Oger’s PROFANISAURUS

An Update of Britain’s Favourite Lexicon of Filth and Profanity

agent orange 1. n. Toxic defoliant (containing 2,3,7,8-tetrachloro-dibenzo-para-dioxin) used by the US Military in Vietnam as part of Uncle Sam’s herbicidal warfare programme. 2. n. The first wazz of the day; knacker tea that should be banned under the Geneva Convention. arse hankies n. Bathroom tissue. ‘Mr Carson! Can you get the maid to bring up some arse hankies?’ arse-soup maker n. Device for diluting bum-cleft detritus and sharing it with your close friends and family. A hot tub. at my signal unleash smell exclam. To be said in the style of Russell Crowe out of off of Gladiator, just before lifting one buttock and having your vengeance.

Bangalore torpedo 1. n. Battlefield device (also known as a “pole charge”) used by combat engineers to clear mines, barbed wire etc. Responsible for saving numerous lives worldwide. 2. n. The morning after a king prawn phall washed down with copious amounts of old ale, an explosive asstrocity capable of clearing any obstacle in its path. Responsible for ruining numerous lives worldwide. booze clues n. Walking down your street on recycling day and looking at the contents of your neighbours’ bottle bins to judge just how much judgement impairment fluid they knock back on a weekly basis. bowl of coco-pops, we’d rather have a exclam. Cheery song to lighten the mood whilst turning the bowl chocolatey. bum bile like Princess Margaret’s bath water sim. Descriptive of scalding hot diarrhoea following a slap-up feed at Curry Capital, Bigg Market, Newcastle upon Tyne. Named in honour of the tragic 1999 incident when the late Queen’s sister boiled her feet off when stepping into the tub. bury a nut euph. Expression of an urge to defecate. ‘I would just like to remember some words of St. Francis of Assisi which I think are really just particularly apt at the moment. “Where there is discord, may we bring harmony. Where there is error, may we bring truth. Where there is doubt, may we bring faith. And where there is despair, may we bring hope.” And now, if you will excuse me, I have to go into 10 Downing Street and bury a nut.’ (words of Margaret Thatcher, 4th May 1979). capability brown euph. Propensity for the missus to take it up the wrong ‘un. climate change denier n. One who refuses to admit that they are the one responsible for poor air quality whilst emitting excessive quantities of brownhouse gas. controlled explosion 1. n. The carefully managed destruction of a combustible device or a large unsafe structure thus ensuring that the surrounding populace suffers no harm. 2. n. The carefully managed expulsion of faecal matter thus ensuring minimal splashback and/ or unduly disturbing any occupants of adjacent mud huts. Cornish nasty n. The foul-smelling aroma emitted after a weekend on the scrumpy followed by several of the popular south-western peninsula’s finest pastry delicacies. creamatorium n. Posh name for a bukkake club that’s full of stiff gents. duet for one 1. n. Heart-rending 1986 drama starring Julie Andrews. 2. n. A wank.

Dutch iris 1. n. Iris hollandica – a fragrant, multi-petalled, spring-blooming flower. 2. n. A lady’s bodily treasure. ‘Would you like a sniff of my Dutch iris, vicar?’ egotesticle n. A solipsistic Bertie

big bollocks or four ball Paul. Escher’s piss n. Urine delivered whilst sitting down which runs up the porcelain and out between bowl and seat, like something out of the eponymous Dutch artist’s famously paradoxical graphical oeuvre. evil that men do lives after them, the exclam. Said poetically of someone who releases a new fragrance before quickly running out of the room. A quote from Marc Anthony in Shakespeare’s Carry on Cleo.

I WAS reading an Agatha Christie the other day and found the phrase ‘brown study’ amongst all the cousins marrying each other and people in disguise. It struck me as the perfect phrase one could employ to describe a long period on the chodbin contemplating one’s life choices whilst a burning hot phall makes its cacophonous exit.

Steve, Email feeding the fish euph. Combining a healthy swim in the sea with dropping a feeshus. fishbeater n. A convenient, handheld electrical device employed by a lady to mix up some batter.A fanny hammer or eggwhisk. fourchin teller n. A garrulous and Greggarious uninvited companion whose presence in pubs, bookmakers, bus stops and medical centres lends a frisson of irritation to an otherwise mundane experience. fuckulties, lose the use of your v. To be so old – or pissed – that you cannot sustain a usable erection without the use of Bongo Bill’s banjo pills. ‘It’s no good, dear. I’ve lost the use of my fuckulties. Me poor cock’s drooping like a Cardiff Market carrot.’ gash goblin n. Baby. Also

fruit, fanny apple. gone and never called me mother! exclam. A melodramatic cry of anguish after giving birth to a solid mudchild which goes straight round the U-bend and is never seen again. grape crusher 1. n. A person who works in the wine industry. 2. n. A Crackerjack presenter who perhaps doesn’t get as much work as he used to. 3. n. One who inflicts trauma upon a friend with sore Chalfonts. Also pile driver, roid wrecker. horse’s dick n. Used to describe a person that likes to impress acquaintances by making out that they are important, successful, wealthy etc. when, in reality, they are none of those things. Like a horse’s dick, “they are big when they are out”. cunt ironman, preparing for an euph. Watertight excuse for a fellow spending early mornings, nights and weekends away from home, before returning physically shattered. jelp n. Viscous clear liquid issued from the German’s eye as the vinegar strokes approach. Also knacker lacquer, guardsman’s gloss, pre-cum, clear smear, knuckle varnish, ball glaze, perseverance soup, dew on the lily, wrist oil, snake spit or French polish. jism stick n. A membrum virile

