8 SIGNS YOU ARE A PUSHY PARENT
IT’S normal to want your children to succeed and most parents will go to great lengths to help them do well. But when does a normal desire for success turn you into that dreaded thing: a pushy parent?
“Pushy parents often have good intentions at heart, believing their efforts will benefit their child’s future success,” explains family therapist Dr Kalanit BenAri.
“Parents can see their child’s successes and accomplishments as a reflection of their parenting and of themselves.”
Educational psychologist Dr Melernie Meheux, co-chair of the British Psychological Society division of educational and child psychology, points out: “We all want our children to be successful, for them to be happy and have friendships, but it’s how you achieve those goals – that’s how you distinguish between a pushy parent and a parent who’s supportive and just wants their child to do well.
“So if you demonstrate behaviour, put them in clubs, set goals and targets, that’s all normal. You encourage them to have a good work ethic and do their homework – that’s fine.
“The difference is when a child doesn’t have any space and it starts to affect their self-esteem and confidence, and all your time is driven by the pursuit of these goals.”
So could you be a pushy parent, or do you just want the best for your child? The experts outline the signs that you’re on the pushy
side...
“I think you’re a pushy parent if you don’t listen to your child’s needs and interests,” says Dr Meheux, “and if you fill up their time with lots of activities that don’t allow them time to be with themselves or to be with their family and having fun.
“If you spend more time talking to your child than listening to them, are critical and always correcting, monitoring and advising your child, without empathy and compassion, you could be seen to be pushy.
“Listen to your child, find out what they’re interested in, where their strengths lie, and then you can put them in clubs all day long if it’s what they like and they’re choosing to go.”
Dr Meheux says this could mean you send your child to football camp and talk about them being a professional footballer, even though you know they’re no good at football.
Dr Ben-Ari, who’s also a psychologist and founder of The Village online parenting community, says some parents put a lot of time and energy into developing a child’s early ‘career’, taking them to various competitions, auditions, private lessons etc.
“Children are very sensitive to the parent’s unconscious agenda, and in most cases will try to please them in an attempt to maintain their love and sense of belonging,” she says.
This is most common with firstborn children, who are most likely to be expected to fulfil their parent’s unconscious expectations, she says.
“When this happens, a child might repress the parts of themselves that aren’t in line with the parent’s agenda,” she warns.
If parents constantly criticise their child’s efforts, it can make them scared to even express an opinion.
“If parents bully, ridicule or criticise, that can be a sign of being pushy,” says Dr Meheux.
“If you’ve got a child that always wants to please you and they look to you before they even express an opinion, that means you’re a pushy parent because your child hasn’t developed their own sense of who they are and what they think.
“Praise your children and look at their strengths, rather than being critical.
“Being pushy can do more harm than good – it can be really harmful, but because children are exposed to lots of other adults in school, if those other adults are nurturing and kind, it can balance things out.”
Dr Meheux says having pushy parents can make children feel anxious and affect how they regulate their emotions.
“It can make them feel under pressure, like they’re not good enough and nothing they do is good enough,” she explains.
This can lead to children not taking risks with learning or even trying, because they’re
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