AIRPORT SECURITY

Insane Clown Posse

LENNY SAYS: “Whether it’s confiscating a nearly-empty bottle of water you forgot was in your backpack, or pinning you violently to the ground after discovering four kilos of what you genuinely thought was cane sugar concealed in the soles of your shoes, the security guards at airports are intent on making the average traveller’s day that little bit more difficult.

But at their best, they should make holidaymakers feel safe, welcome and even entertained, and that’s why I’ve selected Detroit horrorcore duo INSANE CLOWN POSSE for the job at my fictional aerodrome.

Prior to making their name in the world of hip-hop, Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J began their career as backyard wrestlers, so the musclebound musos would have no trouble dealing with any miscreants who might try to sneak through the security gates. Should any traveller commit the ‘heinous’ crime of, say, not removing their laptop from its case, the clown-faced pair would spring into action, piledriving the fuckwitted holidaygoer onto the concourse floor, putting them in a half-Nelson and giving them a barber’s scrub.

The queues at airport security can also be notoriously long, and security guards Shaggy and Violent could keep the travellers entertained by performing a medley of their hardcore rap hits, such as Imma Kill U, Fuck The World, Bitches and I Stab People. Tapping their toes to ICP’s cheeky lyrics, the passengers would be more than happy to wait two hours just to walk through a gate only to be told they’ve still got their belt on and have to go back and walk through it again.

When it comes to hypothetical airport security, these foul-mouthed circus rappers would be (Big) Top!”