Roger’s PROFANISAURUS

An Update of Britain’s Favourite Lexicon of Filth and Profanity

Advanced British Standard 1. n. Baccalaureate-style qualifications for 16 to 19 year olds that will apparently replace A-levels and once again make everything wonderful forever. 2. n. PostBrexit alternative to the British Standard Handful, ushering in a nationwide utopia of Barbara Windsor-sized norks. Aladdin’s rug n. An inch-thick mat of shit tickets laid upon the water’s surface before embarking on one’s dirty business, with the intention of leaving the shark’s mouth spotlessly clean after flushing. arse parcels n. The goods which fall out of a ripped shopping bag. aspartame daddy n. Bloke who pretends to be rich in order to get his end away. A fake sugar daddy. band aid 1. n. prop. Charitable supergroup headed by Bob Geldof who raised lots of money with Do They Know It’s Christmas? 2. n. Heightening pleasure by putting a rubber band around your clockweights and wanking yourself off. Or, indeed, having it done to you by someone else in a generous act of charity. blighty wound 1. n. In the WW1 trenches, a non-lethal injury a soldier hoped to receive in order to be repatriated. 2. n. Shitting your grundies after mistaking a fart for a solid, and getting sent home early. bog jockey n. An altruistic person who, to avoid unpleasant odours from contaminating the bathroom for other users, reaches behind himself to press the flush lever at the exact moment their foulage leaves the starting gate, thus keeping to an absolute minimum the time its surface is exposed to the air that others have to breathe (also useful for masking unpleasant splashing noises). So called as the toilet user assumes the position of a jockey astride his mount and thrashing its arse with a riding crop. bowel pager n. fart. bran in the pan, put the v. Parking your breakfast as a matter of some urgency.

A‘Come on, Posh! You’ve been in there twenty minutes.’ ‘Belt up, Dave. I’m putting the bran in the pan.’ bummolene n. medic. Mythical arse-soothing ointment. ‘So, Prue, was Tim’s Carolina Reaper chilli sponge cake a winner for you?’ ‘Christ, Paul, there were consequences. I’ve got through seven tubes of Bummolene since I had a slice.’ call the hotline! I smell gas! exclam. Excitable announcement following the passing of wind, in line with the instructions on British Gas vans. carvery arse n. medic. Distressing tirade of exceptionally vile Lionels suffered after polishing off a king-size plate at the Toby, with extra Yorkshire pud and bonus chipolatas. ‘Mrs McCririck was admitted to hospital on Tuesday after her husband suffered a serious attack of carvery arse.’ cockass n. West Country slang describing a person who is a bit of a cock, and also a bit of an ass; a commonly used endearment that can be used without causing offence in respectable company such as at a loved one’s funeral or across a supermarket Tannoy system. coquefort n. Knobcheese. Also mancheesegoo, fludge, cauliflower cheese, knacker barrel, fromunder, stinking bishop or willydelphia. count, the n. Letting out a big Donald whilst lying in bed, reaching around and feeling a moist ringpiece, and then having to pull your dressing gown around your shoulders like a cape to prevent spreading shite everywhere. Cowell movement n. Poptastical music, regularly dumped on the nation’s airwaves and streaming services via the eponymous pop impresario’s TV talent shows, that is basically shit. ‘Coming up: Dimelo by RakSu – another Cowell movement entering the charts, fittingly, at number two.’ don’t believe me just watch! exclam. Room-rousing cry delivered immediately before a massive guff which sounds remarkably similar to the horn break in Uptown Funk. do the clam 1. n. Title of a song performed by Elvis Presley in his 1965 feature film

Girl Happy, and later covered by The Cramps. 2. n. To finger/ lick out/poke a minge. dustman’s ruler 1. n. A short and stubby measuring tool, only of sufficient length to allow a council refuse operative to judge that your wheelie bin lid is open 1mm beyond the statutory limit so he won’t legally be able empty it, much as he would like to. 2. n. A risibly short manhood. ‘Oi Rishi! Is that a dustman’s ruler in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?’ encumbered adj. Hampered by an unwieldy mancumber. ‘Mr Faraday, kindly switch off your electromagnet at once. Prince Albert is so encumbered by its electromotive flux that he can barely fucking walk.’ eviction notice 1. n. Legal warning of an imminent tenancy termination, before you get thrown out by your landlord. 2. n. A legally enforcable Bengal tiger stirring in the guts. ‘I’ve just received three minutes’ Eviction Notice on yesterday’s chicken bhuna.’ feathering the clutch euph. When ensconced in a public convenience, skilfully and delicately controlling one’s nipsy when defecating, to minimise the noise and embarrassment. fido fudge 1. n. Branded American peanut butter and bacon snack for dogs. 2. n. A length of hound rope somewhat lacking in structural integrity, lying in wait for the inattentive perambulist. ‘Ah, fuck! I’ve trod in some fido fudge. Quick, pass me a matchstick whilst I find a puddle.’ fly in the eye, a euph. An itchy Roy Castle’s kettle relieved by vigorous scratch. fuffoon n. An affectionate term for a lady’s pleasure centre. ‘And look, your holiness. When you freeze the frame as she crosses her legs, and zoom right in, you can definitely see her fuffoon.’ gaslighting 1. n. Using sinister psychological methods to manipulate someone into questioning their own sanity, like what Charles Boyer does to Ingrid Bergman in that film. 2. n. Igniting one’s own methane supply. got the nose phr. Said of a preoccupied chap who’s got a mole at the counter that point blank refuses to come out, possibly caused by eating too many eggs. ‘The holy father can’t talk to you at the moment, as he’s got the nose.’

