Isolation survival tips – no biscuits or daytime TV

THE world appears to have tipped on its axis in the last few weeks.

Shops are under siege from panic buyers, people are disappearing from offices and factories, schools are closed, places are shutting down.

Also – anyone else struggling to remember what day it is?

It struck me that it all feels a bit like Christmas but without the sherry. Or the fun.

And just like the festive season, we’re all being flung into living in close proximity with our nearest and dearest for an extended period of time. Such japes!

Of course, newspapers and websites have been awash with advice for those of us now having to stay at home for whatever reason.

Some of it is plainly useless. If I’d wanted to learn how to make jam or speak French I’d have joined the WI or paid more attention in class.

Some of it requires significant planning beforehand. Who in their right mind has litres of paint, brushes and Turps lying around just waiting for that DIY project to present itself?

And some of it just isn’t aimed at ordinary folk like me and you.

So, to lighten the mood, I thought I’d present my own ‘how to’ guide for getting through the next few weeks.

These are the true enemy, lurking handily in the cupboard. Don’t give in otherwise by the time this thing is over they’ll have to remove the bay window to extract you from the house.

A bit like the curate’s egg, it’s good in parts. Too much and you’re liable to go slightly mad. But trying to teach Gran how to Skype will keep the kids entertained for hours plus you can have ‘virtual’ cocktail hours with your friends for a fraction of the cost of real ones!

Every day. Nothing worse than an unexpected video call from the office when you’re hair is like a bird’s nest and your face a stranger to soap, never mind mascara. I speak from experience.

Otherwise, one moment it’s a quick Frasier at 9.30am and before you know it The Chase is on and it’s teatime.

Wash the windows. Wash the car. Wash the cat. Keep them busy – for the sake of your sanity and theirs.

Set yourself a job and do it otherwise you’ll spend half a lifetime at the kettle or on the phone and before you know it it’s June.

Some days the kids will be angels, others devils. Some days it will be all glitter and glue paintings and successful work emails, other days will see you hiding in the bathroom wondering if a glass of wine is permissible at 4.30pm.

And when all the craziness is over you’ll look back at this time and laugh. Eventually.

MUCH Churchillian-style talk these days of ‘war-footings’, the ‘enemy’ and ‘going into battle’.

I’m personally not keen on this kind of rhetoric. The messaging from the Government has been woolly at the best of times about what to do in the current crisis so dressing up the language still further isn’t helpful.

There is one phrase though that old Winnie used which keeps coming back to me: ‘Never was so much owed by so many to so few.’

He was talking about the RAF. I’d apply it to everyone currently working for the NHS.