VIZ POSHLIFTING KIT
“Although my family’s net worth is a cool £730 million, it felt politically beneficial to be seen by the proles to be struggling to make ends meet. Thanks to the Viz Poshlifting Kit, I was able to sneak a box of organic polenta and a pack of Bath Olivers out of Fortnums without bothering the cashiers.”
Mr R.S. MP, Yorkshire “Although one doesn’t get out as much as one once did – unless it’s to anything apart from the State Opening of Parliament – when one does venture outside of the castle walls, one has found Viz’s Poshlifting Kit somewhat indispensible. On one’s last outing to Fags and Mags, one managed to conceal a grab-bag of Nice n’ Spicy Nik Naks, a handful of Curly Wurlys and 20 Rothmans in one’s poacher’s pocket while the guy behind the counter was topping up one’s Ostler card.”
Mrs E. II, Windsor “Thanks to the Viz Poshlifting
Kit, I got a dozen oysters and a bottle of Canadian Ice wine from Harrods without having to use my Coutts Platinum Card.”
Lord B., Essex “Although I do the majority of my shopping online, I managed to find a use for my Viz Poshlifting Kit after paying an impromptu visit to one of my company’s fulfilment centres last week. On the way out, after deliberately setting off the fire alarm to clear the building, I filled both pockets with 10,323 multi-coloured paperclips grabbed from the desk at reception. Thanks, Viz!”
Mr J.B., USA
ACOST of living crisis has hit UK shores, bringing record rises in our energy and food bills. To make matters worse, wages have stagnated whilst inflation has hit its highest level since the early 80s. As a result, people from all walks of life are finding it harder than ever to make ends meet, and police are warning of an incoming tsunami of shoplifting, as people resort to extreme measures to feed and clothe their families. And it gets worse, because whilst shoplifting used to be the preserve of the poor, the forthcoming crisis is set to see respectable people being forced into a life of crime.
The spectacle of decent, middle- and upper-class people being forced to shoplift highend goods is one which saddens us all. Of course, the lower classes are traditionally adept at securing themselves an Artful Dodger-style 5-finger discount every time they shop, but to the decent, higher orders, the concept of theft is alien. Unable to shoplift properly, they are likely to go hungry.
And that’s why your big-hearted Viz has put together this exclusive cut-out-and-keep
Poshlifting kit. With its generously-sized Poacher’s Pocket (suitable for wine and game) and handy Provender Pouch (for smaller victuals), the Viz Poshlifting Kit is the perfect way for our betters to get to some pocket purchases from Waitrose, Harrods or Fortnum & Mason.
INSTRUCTIONS
The Viz Poshlifting Kit has been carefully designed to fit inside most sizes of waxed all-weather jackets and tailcoats. Although your Poacher’s Pockets can be used as they are, we highly recommend an extra layer of tape to help adhere them to the lining of your clothes and increase durability.
Simply cut out the two pockets (fig. 1) then, using a glue-stick or sellotape, stick them onto the inner lining of your favourite shopping jacket on the opposite side from your favoured shopping arm (fig. 2). Next, place the fake glove inside the end of your sleeve on your shopping arm side and tape or pin this to the side of your jacket in a nonchalant manner (fig. 3).
Now conceal your shopping arm inside your coat and get your butler to dress you, making sure that a button is undone at waist height to allow your real arm to grab and conceal items with ease, popping them into your Viz Poshlifting Kit’s pockets.
If your coat has a zip, then you may need to cut a slit in it to allow interior-to-exterior passage of your arm once zipped up*.
*Viz cannot be held responsible for
a) any damage to your clothes or person while wearing, or
b) the costs of any legal proceedings or fines incurred as a result of careless use of your Viz Poshlifting Kit.