their first line of attack will be to attempt to discredit you and your fellow believers, claiming that other causes you espouse - like the earth being flat, or that they’ve found a cure for cancer that costs pennies but the drug companies are suppressing it - are somehow proof that you are mentally deranged.
6 WHEN IT’S CLEAR to all that you are an intelligent, clear thinker, they will turn their attention to discrediting your theory itself. They will use facts, figures and verifiable evidence as so-called ‘proof’ to support their position that there is just one Queen Elizabeth. You could bring in more evidence if you wish - for example, more blurred photographs, contradictory Royal engagement lists found on the internet, further evidence from the man in the pub. But remember, you do not need to counter their arguments. The burden of proof is upon them to demonstrate that there is just a single Her Majesty the Queen, which they know they cannot do. Because there are three.
7 THE TRUTH is now too widespread to ignore, and everyone else who has a conspiracy theory of their own will now believe yours. Reciprocally, you must sign up to every one of their theories, no matter how crackpot they may appear at first. If you think about it for just one second, it’s obvious; their apparent unlikelihood simply makes them all the more credible. Everything - from the fact that Denver Airport stands above a secret underground city and pipe-smoking former PM Harold Wilson was a KGB agent, to the attempted murder of Pakistani female education activist Malala Yousafzai which was organised by her father and carried out by actor Robert de Niro - must not only be believed, it must be linked. The Conspiracy Theorist Brother and Sisterhood has strength in numbers and together we will get the truth out there.