FOOTBALL REJECTION LED TO MENTAL HEALTH BATTLE
Man Utd signing Rhodri reveals how he suffered in silence for years:
“ALL I could think was ‘don’t cry in front of him. Don’t cry. Don’t cry’.”
Rhodri Jones is calm and collected as he candidly talks through the moment Sir Alex Ferguson brought his footballing dream crashing down.
It’s just after 3pm, and we’re sitting under a shelter in the outdoor area of a local cafe near Pontcanna Fields.
The heavens have just opened and the light’s fading fast, but it quickly becomes clear that there’s plenty to discuss as the winter darkness rolls in.
Football was, and to some extent probably still is, everything to the Welshman.
But the game itself was not quite so kind in reciprocating that love, mercilessly dragging him into the depths of depression and, ultimately, spitting him out onto the scrapheap at the age of just 26.
It’s been a long journey, and Jones makes it clear on more than one occasion that he doesn’t want pity, instead stressing his eagerness to raise awareness and help those fighting the same battles.
According to figures from the Professional Footballers’ Association, the number of people requesting mental health support increased from 160 in 2016 to 544 between January and September 2019.
More than half of that number are believed to be former players.
When Jones signed on with Manchester United’s famous academy at the age of 14, it may well have felt like a dream come true – the chance to follow in the footsteps of David Beckham and Ryan Giggs, and to learn from some of the greatest coaches in the game.
But the reality was a little different, and the weight of the dream soon began to impose itself onto the shoulders of the promising teenager.
“When I signed on as a schoolboy, it meant going up every weekend, and that means you’re kind of sacrificing a lot of your childhood,” he explained.
“You feel like your family are taking you here, there and everywhere, and you can start to build that story that there’s a lot at stake and you don’t want to let anyone down when they’ve invested so much time on you. I felt a lot pressure.
“After my GCSEs I had a threeseason scholarship to go and play for them. And I was a little worried because I was academic in school and I hated not being in Cardiff because I had a close group of friends.
“Maybe it would’ve been easier if I wasn’t academic and I didn’t have a good group of friends, because that might have helped things.
“You try to adjust physically and mentally in what’s a fiercely competitive environment. Undoubtedly, you know you’ve got the talent, but then it’s day in, day out.
“It can grind you down.”
Adjusting to his new life was a challenge on its own, but his first two seasons as a scholar were made even harder by his constant injury problems.
With very little game time, Jones increasingly found himself alone with nothing but his thoughts, and they often proved not to be the best of company.
“I’d left home, done all the training, it was like being in bootcamp, your body’s adjusting to the intensity that’s required and then the next thing I know I’m back home with a my knee in a brace for six to eight weeks.
“Then you start thinking that your friends are all looking at you and talking about how you’ve gone and now just come back. You almost start thinking that maybe some of your friends are quite glad that you’re not succeeding. You start painting those stories.
“I was my own worst enemy really. I was thinking too much.”
As if the pressure wasn’t enough, Jones was even the subject of an S4C documentary, Giggs, Rhodri a Beckham, but not long after it aired in 2000, he was about to be given the most devastating blow of his short career.
“I’d had my first two seasons there and they were injury strewn,” he recalled. “But in my third season I managed to remain injury free and you have meetings regularly with the coach. So he updates you with how you’re going and the feedback was actually pretty positive.
“Then, one morning I was called in to see Alex Ferguson. I’d never been to his office before so I was kind of looking around to see what kind of memorabilia and what stuff he’s got!
“But I was only 20 and sat opposite him, and just based on the feedback I’d had I was maybe thinking I’d get another year.
“I can’t remember the exact words, but it was something along the lines of “Sorry son, we won’t be renewing your contract”.
“He said more, but once you hear those words you just want to get out of there, and for a young lad at 20 with Ferguson and the aura around him, my mouth just dried up. “I didn’t know what to say.
“It was irrelevant what he said from that point on.”
While he was grateful that one of the world’s best managers was kind enough to give him the respect of telling him personally, Jones admitted that having the news delivered by Ferguson himself actually made it even harder to take.
“When I signed for them as a schoolboy, I signed with him, the Premier League trophy and the FA Cup trophy. He took that time and that’s what made him a special manager. He felt the responsibility to let me know what happens.
“But then maybe that wasn’t the best thing for me as a young boy. If you just have your coaches that you see every day giving the news, the fall doesn’t feel so severe, but when it comes from a man that you’ve admired for so long, it makes it harder.
“But there’s no bitterness. I understand why he did that, but it made bouncing back much more difficult.
“Football’s unique. There aren’t many jobs where you become surplus to requirements so easily.”
After his release from United, Jones joined Rotherham United, but the pressure to get his career back on track, as well as the recurrence of a severe knee injury meant his stint in South Yorkshire quickly became a nightmare.
“I knew as soon as I arrived it wasn’t the club for me,” he continued.
“But in my head I was just thinking ‘Oh God, you’ve got to get on with it. You’ve got to get on with it.’ Plus my knee was starting to play up again.
“I’d also gone from being in a dressing room full of my friends to a dressing room that had won two successive promotions. It was a small club and so they had strong characters there.
“I went in there, still reeling from the news at Man U. Until the day I left there I thought they might change their mind.
“It would have been a great story to prove everyone wrong and succeed there, but to do that I had to be in the right mindset, and it was quite difficult because I just constantly felt like I’d let my family down.
“I had a lack of self-worth and subconsciously I think I maybe went there because it was so far away from Cardiff, and that meant I didn’t have to bump into my mates.”
Jones failed to deal with his inner struggles, and on several occasions uses the word “prison” when dis
cussing his time with the Millers. lers
Eventually, the love for the game and the drive that had powered him to the door of Old Trafford began to evaporate as his mental well-being continued to worsen.
