Notes & Swearies
with Oxford University Professor of Profane Etymology
Dear Professor Fuck, WHAT DO you call it when someone on the works lavs shitter waits for the hand-driers to go off before parking their breakfast?
Luke Moty Newland, Bristol
• I would refer Mr Newland to page 139 of Roger’s Profanisaurus - War and Piss (shops, Amazon etc), which includes the following definition: “covering fire n. The act of waiting for someone in a public toilet to turn on the taps or hand-driers before defecating in order to conceal the deafening fall of old shoes from the loft that accompanies the release of one’s flock of pigeons.”
shrinkles n. The wrinkles that appear on a penis that has blenched due to extreme cold or from inadvertently looking at photos of Katie Hopkins. See also cockordian. slack handful phr. A generous helping of something that can be grabbed. ‘Wooar, I’ll have a slack handful of that alright, Mother Superior.’ so it begins 1. exclam. In The Lord of The Rings, a foreboding utterance by King Théoden before The Battle of Helms Deep. It says here, and we’re not looking it up. 2. exclam. A foreboding utterance by a bloke as he settles on the crapper the morning after sinking eight pints of Guinness and a mutton Vindaloo. See also hello darkness my old friend. spewsical n. A lengthy, melodious vomiting session following a night on the lash, punctuated by short periods of unintelligible dialogue. stargate 1. n. An Einstein–Rosen wormhole-style portal device that allows practical, rapid travel between two distant locations within the Stargate fictional universe. 2. n. The arsehole.
Surtsey n. When you do a poo so big that it sits comfortably on the bottom of the pan whilst simultaneously breaching the water’s surface. Named after the volcanic island approximately 32 km from the south coast of Iceland, formed in the 1960s by volcanic eruptions. titsophrenia n. psych. A mental condition whereby a gentleman deviates from his habitual state of reason at the sight of a big pair of wobblers. toileteer n. A water closet patron. ‘We were driving along the A303, and not only were my bottom teeth floating but there was also a mole at the counter. So we pulled the Super Snipe
into a local beauty spot car park, only to find the facilities already occupied by fellow toileteers.’ (from The Journals of Sir John Betjeman ).
Topic pregnancy n. medic. Characteristic flabdominal swelling caused by excessive consumption of hazelnut-rich chocolate confectionery.
Tuns Lane interchange 1. n. Roundabout junction on the M4 used to transit between touristic Windsor and the more utilitarian Slough, and thus 2. n. The taint, gooch, Humber Bridge, Tinsley Flyover, Lutonto-Dunstable busway, Potsdamer Platz, switch island etc. waving hello to Judith euph. Engaging in a spot of firkyfoodling with a woman who looks like she’s sitting on Phil Lynott’s shoulders. Named in honour of the hirsutely befannied Life of Brian character. wet signature 1. n. Physically signing a document with a pen and ink as opposed to an electronically like in these modern days. 2. n. The detritus left in one’s underpants following a particularly risky flutter. wetter than a weekend in Wales sim. Claggy in a romantic way. See also wetter than a Tewkesbury doorstep, ~ an otter’s neck, ~ a turfer’s knee, ~ a fat bird’s armpit, ~ Whitney Houston’s last joint, ~ Lee Evans’s suit. willy string n. Sticky substance that sprays everywhere after sufficient shaking. you’ve solved the wall! 1. exclam. Proclamation made by Only Connect’s Victoria Coren-Mitchell when a team of four-eyed strange people solves one of the trickier parts of her high-brow quiz. 2. exclam. Proclamation made by one who has just dropped a particularly foul horned viper through their eye of Horus.