Letters@viz.co.uk | toptips@viz.co.uk
I HAVE a black cat here that is wishing to cross my path, but I can’t remember if it would be good luck or bad luck were it to do so. As a result, I have deterred its progress until I get a definitive ruling. Could your readers write in and let me know if a cat crossing my path is good or bad fortune? I would appreciate a swift response as I am holding it by the collar and it’s becoming a little bit feisty.
Terry Farricker, Blackpool
THERE is something that has always confused me about the TV series Downton Abbey. As a latemiddle-aged man, surely Carson the butler must have suffered the horrors of anal itching from time to time. So why is it we never see him having a dig at his arse-cleft while grimacing, and then sniffing his fingers and wincing? Come on, Julian Fellowes. It’s time to portray the reality of life, warts and all.
Mark Piggott, London
I HAVE never once seen an advertising campaign encouraging people to eat radishes, and yet there they are on every supermarket shelf in the country, just quietly getting on with it. Whatever you’re doing, little radishes, keep it up!
Wendy Jacobs, Woking
I READ the last edition of your comic from back to front. It didn’t make any sense at all.
Lord Goyt, Stockport
IS IT possible to light a fag from a lightsaber? I reckon it’d make you look really cool in front of the lasses if you could. Not that Jedi Knights need any help looking cool, what with their mind tricks and all.
Barry, Queefton
IN PONDERING which fruit most sounds like the breaking of wind, the kumquat wins out for me. I am, of course, happy to be proven wrong by any readers whose knowledge of fruits is greater than mine.
Derek Jeff-Derek, Inham Nook
IF STONEHENGE is some sort of celestial clock, did the druids or whoever have to shift the massive upright sarsens forward several feet once a year to compensate for BST? And then push them back six months later.
Captain Catpain, Horsham
A FORTNIGHT ago, I bought a 1:32 scale model kit of a Supermarine Spitfire Mk1b. Yesterday I opened the box and discovered to my surprise there were no instructions in there. Honestly, you couldn’t make it up!
Benny Scrounger, email