“I was always a leader on the pitch. I’d captained many of the sides I’d played in,” he explained. “But at Rotherham I was playing for the reserves and just constantly thought ‘I don’t even want to be on the pitch’.
“If we were playing in the evening, I would just wake up during the day but I’d still be shattered because mentally I just didn’t want to play. It was an odd feeling, and I was starting to have really dark thoughts.
“I’d get home to my flat, shut the curtains, and just wait for the next day.
“I knew I wasn’t on the right path. I went to a GP opposite my flat and I just told him how I was feeling.
“I was training then while on antidepressants. I felt numb, and I reached a point where I was in my second season at Rotherham and still had six or seven months left on my contract. contract
“I asked to see the manager, Ronnie Moore. We hadn’t had too many dealings with each other, and I felt guilty.
“Even though I’d not cost them anything in transfer fees, I felt embarrassed to even talk to him because I wasn’t performing.
“But I did think, ‘This is the moment now. This is the time to be honest.’
“But I didn’t say anything. I just told them to rip up my contract. I knew for my well-being that I had to leave.”
After trying so hard to avoid contact with his hometown, Jones returned to South Wales in 2002, and enrolled in a business degree, but even then he found it hard to turn his back on the game, and joined Cwmbran Town as a semi-pro, where he found himself playing alongside former Cardiff City star Jason Perry.
It was arguably a million miles away from the bright lights of Old Trafford – and perhaps the baggage that came with it.
“I had my enjoyment for the game back again,” he added. “I was with people who were just playing for the fun of it. I had the same thing at Carmarthen. I’d stopped building that prison for myself.”
Nevertheless, United would soon come back into his life in tragic circumstances.
“There was a guy in my year at United called Jimmy Davis, who was a really talented striker,” he said.
“We got on really well because he was as daft as a brush. He didn’t think too much, and I think he maybe wanted to be a bit more like me, because I’d think about things more.
“And I was there wishing I could be a bit more like him – disengage my brain.”
On the night of August 9, 2003, Davis was killed in a car accident after his vehicle collided with a lorry on the M40.
It later emerged he was twice the drink-drive limit. He was just 21.
“At his funeral all the Man United players were there,” Jones remembers. “David Beckham, who’d moved to Real Madrid at the time, had flown back. It felt like a leveller.
“When I have down moments, I always try to remember Jimmy” Jimmy.”
United paid tribute to Davis by wearing shirts with his name when they lifted the FA Cup in 2004.
It seems that tragic incident brought things into perspective for Jones, who was forced to retire for good two years later.
Rhodri has since gone on to work in media, and works as a producer for S4C, having previously had stints at ITV and as a researcher for the BBC.
Nevertheless, he admits that hanging up his boots for good proved hugely challenging.
“Unfortunately for me, my knee was still deteriorating. Mentally, I was no longer in that bad place, but my knee just kept getting worse.
“It culminated in my going to see the consultant, who basically told me that I had the knee of a 50-year old.
“I’d wrapped up so much of my identity in football that I thought I was useless. A down-and-out.
“I’d gone full-time at 16, so to be told at 24 that you’re not going to play at all – I never envisaged that.
“I’ve since been living a functional life. I still have that drive to succeed, and that’s helped me develop a career in media as a television director.
“But that’s the thing. I’ve always suffered from high-functioning depression. So it’s a bit harder. No-one really notices and says you need to do something about it. You pull yourself out of bed. I was never late for anything, so I’ve put that mask on every day.
“Then, when you’re by yourself, that mask goes off.”
Not everyone suffering from mental health problems will have the same experiences, but Jones nevertheless feels a duty to help turn his struggles into something positive.
He’s currently a champion for the Time to Change Wales campaign, which aims to end the stigma around mental health issues, and has given presentations on their behalf.
He’s also looking to start a football coaching business. Clearly, football still has a knack for reeling him back in.
“The easiest thing would have been not to do anything, and just think, ‘I suffered and everyone else must lie in their own bed and live the same mistakes that I did.’ I think we have misconceptions sometimes that you’re either ill or not ill.
“But it’s actually a spectrum that slides from one end to the other. So, for me, the question always is, what is someone doing to keep their mental health in check?
“We all live in a culture where we’re happy to look after the external side of things. We’ll all do the latest diets or go and exercise in the gym.
“Stuff like getting enough sleep, meditating, working on breath work, we’re not taught things like that in school and a lot of stuff I’ve taught myself through courses and online.
“When I was struggling, resources were thin on the ground. Now we’ve got podcasts, we’ve got websites for those who are ill. It’s a decision to be ignorant now. I do believe men are waking up.”
As a father himself, taking care of the next generation is clearly a cause dear to his heart, and he believes there are strong lessons to be learned from his own experiences when dealing with youngsters looking to start out in an unforgiving industry.
“When you’re getting scouted at six or seven, there’s more points where you can get released. You can be dropped from an academy at nine or 10.
“Once you’re under the banner of a club, it starts a dream, and it’s all about how you manage that.
“If you’re a parent and a club comes and contacts you about taking on your child, it’s very difficult to say that you don’t think it’s in their best interests.
“I’m not saying you shouldn’t follow dreams. But we need to ensure we’re looking after the psychological wellbeing of children as they develop, because the fact is most players don’t make it.
“And they might carry that feeling of not being good enough for the rest of their life.”
All the evidence suggests it’s a warning worth heeding, but even those that do make a name for themselves in the game can have their struggles.
The pain of Gary Speed’s untimely suicide still runs deep in Wales and such tragedies really do bring home the sad reality that there is still a long way to go.