FIELDS OF COLD
Fears for pop bellend during cold snap
METEOROLIGISTS warn that we are in for a blast of Arctic weather. Snow and ice in all parts of the UK will bring widespread travel disruption and the cancellation of sporting fixtures. But music business insiders are also worried that the freezing temperatures will make life particularly hazardous for pop bellend Sting.
“It’s not the cold temperatures that are the problem,” says Hymen Prepuce, head of Parlophone records. “Sting could wrap up warm in a thick coat, perhaps a trench coat from Aquascutum, or a peacoat from Brunello Cucinelli. The real problem that faces him is falling on the ice.”
sumptious
Prepuce is right to be concerned, because despite his multi-million pound fortune, 72-year-old Sting is subject to the same laws of physics
as everyone else. “Ice has got a low coefficient of friction and is particularly slippery underfoot,” says Oxford University Physics professor Dr Ulrich Woolf. “If his foot slips and his centre of mass moves outside his base, the big tosspot – whose hits include Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic and Walking On the Moon – is going down at 9.81m/s2.”
And if the twat were to take a tumble in the icy conditions, it is quite possible that he could find himself in hospital. “Sting is in his seventies, and like many people of that age, a fall on an icy pavement could lead to a broken hip,” says Cramlington A&E consultant Dr Ellen Bowtie.
“He should be very careful in this weather, and only venture out of his £10million London town house if it’s absolutely necessary.”
vestibule
But a spokesman for the prick, who is rumoured be be able to delay orgasm for five hours, said that concerns for his safety in the wintery conditions were unfounded. He told us: “Sting, whose real name is Gordon Sumner, will be spending most of the winter in one of his houses in California.”
And he reassured fans of the arsehole that if he did pop back to the UK during a sub-zero spell, he would be completely safe. “He’s bought a pair of them metal spring things off of Temu that you put on the bottom of your shoes for icy conditions. They were £2.99 the pair including delivery,” he confirmed.
“So as well as Walking on the Moon, he can now go Walking on the Ice,” he quipped.