HAMPTON DOUBLEDAY

IN YOUR last issue, Mr Kevin Caswell-Jones postulated that were he the Invisible Man, he would have no greater pleasure than to produce a number two in a crowded place just to see the surprise on the faces of shoppers at the sight of his putrid log appearing out of thin air. However, this assumes that his faecal matter would lose its invisibility as it left his body, and I can see no scientific basis for his belief. It is surely equally likely that it would maintain its unseen form and the mysterious smell coming from nowhere would lead to even greater confusion. I feel that the government would be best advised into looking into this as a matter of some urgency.

Victor Micesnot, email

WHY IS there no way of reciprocating the kind “thank-you for shopping at…” message after I pay for my groceries at a supermarket selfservice checkout? Not being given the opportunity to say, “you’re welcome,” or display a gesture of similar courtesy is indicative of where we’re at as a nation.

Farquar Bismarck, Hackney

DOGS APPARENTLY have a sense of smell that is hundreds of times more powerful than that of humans. Given that humans generally find the smell of dog shit stomach-turning, you’d have thought that dogs would find it a hundred times as repulsive as we do. But they can’t fucking get enough of it. If SuperVet Noel Fitzpatrick ever got round to explaining that one on his animal telly shows, I must have missed it.

Callum, Willesden

MY MISSUS says “baked beans”. Not just beans but baked beans. What a tit she is.

Paul Emerson, Cleethorpes

I HAVE mixed feelings about ‘bathroom’ air fresheners. I find the skilful blending of bergamot and Madagascan vanilla top notes, with rose and clove middle or heart notes, is invariably overwhelmed by the bottom note of shit.

Dave, Cape Cod