Oger’s PROFANISAURUS
An Update of Britain’s Favourite Lexicon of Filth and Profanity
to whistling down the Y-fronts, spoken in the style of erstwhile Sky football commentator Martin Tyler. anything further from the prosecution? exclam. Asked of a party who has, in the words of Geoffrey Chaucer, “let fly a great fart, the like of a thunderdent”. Whatever a thunderdent is. baptising Mr Brown n. Futile attempts to flush away a particularly recalcitrant arse baby that shows no signs of budging.
Bic arse euph. Lavatory adventure postscript in which drawing an ace proves impossible, as the brown ink refuses to run out. bowel buddies n. Two people who work in the same building who only know each other due to always having their morning Donald in adjacent cubicles at exactly the same time each day. bum-roll 1. n. Toilet tissue, arsewad. 2. n. A rumbling Lionel Bart which builds up anticipation and tension preceding the imminent arrival of a Peter O’Toole. Followed by a splash. but there’s a ‘U’ in ‘cunt’ exclam. Correct response to the office twat who, fresh from a round of managerial buzzword bingo, comes out with “there’s no ‘I’ in ‘team’…” cananza n. A veritable feast of tin-based supping at home. A housebound Leo Sayer. ‘I’m not gannin’ oot the day, like. Just having meself a cananza in the hoose, Camilla.’ cat flap, fanny like a sim. Said of a notably fecund woman. ‘That Queen Victoria had nine kids in seventeen years, you know, vicar.’ ‘Christ, she must of had a fanny like a fucking cat flap.’ charge sheet, the n. In a marriage, the seemingly endless list of misdemeanours committed by the husband. cockbuster n. Said of a bigboned lady who, whilst engaging enthusiastically in a reverse cowgirl or similar ambitious manoeuvre, manages to snap her partner’s knob. cribbage n. Doing someone up the wrong ‘un with a phallic object; pegging. From the traditional maiden-auntfriendly game’s traditional scoring system. doom box n. Any wireless when tuned in to The Today Programme or PM. down the dustpipe 1. n. Title of a 1970 Status Quo single that reached number twelve in the hit parade; the first record to feature the band’s soon-tobe-trademark boogie shuffle. 2. euph. Up the arse. fartive adj. To behave in a stealthy manner designed specifically to avoid the detection of one’s dropped guts by others. follow-on 1. v. In the game of cricket, a team who batted second and scored significantly fewer runs than the team who batted first may be forced to follow-on; to take their second innings immediately after their first. 2. n. To have two consecutive and separate visits to the toilet where you need a number two, with no visits to just have a wazz in between. Freddie Frinton, a euph. A gentleman’s night to himself, whereby he can imbibe any substance that takes his fancy, free from judgement, ridicule or a police investigation. Named after the largely
I WAS watching the England-Nigeria game this morning when I heard a commentator say, of the England goalkeeper Mary Earps, “She won’t want any balls in her box.” I was so disgusted at this image that I vomited all over my cornflakes.
Dominic Twose, Email
“AFTER that a beautiful stiff release in the morning…” announced BBC 6Music’s Lauren Laverne on November 21st. Shame on her. Jimmy Young wouldn’t have come out with that sort of potty-mouthed filth. Foot, radio, bill etc.
Mr Palfrey, Yeovil forgotten comedian. (Except by the Germans who inexplicably watch the late comic’s humour-free slapstick sketch Dinner for One every New Year’s Eve. Incidentally, if you watch it on Youtube, correct us if we’re wrong here, but the off-colour punchline appears to be that the pissed butler’s going to go upstairs and fuck the old lady.) gas baby n. A fart. ‘Contractions started at the end of Sunday dinner, and after a difficult labour Brian gave birth to a healthy gas baby. We wish him and his partner well as they begin this exciting new chapter in their lives.’ gazebo n. A substantial
erection in the garden. go contactless euph. To have a shite whilst hovering above a piss-coated toilet seat. heat pump 1. n. New fangled device for warming the home economically that costs about fifteen grand to fit. 2. n. Long, drawn out, high temperature trouser trumpetry due to overdoing the chicken vindaloo the night before. holesale n. A generous discount
offered by a lady of the night. I’m sorry, I didn’t quite get that 1. exclam. Response from Alexa devices when the electronic voice assistant has failed to comprehend what has been said. 2. exclam. Witty rejoinder following an audible windypop or bum chime.
Jim Bowen’s glasses, as thick as sim. Disparaging assessment of a person’s intelligence. A reference to the powerfully bespectacled late Bullseye host/deputy headmaster. Also thick as a bull’s dick, thick as Norfolk pig shit, thick as a ghurka’s foreskin etc. ‘I tell you what, that Piers Morgan is as thick as Jim Bowen’s glasses.’ kalashnicock n. Overly complicated s*xual act where a significant other inserts a thumb up a fellow’s teatowel holder whilst their fingers wrap around his bag of fertiliser like a pistol grip, with their trigger finger rubbing the banjo string, leading to several rounds of friendly fire. linesman 1. n. In association football, an assistant referee or other official empowered with assisting the referee in enforcing the
Laws of the
Game during a match. 2. n.
