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THEY say that an infinite number of monkeys with typewriters would write the complete works of Shakespeare. I’m more than a little disappointed that – with all of that manpower – they would resort to plagiarism instead of coming up with something original. Perhaps Attenborough and his ilk might like to think again about how supposedly ‘intelligent’ our primate cousins are next time they’re putting a series together.
Gerald Preston, Weston-super-Mare ⬜
THE PROBLEM with stepping in dogshit is that it gets all gummed up in your shoe’s tread. If soles were made completely smooth and thickly coated in a greasy, non-stick substance, your shoes would remain completely free of barker’s eggs no matter how many you trod in. Come on, shoe manufacturers. Think outside the box.
Prince Asbo, Folkestone ⬜
IF YOU listen to Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon album, and watch The Wizard of Oz at the same time, you can’t really concentrate on either of them, so I wouldn’t recommend doing that.
Joe Williams, Leeds
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E-MAIL inboxes quickly become cluttered with unnecessary files, so in an effort to tidy things up I think it should be possible to combine the ‘spam’ and ‘junk’ folders. I should probably have a name for this folder when I pitch the idea to the major tech companies, and a hybrid or portmanteau word that contains letters from each word seems a good idea to me. So far, I’ve come up with the name “Jam folder”. Do any of your readers have alternative suggestions before I contact Bill Gates?
Rev. Cornelius Nutall Finchpalm, Cornertitty ⬜
I WAS listening to Desert Island Discs the other week, and I had a right chuckle to myself at the thought of there being a guest on the show called “Mike Asterway.” That would mean Lauren Laverne would have to introduce them by saying “My castaway this week is Mike Asterway.” Honestly, how mad would that be?
Roland Ball-Cock, Sweffling
* It would indeed be mad, Roland, but a quick Google search reveals nobody of that name, famous or otherwise, so unfortunately it’s probably not going to happen. ⬜
ISN’T it about time we saw more lady magicians sawing glamorous, bathing-trunks-clad male assistants in half? It’s 2024, for heaven’s sake.
Curtis Inkheart, Tooting ⬜
ON THE subject of magicians, has anyone actually seen a magician pull a rabbit out of a top hat? I haven’t. I don’t believe it can be done.
Herbert Copperfield, Hull
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IF BOY George had been French rather than British, he would have been called Garçon Georges, which sounds like a slightly pretentious and ultimately disappointing restaurant chain. Luckily for us all he wasn’t, and we are spared the confusion. Do I win five euros?
⬜ WHEN giving a web address, why do people insist on saying the letters ‘www’, with 3 syllables per letter? What they stand for – World Wide Web – is six syllables shorter.
Frank Farrell, Manchester ⬜
IMAGINE my disappointment when I tuned in to Absolute Radio 90s on January 1st 2024 to discover that they were just playing all the same songs they did in 2023 – The Manic Street Preachers, Blur, Oasis and the like. Come on, Bauer Media Group. Freshen it up for the new year and broadcast something a bit more up to date.
Darren Prepuce, Aberdeen ⬜
MY MATE Robert has a list of items which he has mislaid around the house and garage, including his driving licence, a bike helmet, the dog lead and a box of screws. Perhaps Viz readers would be willing to write in with any ideas as to where he might start looking for them. I am sure he would greatly appreciate any suggestions.
Gareth Price, Portland