The girls in my life
The latest collection of poems from Rhian Elizabeth tackles big themes and personal trauma with great honesty and authenticity, writes Jenny White
FROM Sweden to Cardiff, and from the present day to memories of teenage motherhood, Rhian Elizabeth’s latest collection of poetry is wide-ranging, but has a core theme, as indicated by the title - girls etc. “The theme chose itself,” she says. “Almost every poem I was writing seemed to feature a girl. Whether that was me, my daughter, an ex-girlfriend, a famous woman, a friend. I guess I just really like girls!
“In all seriousness, it became pretty apparent that that was the link – the women who have featured in my life somehow, positively and negatively, and how they have shaped me. Hence the title, girls etc. The ‘etc’ covered me to write poems about other things that have happened in the last six years, like travelling to Sweden.”
While infused with warmth and sparks of humour, this collection also ventures into some dark places – especially her experience of domestic abuse. Her subsequent work to heal the trauma – achieved with the help of the New Pathways charity, has inspired her to train as a counsellor.
“New Pathways are a wonderful charity who offer counselling services to people who have experienced domestic and sexual abuse,” she says. “I was struggling after leaving an abusive relationship – panic attacks, anxiety, all of the stuff that comes with the aftermath – and a friend of mine, who had previously had counselling with them, gave me the heads up.”
She was initially reticent about accessing their services because her relationship had been with a woman.
“I was embarrassed and still in the mindset of – well, they won’t take me seriously because I haven’t been abused by a man. It’s not something you hear about very often, women being abused by women, a woman committing violence against another woman in a romantic relationship.
“You don’t see it on TV storylines, you don’t hear about it on advertising campaigns or in the news, and I thought I’d be laughed at and sent away and told to get over it.”
She was relieved to find that could not have been further from the truth.
“They took me seriously and the counselling I received there really changed my life. Yes, writing about it helps, too, getting my feelings on to paper, but to have someone actually listen to you and offer you support is something that poetry can’t do – a voice back.”
New Pathways is now planning to use one of her poems in the collection for its upcoming fundraising campaign – a decision that reflects the integrity and honesty with which she has addressed the subject.
“The poems I’ve written about abuse don’t offer advice or tell people what to do,” she says. “I’m in no position to do that. But if it’s all out there, my experience, and if someone was to read it and feel seen and not like they are the only person in the world going through that, then that’s great. I wish I’d had that.”
The poems in girls etc also delve into her experience of motherhood, having become pregnant as a teen. The poems are self-critical, poignant, filled with love for her daughter – and with a keen awareness of how quickly time passes, and children grow up.
“It’s crazy when I think back on it now,” she says. “I was 16 when I got pregnant. And when you’re 16 you think you know everything. In fact, you’re absolutely certain of it and no one can convince you otherwise. But I didn’t know everything and I definitely didn’t know what I was doing or getting myself into having a baby.
“I sat my A Levels when I was eight months pregnant. I wasn’t a great mother. I try to be kind to myself now and try not to beat myself up so often about it because I was a kid trying to look after a kid. I wish I could go back, have my daughter now, when I’m 36 and not so messed up and not so young, and be a better mother to her. I guess the poems about her in girls etc are really about this, about my self-pity, about me trying to explain myself or apologise for some of the regrets I have, to exorcise the guilt. But it is what it is. She
I was embarrassed and still in the mindset of – well, they won’t take me seriously because I haven’t been abused by a man
head and onto the page and, until it’s done, I feel anxious and like I am keeping a secret that I really need to spill. But I keep writing them, so on some level I must enjoy it.”
She credits her writer friends with her development as a poet.
“It’s imperative for me to be surrounded by people who are all in the same boat. The rickety writing boat. We can bounce ideas around, complain about this or that, about rejections and successes. And if you aren’t open and honest in your work then what’s the point? You’re cheating yourself and you’re cheating the reader.”
The influence of the many poets whose work she reads and admires is also important.
“I just try to read as much poetry as possible, try to learn from the writers who seem to possess the unique ability to turn the mundane into magic, to hit the nail on the head and make you go wow, yes, that’s exactly how that feels.
“I don’t know everything there is to know about poetry. In fact, I’m pretty ignorant about it in terms of all the technical stuff. I just want to read poems that make me feel and think and intake breath. To me, that is more important than stanzas and line breaks.”
With that in mind, she adds that she’s been frustrated by the recent backlash against the winner of the National Poetry Competition – The Time I Was Mugged In New York City by Imogen Wade.
“People are up in arms and claiming that it isn’t a poem but in fact a piece of prose masquerading as a poem. And while discussion is of course healthy and welcome, a lot of the comments I’ve read online from other poets are just pure spiteful and mean.
“The beauty of poetry, and why I love it so much, is how it’s open to interpretation, how you can play around with it, how creative you can be with words and spaces and lines on the page and the freedom it gives you to express yourself and let loose.
“So when people start putting rules on it and saying what it should and shouldn’t be, I don’t like that and it spoils it for me. Poetry is evolving all the time because people do and the world does. The judges picked it, end of story. I hope the winner enjoys her prize money. If I won that much, I definitely wouldn’t care whether people thought it was a proper poem or not!”
Her own work is deeply engaging and thoughtprovoking; accessible, but never lacking in depth and insight; confessional and intimate, yet also exploring universal themes such as love, ageing, abuse, parenting and queerness. She says she’s feeling ‘a mixture of relief and absolute terror’ at getting it out there – “relief to get it all off my chest, terror about what people will think. I guess that is the legacy of abuse though. Will people believe me? Will people just tell me to get over it, no one wants to know?
“I suppose I hope someone might read my book and realise that they aren’t alone and that they can get help,” she adds. “That if you’re a woman in a relationship with another woman and she is doing things to you she shouldn’t, your experience is just as valid as if that person was a man. Those are the same red flags you’re seeing, the same patterns of violence and control you are experiencing; it’s just a woman doing those things instead of a man and not the conventional narrative you are used to, and you should still absolutely seek help. I can imagine this is how men feel when they have been abused by women. Don’t be ashamed.”
Girls etc is out now, published by Broken Sleep Books.
For more information about New Pathways, visit www.newpathways.org.uk