Roger’s PROFANISAURUS
A Summer Update of Britain’s Favourite Lexicon of Filth and Profanity
air fryer 1. n. Device for making chips that won’t fur up your arteries. 2. n. A highcalorie food’s ghost exorcised from the premises of one who enjoys an unusually high-fat diet.
Alan Sugar’s beard n. A straggly, threadbare fanny, not hugely dissimilar to the one sported by Glenda Jackson in The Music Lovers. A Ho Chi Minge, fufu manchu, minge the merciless.
Amber n. rhym. slang. An excretious deposit or Douglas. See also Amber warning. ‘She was great in the fart sack, vicar. But I couldn’t believe she left a dirty great Amber under the duvet.’
‘ardly n. A somewhat diminutive ball snorkel; one that is “so small it is ’ardly worth mentioning”.
away end n. The anus. Also fifties teatowel holder, freckle, rusty sheriff’s badge etc. ‘That Princess M______ of K___ is a right goer, your majesty. I’m gonna take her up the away end this Saturday.’
bintcoins n. Alternative form of currency; specifically Next vouchers. blowing the sousaphone
euph. Sucking off an obese partner whilst carrying him in a fireman’s lift.
Bombay mix 1. n. Dried, spicy snack. 2. n. What spatters the chod-bin following a beery repast at the Curry Capital, Bigg Market, Newcastle upon Tyne, formerly the Rupali. When it was there, that is, obviously.
brandy dandy n. A chap who sports more logos than an F1 driver at a post-race press conference. budgie’s nostril, fanny like
a sim. A snug and restrictive ladypart. Also miser’s fist, archer’s window, butler’s cuff, mouse’s ear, OJ’s glove, grandad’s coin purse, paper cut, worm’s belt. ‘I tell you, every time she uncrosses her legs, you can see that the honorouble lady’s got a fanny like a budgie’s nostril.’ ‘Order! The prime minister – whoever that might be at the moment – must refrain from such unparliamentary language.’
cock-in-a-box n. Any magical surprise involving an erect penis as the revealed object. Possibly leads to a custodial sentence.
Colgate smile 1. phr. Catchline from the toothpaste advertising campaign of the 1970s. 2. n. Giving one’s Herman gelmet a cheeky little rub with something minty prior to brushing the au pair’s teeth.
combat jack euph. US. milit. Marines Corps slang describing a wank in a warzone, and thus 2. euph. Any risky workplace act of monomanual self delight. ‘Sorry, you caught me in the middle of a combat jack there.
Anyway, here’s Darren Bett with the weather.’
cunt fruit n. A baby or small child. Also fanny apple. ‘How was the party? Any fitties?’ ‘Jimmy’s sister was there, but as usual she brought her cunt fruit.’ ‘Who brings their cunt fruit to a party?’
Desmond Three-Three n. prop. A Tommy Top-It; one who always feels the need to go one better than everyone else. See also Elevenerife, four ball Paul.
desperate Dan n. A stubbly cow pie covered in spots that gives the impression it has been shaved with a blowtorch.
digital download 1. n. Electronic means of acquiring a document, file or software package. 2. n. Using the fingertips to dislodge a stubborn nugget of feeshus when cleaning out your recycle bin. See also last Malteser in the packet, Linda Bellingham’s fingertips, mechanic’s nails. dirty song but someone’s got to sing it, it’s a 1. phr. Lyric from the Faith No More song We Care A Lot. 2. exclam. Witticism after dropping a rather tuneful hat.
download the brownload v. To excretiate. ‘Where’ve you put the Exchange and Mart, nan? I’m off to download the brownload.’
fudge factor five euph. The state of sitting on a shire horse’s head. godshite n. Religious carryings-on. ‘And now it’s time for some godshite with Jess Yates in Stars on Sunday.’ hard of beering euph. Collective hearing disorder whereby groups of increasingly inebriated pub-goers gradually raise the level of their discourse throughout the evening until everyone in the gaff is yelling as loudly as possible in order to be heard over the fucking din.
icun n. One who is held in more or less universal low esteem yet still manages to retain a high profile in the media. An icon of cuntishness. ‘And on Celebrity Naked Attraction tonight. TV icuns Piers Morgan and Jeremy Kyle will be checking out ladies’ fannies.’
inch-high private eye 1. n. prop. A diminutive cartoon private dick of the 1970s. 2. n. A beef bayonet of laughably small proportions.
I’ve got the hob on exclam. Said of a painfully hot ring experienced the morning after spending the night getting comprehensively shitfaced.
ladies’ bridge 1. n. A nickname for the Waterloo Bridge, which links London’s posh theatreland with the more artsy and outre South Bank across the Thames.
2. n. Accordingly, the taint, Humber Bridge, Baker Street concourse, Tinsley Flyover, Luton-to-Dunstable busway, Potsdamer Platz, Joy Division, stinky Mervin etc. library of congress n. A
fellow’s complete bedtime repertoire.
lonely Sanchez n. A finger inserted up the rusty bullet hole and then wiped under the nose whilst alone.
long hard think n. Bout of self-help performed without recourse to visual stimuli. See also pipe dream, frigment of the imagination. ‘I’m going to go away and have a long hard think about that, your majesty.’
looking at tractors euph. Viewing internet grumble in the workplace. ‘Neil doesn’t work here any more. He was caught looking at tractors.’