I don’t think anyone outside the Westminster bubble is interested in that exclam. Humorous, “Sir” Jacob ReesMogg-style response to a particularly long and audible flatulisation. See also there goes the cockle train; would the in-store cleaner please make their way to the underwear department? etc. jam n. Sperm. ‘Our Ethel came back from her boyfriend’s with jam all over her face.’

Jugsy Malone n. prop. Affectionate nickname for any lady who boasts an impressive set of assets. ‘Order! Order! The minister will give way to the right honourable lady. No, not you… Jugsy Malone there on the opposition front bench.’ landing thrusters engaged phr. When you produce a powerful jet of hot liquid shite which hits the water and cushions the impact forces just before your arsecheeks settle on the toilet seat.

Lidl shop of horrors n. Unnerving trip to an East Europe-based supermarket where you return home with a car full of treasure from the central isles (telescopic ladder, car mats, Torx socket sets etc.) despite only going in for milk and bogroll.

LOL/lol acronym. Leathery Old Labia. ‘I just bumped into your nan at the shops lol’ man-catcher n. The fanny. mensleydale n. Thick, crumbly

Yorkshire knob-cheese. Midgard serpent, the n. A Thora of such unfathomable dimensions that it may well presage Ragnarok.

motions, go through the 1. phr. To perform an obligatory task but with no real effort or enthuisiasm. 2. phr. To swim in the English sea. mumbleweed n. Female pubic hair that obscures the lips. See also toasted cheese sandwich that’s been dropped on a barber’s floor. noncequences n. The fallout that befalls a celebrity after they are exposed as a bad sort. ‘I see that bandy-legged gobshite is suffering some noncequences from the recent Channel 4 and Times revelations.’ offshite euph. Going for a sitdown lavatory adventure during working hours, or taking a dump at a location where you are due to work commitments. ‘Alright lads, just off for an offshite meeting although I’m not sure where the rooms are for it.’ pebbledashed semi 1. phr. Expression used during Sir Keir Starmer’s achingly sincere appeal to working class voters, viz. “That pebbledashed semi was everything to my family. It gave us stability through the cost of living crises of the seventies.” 2. n. Half a teacake getting sprayed in foulage after pulling out of a ringpiece in the middle of a bum fun session. Pity Me incense n. The fragrance wafted from someone’s tabs, named in honour of the bijou County Durham locale; Eau de Lambert et Butler. pooachute n. Raft of bumwad laid across the chodbin waters to prevent embarrassing splash noises of one’s dirty business echoing around the home, office, high-street, train, or whilst perched akimbo atop the bonnet of the boss’s Jag. Also lilies on the pond, pap baffle, crash mat, poo cradle, pilo, shilencer, turd’s nest. pooing and froing phr. medic. A bad case of bowel buckaroo necessitating repeated trips to the crapper and back. praying to Atum euph. Masturbation: a reference to the ancient Egyptian creator god who wanked the universe into creation whilst feeling bored and lonely. quimling n. A small but vexatious irritation; a child or teenager, a jumped up arsehole at work, or a pink-faced junior minister on a lunchtime politics show. A little cunt. ‘Thank fuck for that. It’s January and all the quimlings are back at school.’ ridden hard and put away wet 1. phr. Descriptive of the worst way to treat an equestrian saddle. 2. phr. Descriptive of a lady of the night. roider n. medic. Flatus of such velocity and force that it literally causes Michael Miles. scud brothers n. Collective term describing the pair of male professional footballers taking part in a typical threesome. See also Newton’s cradle, prawn sandwich, twopronged attack etc. silent partner 1. n. An investor who plays no part in the running of the business. 2. n. A bedfellow with a penchant for emitting SBDs under the cover of darkness. sludgie n. medic. The first nonliquid jobby enjoyed after a colonoscopy. sorting hat n. An older man’s leathery-brown, wrinkled, cock and balls. ‘Put your sorting hat away, Chris. Your show starts in five minutes.’

St Crispin’s Day, an arse like sim. A twenty-four sheeter, a nipsy that refuses to wipe clean. From the date of Shakespeare’s Henry V Battle of Agincourt speech, viz. “Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more”. See also scraping out the Marmite pot, ringbinder, clean up on aisle two etc. sweetcorn bukkake n. When eating a corn on the cob, a jet of juice that shoots out and into the eye of the person sitting opposite. talk turkey, let’s exclam. A proposal made by a rural swain to his partner, involving some gobbling. titris n. When two women hug each other off-centre to allow their norks to fit together like the pieces in a Nintendo puzzle. tool station 1. n. On an industrial estate near you, suppliers of tools to trade and DIY customers seven days a week. 2. n. Any national chain pub on a Saturday night. trump force one 1. n. Comical former US president’s personal aircraft. 2. n. A very slight flatus, detectable only by sensitive vicars, bloodhounds, and maiden aunts, that causes minor disturbance to a rising smoke plume.

UHEZ abbrev. Ultra High Emissions Zone. The area of dangerous, noxious pollutants which surround a person the day after enjoying several pints of real ale, pork scratchings, a Scotch egg and a vindaloo. May be surrounded by protesters and placards. venison ram rod 1. n. Luridly named meat product made by New Zealand-based butchers Beard Brothers (who also produce bangers called ‘Sausage Party’ and ‘Sheep Thrill’). 2. n. The male w*lly. wind chime n. A backdoor bell

that wakes you up. wugyu pork 1. n. A piece of meat treated to regular massaging. 2. n. A teenager’s cock.