Nando’s, names and nugget...

FIRST, the big news. Nando’s is to close. Not forever, let’s not over-react, and not everywhere, but the closest one to Maesteg so an important one, okay. Which one? You ask. The one down The Pines. Down the where?

Oh okay then, at Mcarthurglen, but 25 years ago I swear it was rumoured to be called The Pines. It may even have started life as The Pines before it was renamed. For me though, it’s stuck.

I’m at that age where things tend to fossilise. I still call the Millennium Stadium, the Millennium Stadium, for example. (Apologies, Principality). I called my mobile, my ‘mobile phone’ the other day to the outrage of the teens and I can’t help it if I always pronounce Primark as Preemark. It’s how I heard it first said, the zillion years ago when Cardiff first boasted its first store and nine years since the big Preemark opened.

I remember the gutted feeling I had when I discovered that Nike was actually pronounced Nikee. I was a teenager and so the shame was real. Ditto Adidas. The trainer of the time when we were ruling the school (or so we thought) were black Adidas Kicks. (Sorry Sambas, we were way ahead of you.) We all pronounced Adidas Adeedas. Again, cue teenage shame.

My favourite pronunciation humiliation though came when a new friend and I went to

Bonfire Night. We’d recently met at college and she was London and I was Valleys and we got on like a house on fire, united by the fact we couldn’t be bothered to get to know anyone else or tell them what we did for A Level and what grades we got. So there we were, on Midsummer Common, and she’d gone to get us some toffee apples or scrumpy or something.

She then comes back giggling and said: “I’ve just heard someone ask for nugget.”

As you will understand I’m completely confused.

“What’s wrong with buying a bar of nugget?” I asked.

I could see the struggle on her face, her dismay at having to tell me that it’s pronounced ‘nooogar’ balanced with the fact she really, really couldn’t be *rsed to make another friend.

We laughed it off and 30-odd years later are still friends and I still call nougat nugget, because, well, my nan did, so there.

Anyway, Nando’s is closing on May 5 so you’ll need to get your fix before then because the Pines is having a makeover. Twenty-five years is about right, I guess, for a revamp and it’s going to be, from my reading of the plans, more about eating than cheating on the full price of stuff.

A spokesperson boasted of a ‘substantial investment to redevelop the food court area and replace it with new and exciting restaurants.’

It starts April and should end in October. We had builders at our house who said that once. They were still there a year or so later. We got to the point where we agreed that because they were working (at my home) AND I was working (from my home) that tea runs should be shared. Ditto biscuits.

One of them had an obsession with Jaffa Cakes. You may have thought he’d eulogise about the dark chocolate covered sponge with its smashing jaffa orangey bit. But no. For him, every time he opened a packet – so twice-daily, he’d say ‘Full moon.’ Then he’d take a bite out of it. He’d hold up the half a biscuit and mumble ‘Half Moon.’ Then he’d stuff it in his mouth and speak through crumbs ‘Total eclipse.’ He’d perform that for every biscuit.

Now I loved that award-winning advert which was directed by the brilliant Brian Baderman, where the self-centred teacher would eat a packet to herself and force her class to chant – ‘full moon, half moon, etc’ – but every biscuit, twice a day for months?

For any readers who can’t remember that advert do Google it, but please don’t mistake it for the one where Mcvities got our very own and wonderful Bonnie Tyler to explain solar and lunar eclipses in the manner of that Baderman TV advert. Painful doesn’t quite capture it, but it’s a timely reminder that if things aren’t broke then don’t fix it.

The Jaffa original advert? Genius.

Bonnie Tyler? Genius.

Bonnie Tyler’s ‘Total Eclipse Of The Heart’ which is now number one on itunes in America because of all the downloads following last week’s eclipse? Sublime.

Bonnie jumped on Radio Four and brought her unique charisma to the Today programme.

“Of course it’s only streaming but that doesn’t mean megabucks but it’s still great to be number one in America again,” she said, laughing, her voice gargling Mumbles rocks as always.

Then, God love her, she dived straight in with a plug for her book Straight From The Heart – available in all good bookshops – you could almost hear the Beeb execs sweat forming under their collars.

“My audience is mixed ages. It’s amazing. Jim Steinman wrote the most iconic songs for myself, Meat Loaf, Celine Dion, you know and I always wanted to work with him and my dream came true in the ’80s.

“I couldn’t believe it the first time I heard this song – how wonderful it was and that he was giving it to me. It’s like a theme song for the eclipse every time it comes around – when the moon goes in front of the sun, it is incredible.”

The next total eclipse visible in the UK isn’t until 2090 but I’d put a lot of money on the fact that Bonnie Tyler’s classic will still be top of the charts then and some builder somewhere will be explaining his weird ritual before eating Jaffa Cakes because of some long lost tradition passed through six generations of his family.

It may even be one of the descendants of the builders about to take on the renovation of The Pines. Turn it around quickly though, eh, Bright Eyes. We can’t be without our peri-peri chickenlicken for long. (Well, it’s what we call it in our house.)