Mexican breakfast 1. n. A protein-rich dish such as huevos rancheros, combining eggs in a tomato sauce. 2. euph. Dining at the Y during rag week. See also take communion, pasata grin,Ipswich smile, red nose day, fish on Friday.
miss a gear, Davros? exclam. interrog. Humorous response to a short, rasping Spanish lullaby emitted during locomotion.
music of the night n. Drunken snoring, belching and farting by a bloke who’s been on the ale all evening.
operation mincemeat 1. n. Wartime Secret Service plan to float a dead Harold Ramp into Portugal. 2. n. Covert 2am visit to the biscuit wrapper following a night of heavy refreshment and catbabs. See also Bonanza, arse like the start of.
Peniscola 1. n. Town on the East coast of Spain, famed for its 13th century castle, picturesque old town and sandy beaches. 2. n. Fizzy spunk.
prattle cruiser n. Large, slowmoving motor vehicle containing a wrinkled couple who talk blathering crap to each other, blissfully unaware of the miles of traffic stuck behind them.
Prince Andrew n. prop. Honorary title bestowed upon a supplementary backfire delivered after the benefactor has exclaimed, “Let’s try that again, shall we?” with the expectation that the room will rise as one to greet its arrival.
pubism n. Artistic movement of the 1970s, exhibited through publications such as Men Only, Fiesta and Knave, that depicted ladygardens in a variety of more or less geometric shapes; typically the triangle, but occasionally a window cleaner’s sponge or Brian Blessed’s chin.
pump and dump 1. n. In finance, a manipulative scheme that attempts to boost the price of a stock or security through fake recommendation. 2. n. A fuck followed by a nice big shit.
pyramid stage n. Glastonbury performance area that resembles a trapezoidal monument. A bit. 2. n. Phase of sleep during which a fellow’s pyjama crotch resembles an ancient Egyptian epitaph. rebellyon n. When a person’s digestive system violently disagrees with the previous evening’s choice of food or beverage, typically resulting in a mutinous stampede for the exits. ring bling n. medic. Oversized, ornamental decorations of the nipsy. Farmers, Keith Floyds, chuckle grapes, Rockfords, Steinbecks, arse chimes, four minute miles, Kurts, Bernards, Michaels etc. scamborghini n. A doles Royce parked up outside Wetherspoons. scud marks n. Chalky residue left on a young onanist’s underchunders after a large release of gentlemen’s relish. shight-seeing n. Enjoying a whistle-stop tour of a provincial northern town. sidesplitter 1. n. A joke that makes you laugh immoderately. 2. n. A feeshus of such girth that it feels like you’re being torn asunder. Also splitter cable, Jack the ripper, knot splitter. splash & dash 1. phr. No-longerused Formula 1 term signifying a late pit-stop for a car requiring a tot of additional fuel. 2. n. Shooting your muck over or up a casual acquaintance before exiting as fast as humanly possible to avoid conversation and/or cuddling.
SSR abbrev. Sound, Smell and Residue. Useful threefactor scale for assessing how embarrassing a sit-down lavatory adventure will be when in a confined and sensitive situation, such as in a hotel room with a ladyfriend, on an aeroplane or train, or being in a very small workplace with only one khazi. suck my Northern exclam. rhym. slang. A dismissive announcement. From Northern Rock, the now defunct bank. Unless they’re still going.
Thelonius junk n. US. What a jazz fan might nickname big Jim and the twins. tit kit n. The depth of Bristol channel necessary to successfully bring a gentleman off. Doesn’t have to be that deep, obviously. ‘The vicar was delighted to see that his blind date had all the tit kit required for the night ahead.’ toilet cluedo euph. Entertaining mystery game of poodunnit for several people in a large house, after an unpleasant length of rope or lead piping has desecrated the pot and the guilty party must be determined, arrested, and quite possibly imprisoned. turtle’s shoulders euph. The point of no return, lavatorially speaking. ‘Hey Gary, pass the ball!’ ‘I can’t. I’ve got the turtle’s sh-sh-shoulders. Aw bollocks.’ twaxi n. A cab being driven in a selfish and twattish manner; that is to say, more or less all of them. vulvo euph. What the Swedes call a car that is a fanny magnet. well, that’s your breakfast sorted exclam. Said at the end of a highly romantic sexual encounter, after a gentleman provides his inamorata with a highly nourishing protein shake in bed. ‘Well, that’s your breakfast sorted, love. How about nipping down the kitchen to knock me up some bacon and eggs?’ willically challenged euph. Descriptive of a chap who wishes that centimetres were inches in the trouser department. Normally rocks up serenaded by overcompensatory exhaust noise. windmills on a Dutch painting, that could start the exclam. Said to the deliverer of a particularly violent Exchange and Mart. wine, having a glass of euph. A discreet reference to someone sucking someone else off. ‘The Northern Ireland Secretary walked in the office without knocking and inadvertently caught them having a glass of wine.’