PASSPORT OFFICER

Tim Wonnacott

Lenny says: “The Passport Officer is the final barrier between international airspace and Britain’s green and pleasant land, so, they must be friendly and welcoming, yet ruthlessly vigilant, able to spot a false document or a fraudlent story at fifty yards. For that reason, I would offer my non-existent border control badge to bowtie-sporting antiques bellend TIM WONNACOTT.

As the host of Bargain Hunt, telly twat Tim was forced to make hours of pointless smalltalk with members of the general public, probing them on the tedious minutiae of their lives whilst assessing the value of the items they’d purchased. This is not dissimilar to what a Passport Official must do each time they call an arriving passenger to their desk – gently pressing them for information on how long they plan to stay in the UK, what exactly they’ll be doing, and whether they intend to take all our British jobs.

As ex-director of Sotheby’s auction house, eagle-eyed Wonnacott is also an expert in identifying forgeries. Just as the bespectacled broadcaster can tell a genuine 17th Century Stradivarius violin from a clever fake, he will also be able to differentiate between an official government passport and one that’s been knocked up on Photoshop a few days earlier. If Tim came upon a set of hooky papers, he could immediately call Security Officers J and 2 Dope and have the offending passenger slung straight on the first flight to Rwanda, if only the Woke Brigade hadn’t selfishly scuppered that idea last year.

I’ve long been searching for the perfect Passport Officer for my A-List airfield, and with Tim, it looks like my (Bargain) Hunt is over!”