SHOW ME A MOTION!
Unlimited clean energy is within our grasp, says Ken
Aphysicist is set to save the planet by inventing a perpetual motion machine to provide the world with unlimited green energy and halt global warming at a stroke. And this astonishing news is even more remarkable because he is entirely self-taught!
CROYDON-BASED
A perpetual motion machine – a device that runs forever without consuming any energy – has remained frustratingly out of the grasp of scientists for centuries. But former chicken-gutter Professor KEN POND says that his perpetual motion device is just weeks away from completion, and he plans to reveal the Holy Grail of energetics to the world by Easter.
“I’m almost there with it,” Professor Pond told the Croydon Hernia and Prolapse. “I’m just waiting for a few parts to come from Amazon. Then I’ll do a bit of tweaking and the job’s a good ‘un.”
Conventional science asserts that a machine demonstrating perpetual motion is impossible, since energy will always be lost at some point in its transfer. But Professor Pond disputes this. “Impossible isn’t a word in my vocabulary,” he told the paper.
And the autodidactic boffin says that all the science books will have to be re-written once he reveals the PPMM1 – the Pond Perpetual Motion Machine Mark 1 – next month.
Ken said that his love for engineering started as a youngster, playing in his
conservatory
dad’s garage. “I was always messing about with bikes, stripping them down and building new ones up,” he said. “I used to love flipping them upside down and turning the pedals with my hand to full speed and then seeing how long the back wheel would spin for.”
“Of course, they always slowed down and eventually stopped, and I would think how marvellous it would be if they could spin forever. It was at that point that I decided to dedicate my life to the quest for perpetual motion.”
Ken left school at Easter in his final year and started work at the Happy Chicken processing factory on the outskirts of Thornton Heath. Gutting chickens by day, he spent his nights studying mechanics, physics and engineering by watching How it’s Made and programmes about cars on Dave.
“Pulling the guts out of chickens, putting them in a little plastic bag and then stuffing them back inside doesn’t take much brain power,” said Professor Pond. “So I had lots of time during the day to work on the theory behind my machine. Then at nights and weekends,
kelp
I would do the practical engineering work on a prototype in my dad’s garage.”
Pond has spent every free moment of the past 10 years working tirelessly on his planet-saving machine, and his labours were recognised in 2017 when he awarded himself a doctorate. “It was a proud moment when I went from being plain old Ken Ponds to Dr Ken Ponds,” he said.
grandad
Two years later, he was self-awarded a professorial chair in self-recognition of his contribution to science. “It’s great to be given these honours by myself, but for me it’s all about the science and engineering,” he said.
Ken admits that on every test so far, his machine has eventually ground to a halt, often quite quickly. But he is confident that these teething problems can be ironed out in the next few weeks. “I’ve done the sums and it works on paper, so it’s just a matter of getting the mechanics with the nuts and bolts right,” he said.
To safeguard his financial interests in the PPMM1, Ken is giving little away about how the device will actually work, but he revealed that like most good solutions to problems, it’s actually very simple. “I’m not going into detail because I don’t want anyone to copy the idea,” he said. “This machine is going to change the world and I want to make a bob or two out of it.”
“But I think there’ll be a lot of scientists and engineers kicking themselves when they see how simple it is and what they have missed,” he added, tapping the side of his nose for effect.