HAMPTON DOUBLEDAY

Your correspondence to editor

WHY DO I have to cut my hedge every year? When I got to five foot ten I stopped growing, and I don’t see why my hedge shouldn’t do the same.

Hector Marshland, Windsor

IN THE Bible, Jesus says “The truth will set you free”. And he’s not wrong. I decided to come clean to my wife about all of the affairs I’ve had since we were married, and as a result I’m now free to see anyone I like. And I’m also free to fuck off and find somewhere else to live, apparently.

Steve Crouch, Peterborough

AFTER a televised argument with philosopher Will Self a few years ago, stories began to circulate that Mark Francois MP had an extremely small cock. Fortunately, these rumours died down and were eventually forgotten, but they should never have been started in the first place. There was possibly no truth in them anyway, but even if there were, having ludicrously tiny genitalia would not affect Mr Francois’s ability to represent his constituents, and such scurrilous facts should not have been brought up on national television. It’s time to forget these cruel and perhaps inaccurate rumours once again and move on.

Stan Algae, Leeds

I’M CONDUCTING some research into the preconceptions that British people have about the size of wombats. If you could ask your readers to write in and say how big they think a wombat is, and forward their answers to me, I would be very grateful. I will of course share my findings as soon as I have all the data.

Ulf Baumgarten, Ghent

* Well, readers, are we British completely clued up about how big wombats are, or are we quite naive when it comes to knowledge of the size of these marsupials? Write in and tell us how big you think a wombat is, and we’ll pass your answers onto Dr Baumgarten.