Roger’s PROFANISAURUS

A New Year Update from Britain’s Favourite Lexicon of Filth and Profanity

Andrea Leadsom has tabled an amendment exclam. Announcement that something stinks and a lot of cleaning up will shortly be required. black country gateau euph. The back alley leavings of a Dudley-based vagrant. bog croc n. Enormous and girthsome Thora which lies full-length along the pan with only the tip of its nostrils above water. Distinguishable from the smaller bog gator by the visible sweetcorn teeth in its lower jaw. bookwanker n. Someone who disparages film or TV adaptations because they are not exactly the same as their source material. ‘Well actually, I think you’ll find that in the books Tyrion loses his whole nose at the Battle of the Blackwater.’ ‘Have you ever known the touch of a lover, you bookwanker?’ brofession n. Career or occupation that appears - despite the Equality Act - to remain the privileged preserve of the male of the species. For example, bin man, tarmac layer, fighting dog trainer, Chancellor of the Exchequer. butterfly n. A pink admiral with widely spread wings. campshite n. An endearingly back-to-basics UK camping facility which provides hardy staycationers with a nostalgic time-travel experience of the 1970s; a windswept field with rudimentary toilet and washing facilities surrounded by a muddy swamp. craptocurrency 1. n. Sound, bitcoin-like investments advertised via Frankie sites and spam email. 2. n. Scottish banknotes tendered south of the border.

Devil’s dustbin n. A lavatory bin overflowing with used Dracula’s teabags. dildo chicken n. A vegetarianfriendly poultry substitute, eg. Quorn, Fricken and so on. Socalled because it “replaces the cock”. e-bagging n. Dangling your scrotal portmanteau in front of a web-cam to virtually tea-bag someone. ‘Today’s birthdays: Alphonso, Earl of Chester, 1273; Bev Bevan, ELO tubthumper, 1944; Sir Ian Botham, e-bagger and UK trade ambassador, 1955.’ facadebook n. A social medium whereby individuals project a misleading image of the person they want to be seen as, rather than the person they actually are. fellatrix flick n. Special skill demonstrated by experienced muck-vid actresses whereby with a rapid, mid-blow-job turn of the head and neck, they ensconce their flowing locks behind one ear to enable unfettered camera access to the action without interrupting their bobbing rhythm. flaccid flashback euph. A thought or mental image that is so utterly disturbing and repugnant by its nature that it immediately turns a chap’s horse’s handbrake into a floppy. ‘What’s the matter, love? Your Charlie’s like a dead budgie.’ ‘Sorry luv. I just had a flaccid flashback of Ann Widdecombe on Strictly.’ frogspawn valdez n. A bathtime tug that is an environmental disaster to clear up. fruit and veg stall, body like a sim. Said of a lady who has firm goods at the front and keeps the saggy stuff hidden round the back.

I’m getting the word… phr. Said in the voice of famed psychic Clinton Baptiste just before a release of erectoplasm from the third eye. it’s all about the notes you don’t play exclam. Sage response to a slow, sparsely orchestrated piece of exit music. just visiting Salisbury Cathedral, I was phr. Paper-thin alibi proffered when a catastrophically noxious substance has recently been deployed. Lego enema, less fun than a sim. Used in reference to something that is superlatively unpleasant, such as the Chicxulub asteroid impact of 66 million years BC, the bubonic plague or Robson & Jerome’s cover version of the Drifters’s Up on the Roof. mortgage eyes n. medic. The discollimated peepers of someone who is rather unhinged. That is, “one eye fixed and one eye variable”. See also wartime searchlights. net zero n. The doomed emergency tactic of attempting to hurriedly breathe in one’s own pungent Exchange & Mart before anyone else can smell it. now you listen to me, and you listen good exclam. Something to be said just before letting one rip, in the style of Jimmy Cagney upbraiding a wiseguy.

Pacific rimjob n. An act of analingus which is disastrously interrupted by a brown monster rising from the depths. pint of mince euph. Scots. Any calorie-infused alcoholic beverage (Heavy, 80 Shilling, Guinness etc.) ‘Bacardi and

Coke, a Fruit Shoot and a pint of mince, barman! And a bag of Quavers for the dog.’ posh drive n. Wearing a Covid facemask whilst driving alone in a vehicle. Analogous to the onanistic act of the posh wank albeit not as hazardous when manoeuvring in traffic. push notification 1. n. On a mobile phone, a message that is “pushed” from a back-end server or application to the user interface. Ah, yes. 2. n. In arsewiping, a nasty, soft sensation felt by the fingers; an unfortunate discovery that the bog roll is a bit saturated and/or on the thin side. quimwear n. Saucily skimpy clothing that covers up the Ts &Cs of beach-bound pieces. Quimwear - as recalled by more seasoned admirers of the female form - was often displayed in the likes of the Freeman’s Catalogue before these modern days of internet scat gangbangs, two girls one cups, tub girls and lemon parties and so on. Your bikinis, microkinis, monokinis, thongs and whathave-you. qui tacet consentire videtur exclam. Lat. Latin parlance meaning “he who is silent is taken to agree”. Stated to a room filled with nonplussed non-classicists before letting go with a fucking ring-ripper. scumpole n. Young offendertype whose impressive working knowledge of criminal law is often successfully put to use in avoiding the legal consequences that may otherwise result from his criminal shenanigans. shagony aunt n. A Mrs Robinson-type older lady who gives comfort to suffering younger men. See also punani granny, silver box, cougar, M&Ms.