A fellow with a penchant for jazz talc:
‘Born on this day: Mother Teresa, religious leader, 1910; Macaulay Culkin, Home Alone actor, 1980; Michael Gove, Conservative linesman, 1967.’ little tadpoles looking for mama 1. n. Title of a 1960 Chinese animated film; the late Te Wei’s first attempt to break away from Westerninfluenced animation and aim for a more painterly style, it says here. 2. n. A mid-air cumshot on its way to a lady’s face, tits, arse and/or back. live round n. An unexpected shit when one was only expecting to pump out a fart. nethersphere n. medic. Collective term for the female parts; the hole caboodle. Incorporating the clunge/ undercarriage, the Baker Street concourse, and the lower third of the arse.
Norfolk wedding n. The union of a happy couple, surrounded by a scrum of enthusiastic onlookers, near the bogs at Roudham Heath, just off the A11. Apparently. Dogging, geocaching. nutty slack 1. n. A cheap fuel consisting of coal dust (slack) and small lumps of coal (nuts). 2. n. The state of an octogenarian’s ball sack. ‘Alright, Sir Alan. We’ll just have a quick check of your nutty slack and then we’re done.’ one fart off a shit 1. phr. Touching cloth. 2. phr. lit. On the cusp of malfeasance or disaster. ‘All causes shall give way. I’m proper one fart off a shit and that.’ (William Shakespeare, The Tragedie of Macbeth III. 4.136–8, early First Folio draft). palm export 1. n. An amber Belgian beer that undergoes top fermentation. The taste is bittersweet with a strong hoppiness. 2. n. Spunk. perpetual motion n. Eating
whilst sat on the pot shitting. place of happy release 1. n. In John Christopher’s apocalyptic The Tripods
novels, the facility where tired slaves go to die.
2. n. In real life, one of those Thai massage places where a household name breakfast TV presenter used to go to get wanked off. plumber’s drip tray, face/fanny like a sim. See also art room sink, Dracula’s candle. poosh 1. v. A shit enjoyed in an upscale locale, eg. The Gents in Harrods, the Ziggu Camp loos at the Glastonbury Festival, in the middle of Claridge’s Ballroom floor, or down a pair of exquisitely tailored Saville Row trousers.
2. v. The amount of extra force required by the external sphincter muscle to evacuate a recalcitrant stool. ‘Yotam, you’ve been in there an hour. Are you okay?’ ‘Just one more poosh and I’ll have got rid of the last of those Turmeric braised eggs with tamarind dressing.’ Prince Phillip’s funeral, as quiet as sim. When you organise a get-together and no-one turns up because there’s a better party going on elsewhere. A reference to the low-key lockdown send-off for the late Duke of Edinburgh. ‘Fuck me, Kier. This party’s as quiet as Prince Phillip’s funeral.’ ‘I know, Jeremy. I hear they’re all off doing Karaoke at number ten.’ pubik’s cube n. A geometrical
Hitler ‘tache.
DURING BBC1’s Bargain Hunt on November 8th, whilst appraising the red team’s purchase of a pair of silver tongs, auctioneer Charles Hanson exclaimed: “Ah, sugar nips!” I was so shocked at such coarse overfamiliarity towards presenter Christina Trevanion that I immediately vomited, shat myself, and put my foot through the television. Needless to say Mr Hanson can expect my bill(s) in the post.
Spud, Luton
track which reached number 18 in 1992. No, us neither. swimming with turtles 1. n. Cut-price alternative to swimming with dolphins done alongside the aquatic tortoises in Mexico, Barbados, Florida, etc. 2. n. Free activity currently available at most UK beaches. the buffet is now open exclam. Post-hat drop announcement that heralds a mass stampede into the next room. throw a brick down the well v. To pass a particularly solid Douglas, causing a loud splash in the pan that can be heard throughout the home or workplace. thunders of darkness 1. n. Song by black metal band Immortal, founded by lead singer and guitarist Abbath Doom Occulta (real name Cedric Tinkle). 2. n. Guinness-fuelled flatulence. turdboggan n. A long, light, raft of bumwad, used to aid number twos sliding downhill over porcelain and reducing the likelihood of skidmarks. undertaker’s wind, the 1. n. A nightly stiff breeze that blows across the island of Jamaica between 6pm and 6am, and the original title of Ian Fleming’s James Bond novel Live and Let Die. 2. n. A dustman’s special so noxious it smells as though you’re standing next to a decomposing corpse. Wankashire cheese n. A vintage delicacy matured in an unwashed fiveskin. Also fromunder, stinking bishop, brimula, foreskinzola, Fred Leicester and so on. wank it thin v. To overdo it. why why why Delilah exclam. To be sung before ripping a series of rapid, staccato Tony Harts. with bagpipes it’s not the tune, it’s the tone exclam. Humorous expression to be used after one steps on a duck. As originally coined by universally popular ex-royal Prince Harry about bagpipes rather than farting.