‘I became a master at disguising emotions behind fake smiles’
Despite appearing outgoing and confident, Aaron Corria spent years hiding his depression which brought him close to suicide. Now he’s set up a website to provide men with a platform to speak about mental health issues. This is his story.
WHEN I was growing up, mental health was something that was never talked about. I have no recollection of it being discussed in school with teachers or friends, or at home.
In younger years, if someone were to ask me to describe what someone with a mental health issue looked like, I would describe someone in a straightjacket being restrained by lots of nurses.
But if someone were to ask me the same question aged 31, thankfully my answer would be a lot different.
My first experience of any mental health issue came in the form of anxiety. For as long as I could remember I’ve been a worrier.
My mind seems to enjoy going into overdrive when dealing with the most trivial of matters, especially the moment I would bury my head into my pillow and try to get some sleep.
My thoughts seemed to be fuelled by darkness and began to weaken when sunlight began to peer through my curtains.
My biggest anxiety was my health. The slightest pain in my chest, sore throat or cough and I would be consulting the famous expertise of Dr Google via my computer, which I can tell you from personal experience is a slippery slope.
I would convince myself that I was seriously ill to the point where I would have panic attacks and make myself physically sick.
Looking back now it seems really silly but at that point in my life the torture I was putting myself through became unbearable, and I sought the help of a GP who put my mind at rest with a thorough examination and a series of blood tests.
During my early 20s I started to become more and more aware of my mood swings. Some days I would be my usual happy-golucky self and other days would be an exhausting struggle where I began to distance myself from friends and family.
Then came the anger and frustration which you invariably take out on the people you are closest to the most. This is where I began to hide my illness, this is when I felt ashamed and embarrassed.
Why did I feel like this? Why me? Will it ever go away? Was I the only one going through this?
For many years I continued this cycle, although I had sought help from my GP who prescribed me citalopram.
I never took full ownership of what I was going through. I never fully grasped the seriousness of what depression was doing to my life as in my eyes I was the only person who knew what I was going through. Nobody else knew and what people don’t know won’t hurt them.
I became a master at disguising my emotions and behind my fake smiles, phone calls and text messages from friends I was exhausted, tired of fighting this illness, tired of my thoughts and tired of pretending.
Taking antidepressants was something I struggled with. Did I really need “happy pills”?
I used to tell people they were painkillers when I did take them, and when they did start to work I would stop because I thought I no longer needed them, which is the worst thing you can do.
Something which I became heavily reliant upon was alcohol.
I began living for the weekend. It was the only thing that made me forget about all the negativity in my life.
It was a short-term fix that made things harder in the long term. Eventually that lifestyle catches up with you and it was around that time I decided to give up.
I wanted to end my life. I planned it in my mind a thousand times and before I went to carry the act out I went to my grandfather’s grave where I saw my dad and broke down in tears and told him what Id been going through.
Luckily for me my family and friends were very supportive and got me through a very hard and difficult time. You almost feel dead inside and constantly numb to any emotion.
With the help of a life coach and the right medication I was able to start rebuilding my life.
I thought long and hard about what I had been through and wanted to change a negative into positive. I remembered about how I could find nothing online that inspired me to seek help so I decided to make a website that would help people relate to my story and find the strength to be open and get the support needed like I did.
Brotectors was launched in March 2017 and it has totally changed my life. The website received a lot of media attention and I received thousands of messages from men and women around the world. If the website helps just one person then it’s done its job.
I’d like to think the website has been able to inspire a lot more people to reach out for support.
The Brotectors website has a link where people can email myself directly just to open up and talk about what they are going through. Just one conversation can save a life. During Mental Health Awareness Week Brotectors delivered workshops to staff at local businesses in Cardiff in attempt to break down the barriers surrounding mental health.
The workshops were a great success and I am hoping to reach as many people as I can to raise awareness and encourage people to talk. ■ For more information please go to www. brotectors.co.uk