All Aboard the Grail-vy Train!

WE’VE all dreamed of becoming a millionaire. Whether we earn it, win it, inherit it or steal it, the desire to have a six-figure fortune in our bank accounts is deep inside all of us. But there is another, simpler way of joining the elite club of the well-heeled – Making and selling a Holy Grail!

Churches love their sacred relics – everything from bits of the cross to the sandal of an apostle, from one of the crucifixion nails to the toe-bone of a saint. All vicars know a good holy relic puts bums on pews, and bums on pews means heaving collection plates. So how much would a vicar shell out for the Holy Grail? The answer is… a million pounds, easy.

To get your hands on that cash, simply follow the instructions below showing you how to cobble together your own Holy Grail. Then take it along to any church in the country and tell the vicar that it’s the actual goblet from which Jesus Christ drank at the Last Supper, and say it’s for sale for £1million. Most vicars, desperate to put their parish church on the map, will happily hand over their parishioners’ hard-earned cash to be the keepers of this most sacred of relics.

It’s a simple scheme, and what’s more, it’s completely legal. Whilst it is a criminal offence to lie to certain people – for example the police, HM Customs and Excise, Border Force control, or a court whilst under oath – lying to the church is completely within the law! * And as long as you apologise before you die, it’s completely moral and won’t affect your chance of going to Heaven. So it’s Win! Win!

INSTRUCTIONS

1. TAKE an old teacup and knock the handle off with a hammer.

2. GLUE the end of a small funnel to the bottom of the cup using a hot glue gun or epoxy resin.

3. PAINT the entire structure gold using a spray can of car paint, eg Halfords Ford Tibetan Gold (£10.99 for 300ml).

4. STICK on some coloured gem-like beads available at craft shops.

And that’s it! Your Holy Grail is finished.

It’s that simple. And don’t worry about any imperfections or chips in the cup as these will add to the the authentic look of your 2000-yearold relic.

*Disclaimer: Whilst lying to the church is not illegal, obtaining money by deception is (under the Theft Act of 1968), and you may be committing fraud if you knowingly pass off a fake object as an original. However, if you claim to have faith that you have the actual Holy Grail, you should be in the clear. If in doubt, take legal advice before selling your Grail to the church for a million pounds.