After beating breast cancer Dani had to tackle her mental state
Young cancer survivor Dani Binnington admits the moment she beat the illness was the moment she fell apart. Here, the mum of three tells us how she found a way to take control of her body and mind again
TODAY I wake up and I feel excited about my days. I am able to fully enjoy the moments. I love to play and I enjoy my work.
I take joy in planning our next family holiday. We are thinking of going to Costa Rica with our friends next year and I know our three girls would just love it so much. Today, I also get annoyed by the little things in life. In a nutshell, life is good.
A bit more than five years ago my life began to crumble. Between then and now stretched a long road to recovery. But before life became a little bit easier, I hit rock bottom.
I was 33 when I was told that the lump in my left breast was a highly aggressive cancer. My eldest daughter was four and my twin girls were only two.
As a whole family we went into “doing mode”. It was like life was happening to us and we were the puppets playing along.
My husband and family were amazing at supporting me throughout. I had made a deal with myself: that I would get up every morning and take my girls to nursery.
And I managed … nearly always.
It felt like I was climbing a mountain. I had to get over surgery first, then six cycles of chemotherapy and then daily radiotherapy for a month.
All along I just needed to get to the end of that, thinking it would also mark the end of my journey with cancer.
But I was wrong. I remember walking out of the hospital after my last blast of radiotherapy and I just broke down – sitting in the car for ages.
I had arrived at the top of the mountain and I felt at an all-time low. What next? Was the treatment enough for me to survive? Would I see my girls start school? Anxiety, panic attacks and doubt became part of my life for the years to come.
I had lost all trust in my body and had no idea of how I should feel anymore.
The well-meaning but constant “just stay positive” from people around me really started to bother me. It made me feel guilty that I wasn’t able to feel positive.
No-one can, and needs to feel and think positive thoughts all the time.
When going through a challenging phase in life, whether it’s an illness, financial or relationship difficulties, it is absolutely okay to feel rubbish, and it is also okay to say so.
We need to talk about our mental state of being much more, as a means to lift the stigma associated with mental health problems.
For months I tried to cover my bald head with a wig, put on more make-up than usual and dress as well as I could, just to look “normal” and “healthy”.
I walked through life with a smile on my face to tell everyone “I’m coping brilliantly”.
But I now know that it is much healthier to talk about it, to reveal my scars and to say when life seems bad.
From the moment I woke up to the moment I shut my eyes at night, cancer was with me. Everyone around me was so happy when I was told I was in remission.
I was experiencing a very different reality. Again, I beat myself up for not feeling happy too. Today I know that anxiety has its own way of throwing irrational thoughts at you.
But I have to give myself credit. Panicked that my conventional treatment wasn’t enough, I embarked on many things in the hope they would help me heal with my scars; emotionally and physically. Counselling, therapy, hypnotherapy, yoga, meditation, mindfulness, restrictive eating (I gave up alcohol, caffeine, meat, wheat, sugar, dairy), walking, running, fasting, intravenous-vitamin cocktails, green juices, supplements, visualisation, just to name a few.
I can’t tell you exactly what helped me in my recovery the most, but I am sure each thing contributed to my overall well-being in some way or another. It’s like I was putting together my very own toolbox for my personal wellbeing.
It took years for me to be able to look into the future. My husband did all the holiday planning and he even bought our family home on his own.
I was too worried something bad was going to happen in the meantime. I could only plan my life from one hospital check-up to the next.
But the day came when I got to lunchtime without having had cancer worries.
And that was the day I knew something inside of me had shifted.
From then onwards it was a constant up and down, but the days started looking a little bit brighter than before.
My yoga and mindfulness became solid and daily building blocks to my recovery, and I began to discover real, whole and fresh food.
Today my family and I celebrate all foods. No longer do I feel the need to restrict my diet so much, our diet is “full-of”, not “free-from”.
I love sharing my recipes on my blog to show people that healthy eating can be family friendly and simple.
I also became a yoga teacher, run weekly classes, wonderful yoga retreats and host supper clubs where people come and cook with me.
I sometimes have to pinch myself that I am able to do all of this, to see my girls grow into beautiful human beings and that I get to enjoy life to the fullest.
I’ve met many along the way who have been much less lucky than me and I will always remember them fondly.
So do I feel like a survivor? The answer is no. I still feel like cancer is a big chunk of my life, it’s part of me and it’s shaped me and who I am today.
Today I know that I have a brilliantly stocked toolbox and I feel much better equipped to deal with life’s challenges. Bring it on!
If there is one thing that I would love to encourage everyone to do – it would be this: Look after yourself.
Take good care of your body, mind and soul. You are so worth it. Start building up your very own toolbox with anything that makes you feel good.
■ Dani Binnington is a cook, yoga teacher and well-being expert dedicated to providing practical steps for physical and mental well-being for the whole family. Visit www. healthywholeme.com for more recipes, classes, events and inspiration.