NO-GO BRITISH AREA 3: CHINATOWN, MANCHESTER
I FPaul Scully thought Tower Hamlets and Sparkhill were ‘no-go zones’, it’s fair to say the slap-headed MP would have a FIT if he found out about ‘Chinatown’.
This area of formerly green-and-pleasant Greater Manchester is essentially one big slap in the face of EVERY indigenous Briton. Not only are some of the street signs, shop names and billboards in Chinese, but many of the restaurants serve Chinese food too! What’s wrong with roast beef and Yorkshire pudding with two veg? Clearly, this spiteful no-man’s-land was designed specifically to make born-and-bred Brits feel unwelcome. But just HOW hostile an environment is this place for a true-blue Englishman?
I intend to find out!
Fresh out on bail after my wrongful arrest at the hands of the Brighton Woke Police, I journey up to Manchester. Since I’m heading ‘Oop North’, I make sure to dress in my most patriotically Northern British attire – a flat cap, Liam Gallagher-style ‘parka’ jacket and a T-shirt with Fred Dibnah on the front. To complete the look, I am carrying a small whippet under one arm and a copy of James Martin’s autobiography, Cooking In The Fast Lane, under the other.
As I walk beneath Chinatown’s large entrance sign – pausing briefly to be sick when I see the ludicrous foreign ‘letters’ all over it – I am initially surprised to spot more white faces here than I was expecting. Unlike the Orwellian woke dictatorships of Tower Hamlets and Brighton, Chinatown appears at first glance to be friendly enough to the indigenous Englander. Its restaurateurs beckon me cheerily into their establishments, and its citizens smile politely as they walk past.
But my instincts tell me there is something rotten festering underneath the surface...
Steeling myself, I walk into one of the establishments, a takeaway in a side street. The Asian man behind the counter smiles as I enter and says “alright, our kid? He speaks in perfect, wellpractised English with a thick, Mancunian accent. But there was something in the way that he asked if I wanted the lunchtime special that hinted I was not welcome.
Trying to hide his dislike for me, he tells me to take my time and disappears into the back of the shop to fulfil an order. Now, as a boy I had heard, and happily spread, many rumours about something that was found in the back of the Chinese takeaway on my estate, so before I order, I decide to check the cleanliness of the place.
With my whippet under my arm, I hop over the counter and go through the door marked ‘Staff Only’ into the kitchen. Everything looks orderly and extremely clean – they have clearly been tipped off that an investigative journalist is at large in the area. And when the man sees me, he drops his earlier pretence of friendliness. “Hey, what you doing, our kid? You can’t be in ‘ere,” he says.
The arrogance of his words astounds me. He has clearly never heard of the Magna Carta, that great British document that gives every Englishman the right to roam anywhere he likes without let or hindrance on this green and sceptic Isle. I’m about to tell him as much when my whippet begins curling one out on the floor – as is its Magna Carta-given right as an Englishdog.
“Yer dog’s shittin’ on the floor, mate. Get it out!” he yells, and I detect a slight Manchurian accent replacing the Mancunian. “Get out or I’m calling the police!”
Your kind is not welcome here. It’s time for you to leave.
As I am forced out of another once-welcoming corner of our formerly green and pleasant land, I can’t help but wonder: where has England – my England – gone?
It’s a question we’ll all be asking soon enough... here in NO-GO BRITAIN.
Billy Bob Gumtree, you are charged that on 10th October 2023, whilst undertaking building work at a house in Chippenham Close, Fulchester, you entered the master bedroom and performed a sex act upon yourself into the underwear drawer of the homeowner, Mrs Emma Crumbshoe.
How do you plead?
The case for the prosecution concluded, the defence opens its case by calling Ernst Olafson, Professor of sexology at the University of Stockholm.