AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER
Hugh Grant
LENNY SAYS: “For the most part, the job of Air Traffic Controller involves sitting in a big ivory tower and passing judgement on the actions of others. For that reason, I can see no finer candidate than sanctimonious ‘woke’ board-treader HUGH GRANT.
Four Weddings lefty Hugh loves to pontificate to his millions of Twitter followers about what everyone should and shouldn’t be doing, and this is effectively what he would be employed to do in the control tower of my fantastical airport. But rather than criticising the hard work of decent Tory MPs and upstanding tabloid journalists, the floppy-haired traitor would instead be relaying messages to hundreds of different cabin crews, telling them when and where to land.
The Hammersmith-born enemy of the people is also famously a fan of snooker, and the analytical nature of that game would help him enormously in his new control tower role. Just as Grant must anticipate where to leave the cue ball in order to screw back for the pink, so the actor would have to decide where to stick an Airbus 220, when he had a Boeing 737 and a Douglas DC-3 coming in right behind it.
Controllers must also be clear and concise communicators, and this is the only area in which Hugh might struggle. In his soft-as-shite rom-coms, the star is known for mumbling and stumbling over his words in a charming and endearing manner. All well and good when attempting to seduce Andie MacDowell or Julia Roberts, but less well and good when trying to land several 64-ton aircraft at the same time.
Any potential midair collisions would hardly be averted by Hugh grabbing the radio to stammer, ‘Erm, yes, Blimey, I’m... terribly sorry, but there, erm... seems to be a... that is to say, er... another plane heading, erm, straight, well – there’s no other way to put this – for you.’ By the time the bumbling hunk had finally delivered his orders to abort the landing, both vessels would most likely be little more than flaming piles of debris on the runway.
But if the plummy-voiced snowflake could work on his elocution, I think he’d be a ‘Hugh-ge’ success as my Air Traffic Controller.”