STEWARDESS

Penny Mordaunt MP

LENNY SAYS: “She presumably makes a pretty ‘penny’ from her role as a Conservative front bencher, but if PENNY MORDAUNT ever fancied a change of career, I reckon she’d make a cracking stewardess on my hypothetical airline.

Her show-stealing turn as the official Big Sword Carrier at King Charles’s coronation proved not only that she looks bang tidy in an air stewardesstype outfit, but that she also possesses calm, balance and grace under pressure. In front of 18 million viewers, the saucepot MP managed to walk in a perfectly straight line without dropping a massive fuck-off metal sabre, so ferrying cups of coffee, tiny packets of peanuts and eyewateringly expensive cheese rolls up and down the aisle of an Airbus would be a piece of piss.

As Leader of the House, Penny engages in public speaking on a daily basis, so explaining how a seatbelt works to fifty-odd people who aren’t really listening would not tax her in the least. And in her role as a top member of parliament, she regularly rebukes the childish shouts and jeers from the Loony Left snowflakes on the Opposition benches, and as such, dealing with a pissed-up stag party en route to Prague would be small potatoes.

Finally, as a former contestant on shit diving gameshow Splash!, Stewardess Penny would also be a boon should the plane have to make an emergency landing on water. Swapping her matching hat ’n’ dress combo for a onepiece bathing suit, the Tory temptress would perform a perfect swan dive into the choppy ocean before calmly guiding her terrified passengers down the evacuation slide.

She was famously appointed Paymaster General in the February 2020 cabinet reshuffle… and I think having Penny as my make-believe stewardess would be a PayMASTER-STROKE!”