HEY! GOOD LOOKING
Dad banned from school run because he’s too handsome
ATTRACTIVE people are traditionally said to be ‘blessed’ with good looks. But could ‘cursed’ be a better way to describe their situation? For one drop-dead handsome Solihull man, the answer is a cut and dried ‘yes.’
45-year-old Terry Freeview is living proof that being a highly attractive hunk can be a source of abject misery. And the former part-time wheelie-bin cleaning operative believes he has been BANNED from taking and picking up his daughter from school... and all because his potent blend of smouldering good looks and easy going charm were too much of a distraction for the mums at the school gates.
Speaking from the living room window of his bachelor pad bedsit, recovering alcoholic Freeview told reporters that he had received a letter from the headmistress of his daughter’s school asking him not to approach any of the mums at the school gates. And Terry believes the reason for the ban is because he is drop-dead gorgeous.
“I know traditionally it’s women who pick the kids up from school but I am unashamedly a feminist, and am only too keen to share all household
duties, regardless of outdated gender stereotypes,” Terry told the Dorridge and Bentley Heath Inquisitor.
“Besides which I was never able to do the school run with any of my other kids due to being estranged from their rat-bag mothers,” he added.
SCHOOL WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
The self proclaimed ‘Best Dad Ever’ started taking his daughter, 7-year-old Chelsea, to school at the beginning of term and things started positively enough.
“After good health, nothing is more important to me than education, and I was keen to do my bit by walking my daughter the half-mile to school each morning,” he said. “I looked on it as an important bit of precious father and daughter time.”
“Plus, it’s one of the things they let you out of the house to do when you’re wearing an ankle tag.”
And it wasn’t long before Freeview’s clinically obese presence started making waves at his daughter’s school gates.
“I’ve always had a way with the ladies, being what some might call an Adonis,” he told the paper. “So I guess it was inevitable that when I rocked up at the school in my vest and tracky bottoms, I was going to set a few pulses racing. It’s nature.”
“My sweaty, brooding essence, coupled with my shoulder length hair, which is naturally oily and thinning in a masculine way, make me cat-nip for the local milfs,” he confessed. “It’s not something I can control.”
“Putting a hunk like me amidst all those yummy-mummies was always going to be like throwing a string of sausages to a pack of starving, sex-crazed animals.”
THEY LOVE ME, YEAH YEAH YEAH
At first things went well, and on the occasions when Freeview managed to get up in time to deliver Chelsea to the school gates, he made every effort to fit in with the other kids’ mums.
“I like to be friendly and I’ve always believed in the psychological benefits that can be derived from a smile and a warm hello,” he told the paper. “So I would target some of the younger, thinner, mums and do my bit to cheer them up with a few cheeky remarks, risqué jokes and lewd suggestions.”
“It was like Beatle-mania, with me as John, Paul, George and Ringo all rolled into one.”
“As I’m sure you can imagine, this went down incredibly well.”
According to thrice-bankrupt Freeview, the trouble was his interactions with the mothers in the schoolyard went down rather too well.
“You’ve got to believe me when I say this, I wasn’t trying to break any hearts, but my raw animal magnetism clearly caused a stir amongst these red-blooded, nookie-mad females,” he ventured. “They couldn’t help themselves.”
“It was like Beatle-mania, with me as John, Paul, George and Ringo all rolled into one. Believe me, I’m not being big headed or anything when I say this, but whenever I strolled into the playground in a cloud of manly pheromones, I could feel the tension in the air as all those randy mums tried desperately to control themselves whilst in my company.”
“It got so bad that lots of them tried to distance themselves from me by standing at the far end of the sports field. It was their futile attempt to quell the white-hot desire that I had clearly ignited within their collective nether regions,” chronic halitosis sufferer Freeview said.
SCHOOL’S OUT FOREVER
And he believes that the warning letter from the headmistress came at the request of a group of mums to whom he would regularly chat at the school gates. “They were a really fit bunch, and every time I arrived, the conversation would immediately become fruity and sexually charged,” he said. I can’t help flirting. It’s just the way I am.”
“I could tell that they were desperate to throw themselves at me; what red-blooded woman wouldn’t be? But they were all married women, and they obviously didn’t trust themselves when I was in the neighbourhood, so they asked the headmistress to save them from themselves.”
Freeview considered the head’s warning letter was not legally binding, and carried on with the important job of getting his daughter to and from school each day, when he remembered, and chatting with the mums. But when he was contacted by West Midlands police and served
with a restraining order preventing him from being within 300 yards of the gates, he realised that the school had upped the ante.
“You could have knocked me down with a feather,” he confessed. “When the order was served, I naturally assumed it was related to unpaid child maintenance as usual.”
“When I saw it was actually due to the erotic effect I was having on the female parents I couldn’t believe it. Since when is being impossibly attractive a crime? I’m clearly being victimised for my raw sex-appeal.”
Since receiving the order, Freeview has been forced to lie in bed smoking and watching horse racing on the tv while his estranged wife Janice takes on the responsibility of doing the twice-daily school run.
“The trauma of this whole episode has drained me of all faith in the system and has left me unfit to continue in my search for employment,” he said. “And I’ve a doctor’s note to back that up.”
And although he has lived with the curse of sexy good looks and animal magnetism all his adult life, leading to him being the subject of several restraining orders and criminal convictions, Freeview remains cautiously optimistic about the future. “I can only hope that one day we will all live to see more enlightened times, when a man’s rampant sexual allure isn’t the burden that mine has proven to be,” he said.
“Since when is being attractive a crime? I’m clearly being victimised for my raw sex-appeal.”