that you might get hit with. kissing the pink 1. n. In snooker, a situation where the cue ball comes to rest touching the pink ball. 2. n. One-hitwonder pop combo whose single The Last Film just grazed the hit parade in 1983. 3. n. The sordid act of cumulonimbus. let’s get to the bottom of this exclam. Something to say before letting one rip. long-term effects of working from home 1. n. Economists’ analysis of the decline of the British high street causing the dereliction of town centres 2. euph. Wanker’s elbow. meat tax 1. n. Mythical duty on sausages that definitely existed before tiny, brave Prime Minister Sunak struck it down. 2. n. Flowers, chocolates, meals out, etc. motion of no confidence phr. Squitty shits passed when you’re nervous. negligent discharge 1. n. milit. In the military, the careless, unintended, and dangerous release of a live round from a firearm. 2. n. In civilian life, the careless unintended and dangerous release of a treacle tart from an anus. Possibly containing lumps. non-verbal communication euph. Talking through one’s arse. palm angels 1. n. Fashion brand and sponsor of the Haas F1 team. 2. n. Tossteopaths, as utilised in the world of grumble flicks and (it is rumoured) private artificial insemination clinics.

pip the hare at the post v. Of a tortoise’s head, making an unexpected last second dash to the surprise of the attending crowd. pocket of humanity 1. n. A post-apocalyptic sci-fi novel to spark your imagination and take you on a wild ride. According to the advert that recently took up the vacant Aqua Velvas ad page in a certain downmarket magazine. 2. n. A fanny. portaloo sunset n. A stirring Glastonbury classic, a full on Technicolor pantry of shite, piss, sick, more shite, some bum gravy, all topped off with a deep crimson-soaked minge-rat. pump and dump 1. n. In finance, a type of market fraud where false information is spread about a stock, increasing its value before it is sold. 2. n. Lavatory session where a treacle tart is pushed out of Ena Sharples’s mouth by oncoming faecal matter, in the same way as a wall of foetid air might be pushed into a tube station by an arriving train. quackophony n. Discordant sounds typically emanating from barrack rooms, hospital wards etc., especially after musical fruit has been served with the evening meal. ‘Scutari, March 15th 1855. Did my usual rounds at midnight. Quite the quackophony and some concomitant ronk as grey peas had been served for supper.’ (extract from The Diary of Florence Nightingale.) quimsole line n. Elastic marks left in the flesh of a Rubenesque female after she takes off her scads. riddle me this! exclam. Something to say before dropping a rather confusing fart. See also at my signal, unleash smell!; does the prisoner have anything to say before I pass sentence?; here’s one from my new album; here’s what the critics are saying etc. same again… the usual? exclam. A rhetorical query posed before releasing beer gas. seed sensations 1. n. One of them new-fangled loaves of bread to make you more healthy when you’re grilling thick slabs of cheese and butter on it. 2. n. Fizzing sensation in a swain’s knackers when he claps eyes on an impressive frontage. skipped adj. Descriptive of a toilet that has been copiously overladen with bangers and mash. From its similarity to any skip a resident may hire in order to remove bulky waste from his home improvements, that is quickly over-filled with their shite by opportunist neighbours. ‘It was four hours of hell. All the bogs were skipped within an hour of leaving King’s Cross,

IN CORONATION Street on January 22nd, after Paul’s mum Bernie had cleaned vicar Billy Mayhew’s bedroom, she commented on finding a number of “crusty socks”. When I explained the subtext of this line to my wife (who has lived quite a sheltered life) she vomited. LE Beagle BA (Hons), Walsall

and I was touching cloth well before we got to Stevenage.’ ‘I’m sorry to hear that, your majesty.’ speak up! exclam. Jocose quip essayed by red-blooded chaps in the presence of a nubile lady wearing skin-tight sprayed on mumblers. testiloquence toilet tourism n. At work, visiting the exotic, glamorous toilets on another floor to take a dump. to the right 1. phr. In political parlance, describing the side of the spectrum that espouses free enterprise, low taxation, and sending them all back. 2. exclam. At a Saville Row tailor, descriptive of which side of the trouser crotch a fellow’s bellend is dangling, so it can be accurately measured and allowed for in a new pair of strides. 3. adj. Funny in the head. From the tendency of the producers of University Challenge (and Question Time for that matter) to seat the more colourfully dressed, socially maladjusted participants to the viewers’ right on the panel. turdbagging n. When, whilst sitting down upon a particularly full festival crapper for a well deserved turnout, the underside of your gentleman’s beanbag nestles on the top of the previous occupier’s foulage. See also scrotelifter. twat spot, the n. Parking space closest to the supermarket entrance, much lusted after by the indolent so they don’t have as far to waddle as other customers ‘You were out for hours, love. What kept you?’ ‘I wanted to park in the twat spot, but I had to wait until this fat cunt got in his BMW and drove away.’ wine gums 1. n. Fruit-flavoured pastilles for connoisseurs. 2. n. When your gob goes all purple from drinking too much rioja. n.

Talking bollocks.