STAR PHWOARS!
Tto the latest advances in special effects technology, the waiting is almost over for fans of veteran sex-romp star That’s because this year – over 45 years since the release of the last of the bawdy ‘70s film franchise – a 5th and final outing for randy Jack-of-all-trades Timothy Lea is finally set for release.
HANKS
ROBIN ASKWITH.
Confessions From a Holiday Camp,
Back in 1978, plans for Confessions of an Astronaut were shelved after producers felt the project might suffer from the global success of Star Wars, as well as the lack of special effects technology to do justice to a weightless sex scene featuring a bare arse pressed against a spaceship entry hatch.
But the new film will use the latest CGI technology in order to make Askwith look 50 years younger. Specially developed software will ‘smooth-out’ the bonk-happy actor’s now wrinkly arse to bring it back to the peak pertness it enjoyed back in its heyday.
Producers have served up a sneak preview of the film, which will see Askwith's character, Astronaut Timmy Lea, become stranded on the International Space Station with a team of sexually frustrated housewife astronauts following a mix-up at the Kennedy Space Center.
Since most of the original audience are now dead, the makers hope the movie will reach a whole new set of fans and they have drafted in YouTube influencer Logan Paul to play Askwith's on-screen brother-in-law Sid Noggett.
“Logan has millions of youthful followers on YouTube, so casting him as Sid was a no-brainer,” said producer Rothbert Talwell. “And we are sure that modern audiences will love Timothy Lea's new saucy adventure in space. There's a few tits and arses on show and the odd brief glimpse of fanny to boot.”
“Proper fannies, too. Hairy ones. None of this shaven bollocks,” he added.
An artist’s impression of how a scene from Confessions of an Astronaut might look, with a CGI Robin Askwith (below) and Logan Paul (bottom) in the role of Sid Noggett.
Viz 332 February 2024 © Fulmcescherter Industries / Diamcond Publeschering Ltd. All rights, lefts, ups and downs reserved. No part of this magazine may gradually turn from a fish to a frog without the prior written permission of Fulchester Industries and/or Diamond Publishing, part of the Metropolis Group. Viz is published ten times a year by Diamond Publishing, part of the Metropolis Group, 2nd Floor, Saunders House, 52-53 The Mall, Ealing, London W5 3TA. Find us at our website viz.co.uk or twitter.com/ vizcomic and facebook.com/vizcomic on the internet. For the avoidance of doubt, anyone else being Viz, or Viz characters, or Top Tips, or Letterbocks or the Profanisaurus, or anything else out of Viz, is not us. So they can fuck the fucking fuck off as soon as they fucking like for a fucking start. To advertise in Viz, email Adrian Hogan at adrian.hogan@metropolis.co.uk To subscribe in the UK, phone 0208 752 8195. Subscriptions: Prices UK: 5 issues £16.95 and 10 issues £34.95. Europe and Rest of the World £42.95. Check the web for the latest prices, though, because they may have changed due to the publisher’s fickle whim. Subscriber service: hello@ metropolis.co.uk – this should be your first port of call if you’ve got any queries about your subscription, or if you want to change your address, renew your subscription or report problems. Written and that by Graham Dury, Simon Thorp and Alex Morris. Contributors to this issue: Barney Farmer, Lee Healey, Davey Jones, Simon Ecob, Stevie White, Tom Richmond, Adrian Bamforth, Tom Ellen, Mark Bates, Marc Jones, Tom Paterson & Peter Brooker. Colourificational input solutions: George Dury. Viz.co.uk webular fanglement: Jenny Thorp. Viz admin: Angela Dury. Crossword compiler: Anus. Send any contributions to Viz, PO Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ, or email them to angela@viz.co.uk. Production manager: Lee Boyman. Distributed by Marketforce (UK) Ltd, 3rd Floor, 161 Marsh Wall, London, E14 9AP. Viz distribution queries should be emailed to mfcommunications@futurenet.com. Printed by Precision Colour Printing. US Postal Information. Viz (ISSN 09527966, PE 023-728) is published monthly except in April and December by Diamond Publishing Limited, 2nd Floor, Saunders House, 52-53 The Mall, Ealing, London W5 3TA, UK. Airfreight and mailing in the USA by agent named World Container Inc., c/o BBT 150-15, 183rd St, Jamaica, NY 11413, USA.Periodicals postage paid at Brooklyn, NY 11256. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Viz, World Container Inc., c/o BBT 150-15,
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TERENCE TRENT D’ARBY
ARE THERE special test centres that clowns take their vehicles to get MOT’ed? My car gets so much as a bent aerial and it’s an instant fail from my local garage, whereas clowns’ cars barely make it into the auditorium without collapsing, wheels rolling off, exhausts coughing and spluttering and doors exploding, chucking clowns all over the shop. I’m amazed they even make it as far as the big top in those shit wagons.
Robin P. Soupçon, email
I WAS walking in the park the other day, when I happened upon a group of adults in their late twenties exhibiting circus skills. A young man was riding around on a unicycle whilst juggling skittles and next to him his friend appeared to be standing within a large metal hoop, which he was making spin around like a gyroscope just by changing his centre of gravity. In front of the two of them a young lady had stretched a length of bungee rope at knee-height between two fruit trees and was attempting to walk from one end of it to the other without falling off. As I walked off I thought how marvellous it was, in this age of digital distractions, that such pleasure might be obtained from hiding behind a bush and throwing apples at strangers in order to make them lose balance.
WHILST I agree in principle with Ms. Bavison’s comments in the previous letter questioning the suitability of employing clowns within the skilled and hazardous environment of a circus, it must be said that one of the most famous clowns of all – Mr. Ronald McDonald – has made an admirable job of running McDonalds’ worldwide fast food empire for the last 60 years, while simultaneously keeping Hamburglar at bay, which is no mean feat in itself.
Dr Talbot Weeble, Herts
CLOWNS are often seen as sinister figures, with the likes of Pennywise the Clown from Stephen King’s IT and Batman’s
YOUR
Gloria Davis, Pontypridd
arch-nemesis, Heath Ledger’s The Joker. Perhaps if they spent less time painting their faces white and killing people and more time making useful contrbutions to society then they’d have a better public image. I can’t say I feel particularly sorry for them until they weed out the bad apples.
Tony Pebbledash, email
IF CHANNEL 5 ever ran a television program called TV’s 50 Favourite Clowns, with D-list celebrities choosing their favourite TV jesters from a pre-approved list, I reckon that top of the tree would have to be noughts-and-crosses playing Bubbles, the cloth clown from BBC’s famous
QUERCUS PETRAEA KC
I BOOKED a clown for my four-year old’s birthday party last week and was astounded when he reached behind my child’s ear and produced three pound coins in quick succession. I’ve just received the invoice for the booking but was wondering if I’m within my rights to deduct this money from the bill?
Agnes G, Swansea
* A good question, and one that is reasonably simple to answer. If, after being produced, the coins were presented to your child in the form of a birthday present from the clown, then the invoice should be paid as it stands. However, if the clown was as surprised as your child to find the coins tucked behind the ear in question and pocketed it as profit, then you are well within your rights to deduce the amount taken from their final bill, since this is essentially theft. You should also check for further auricular currency your since the government sets a limit of £5,000 for personal savings before you are required to pay tax on it, whether they’re deposited in a bank or behind your son or daughter’s ear.
Have YOU got a legal query about clowns, clowning or clownrelated harlequinades? If so, write to Quercus Patraea KC, Viz Chambers, PO Box 1PT, Whitley Bay NE26 9EQ.