A TSAR IS BORN
Diplomatic role for fave Corrie milquetoast
BORIS Johnson has announced that all token half-arsed criticism of China's human rights record will now be outsourced to Mavis Wilton off Coronation Street.
The fictional corner shop worker will become be the government's first official Toothless Criticism Tsar, with duties to include giggling nervously while looking at the ground and getting in a quiet huff with autocrats and dictators.
FACE DOWN
According to a government spokesperson, former Kabin shop assistant Mavis has all the qualities necessary to face down the Beijing regime. “Mavis ticks all the boxes,” he told us. “The combination of cowering subservience, an inability to criticise, and long-winded, polite requests that sound like apologies, means that she will be the complete pushover the British government needs her to be in Anglo-Chinese negotiations.”
Fictional stationery salesman Derek Wilton’s former on-screen wife fought off stiff competition for the high-powered role from Dad’s Army’s mild-mannered Sergeant Wilson, Are You Being Served middle-manager Mr Rumbold and EastEnders pushover Lofty Holloway.
According to the government source, the Chinese hardliners are in for a tough time when negotiations open. “Timid Mavis won't mince her words when it comes to making a statement that is supposed to sound tough, but somehow comes out like a compliment,” he said.
Chinese ambassador Zheng Zeguang yesterday warned fictional TV soap characters not to meddle in his government’s affairs. But a planned visit to Weatherfield from China's trade commisioner to cement a deal providing butter and tomato sauce to Roy Cropper’s Roy’s Rolls Cafe was cancelled without warning last night, hinting that the appointment of the Kabin sales assistant, once wooed by Victor Pendlebury, has rattled the superpower.
HANDS UP
The actor who plays mouse-like Mavis was last night unavailable for comment as she was away on 3-day trip to Syria, where she has been giving President Assad a telling off over his questionable human rights record by drinking half a lager and lime whilst tutting quietly.