ARSTRONAUGHTY!
DISASTER on the International Space Station was narrowly averted last week after one of the astronauts ripped the trousers of his spacesuit.
British astronaut Toby Mange was on a spacewalk to replace a damaged solenoid on one of the station’s communication antennae when he dropped his screwdriver. “I bent down to pick it up, and as I did so, I heard a massive tearing noise,” he told reporters. “I felt round the back of my spacesuit and discovered I’d got a massive rip in the arse.”
“I’ve been on the ISS for three months and it’s a bit difficult to get any exercise, so I’ve put on a pound or two,” said Mange, speaking via the orbiting station’s Earth communication radio. “My spacesuit’s a bit snug round the back these days,” he added.
curry
With the air rushing out of his suit into the vacuum of space, Mange quickly lost consciousness. Fortunately, his colleagues inside the craft quickly noticed the drop in pressure and hauled the unconscious astronaut back inside the station.
Mange was seconds from death as he was brought inside, where he was given oxygen until he came round. But if he thought that his chilling brush with death would garner him sympathy from his fellow astronauts, he was wrong.
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“We’re a close knit bunch on the ISS, and we’re always taking the piss out of each other,” he said. “The other astronauts ribbed me mercilessly over what had happened, saying that I must of farted and blew a hole in the back.”
freans
When he had fully regained his senses, Mange set about repairing the hole in the arse of his spacesuit. “The station is equipped for any crisis, and we’ve got an emergency sewing kit in one of the cupboards,” he said. “It didn’t take me long before it was as good as new.”
But his colleagues would not let him forget the event, and the good-natured ribbing continued all week. “The others were writing things like ‘Sprout Soup’ and ‘Mushy Peas’ on my pouched food,” he said. “And when I came to get my spacesuit one day, I found that somebody had removed my name and embroidered ‘Cmdr. Fartarse’ on the breast pocket.”
“Then yesterday, they put a whoopie cushion on my chair when
I sat down for dinner. But that one backfired because in space you’re weightless, so there was no pressure when I sat on it, so it didn’t make a farting noise,” he said.
“I think the joke’s wearing a bit thin, to be honest, but if I get angry, they just rib me all the more, the bastards. Luckily I’m only up here another three months and then I’m gone,” he added.